A photo of something that means something to me
Millions are affected by cancer. this sunday I am walking t o fight breast cancer. I have raised 30 dollars but the more I can raise the better. Please help and donate to pink fries my team! http://tinyurl.com/2ethud8
A letter to someone who hurt you recently
I can honestly say no one has had the power to hurt me recently. I have been a stronger woman lately. The only one who has hurt me recently is myself by not getting myself in shape properly all these years. Due to my self neglect and punishments I have led a lonely life. Not necessarily friend wise but romantically guy wise? Solo to the extreme. So I guess this supposed letter could go to all the guys who have hurt me recently with their judging eyes. But willl just not get into it and just go to day 23. I am little off, I know, but I had missed two days and I ddin’t feel like cramming two in yesterday. I legit went to bed at 8 p.m. so here goes day 23 fifteen things about me:
1. I think in song. I am always relating thngs back to a song and I always want to sing that song out loud.
2. Purple is my most favoritest color ; )
3. I write poetry all the time but I don’t share it with anyone
4. I hold grudges. It’s not good but I do.
5. I am overly sensitive. I cry during commercials, Glee, Grey’s anatomy, books, and just thinking about people I talk to on the phone at work when they tell me their problems.
6. I am seriously considering going to go back to schol to be a psychiatrist; I want to help people so bad. Nothing make me happier.
7. I think nothing’s sexier than a man driving a car and cursing for a good reason. Like, cursing a guy out in someones honor lol
8.I want to join a band
9. i want to be a photographer
10. I wish I lived in Manhattan in a penthouse or atleast have
11. I have strong opinions but I can be wishy washy because I don’t like confrontation. I’d rather every one get a long.
12. When I get angry it burns me to the core and I want to do something violent. When this happened when I was younger I used to cut or dig my nails in my skin. Now? I write about it or just cry honestly.
13. I really want to kick the living shit out of some assholes ass. Not anyone in particular just a real dick head princess or gorrila asshole and just put them in their place without any consequences with the law.
14. I have on crush on someone right now but I am not allowing myself to divulge in the fantasy until I am thin. I can’t take anymore rejection in that department. I’d fall apart.
15. I am a big dreamer and I always want to have fun
A photo of something that makes you happy
Well, as of late, my electronic devices are making me happy: my sexy kindle
my new little netbook which I am returning the day o fnext paycheck so I can get a real laptop and my make up!:
kinda feeling blah to catch up on lost posts so until later
20 – The meaning behind your blog name.
Well, I guess I can open up to why my blog name is my blog name- even though it’s totally obvious. I have been overweight all of my life. Not, overweight, let me correct that, BIG all my life. There. That’s right. When I was a kid I was always bigger than everyone else holding my head taller than everyone else. My bones noticeably bigger than other delicate flowers of my day. My hair? A frizzy curly mess my family didn’t know what do to do with. I was just so BIG. It wasn’t weird in the beginning. As a kid,,, I kind of took in stride that I was a big kid you can’t hurt me. But I am a big softie and they ended up bruising me badly with their tongues even though I could kill them with my fists. This shaped me into the food addict that I am. I turn to food more than my best friend. Food and I are chums in a sense that I can always count on a bag of pizza cravers to turn my day around. I wanted it in excess too. I wanted to never stop eating what I was eating. Why stop something that makes me feel so damn happy? It’s not like it’s a drug. It’s just making me fat, so what who cares? But now, back at 367, I feel like my time will be up so shortly if I don’t lose this weight. I am not okay buying my shit f for so much money because I need to get the extended size. I am not cool not being able to buy pretty shoes and boots because my feet are so fat. I am NOT okay with that. I am a girl that loves clothes and fashion and I am not okay with settling for crap. So I am back at weight watchers. I am back to documenting my eating habits. I think I really want to go to the doctors and get a curb your appetite kind of pill because there is seriously so thing wrong with me to want to eat 80% of the time. I probably could use a good shrink but who has time for that? I am a mess of epic proportions but that is my confession. I have plenty of me. Plus I am a fat chick. This blog is about me and I hope it inspires other large woman to be honest with themselves and lose the weight for their HEALTH. because we’re kidding ourselves thinking it’s okay to be a weight that is 100 pounds over what you’re supposed to be. I really don’t want to die at the age of thirty. I really don’t want diabetes. I really don’t want to have a stroke. I would really like to get laid and not worry about my belly. (SEE CONFESSIONS!) But look, it’s about me. It’s about my personal happiness and I have been struggling with that ever since I moved to this god for shaken state. I don’t blame the state itself- not anymore. I like Delaware and what it offers. SAY IT WITH ME NOW: TAX FREE SHOPPING, but it’s the way people act. They see me and challenge me. They literally want to tear me down. Ever sine I was 12 years old and moved here people here are threatened by me. Then it was because I was the new kid with a fro. Yes. A fro because god help having curly hair and not owning a flat iron then going to a white people(yeah I said it) white people salon to get your hair done. They chop off your hair! So what does a curly headed broads hair do? IT GROWS OUT. I had a Latina/cracker f cloud framing my chubby face and of course they tore me a new asshole at school. I was just too different. Plus I had this Philly accent and was trying to be everyone’s friend. They don’t like friendly people with fros in 6 grade. Effed up? Absolutely. So that was my nightmare and I LIVED IT. Which brings me to my middle school years (Even though in Philly middle school started in 5th grade but eh I’m in Delaware at this point) I was this over eager girl star struck by a cute boy. I’d write poetry and want to sing for guys to prove my ardor. I was a tragic mess. I never really felt wanted. Always rejected by boys due to my weight. Even though then I wasn’t even large. Okay, I was bigger than my classmates, but due to bad styling and what not I looked bigger than I was. I’d kill to be 180 again. I was a curvy girl. if I had just not let the world get to me maybe I wouldn’t have this blog today. Maybe I’d be married with kids. I Who knows. I maybe an entirely different person. Which brings me to my theory: if I wasn’t fat would I be this nice? I don’t know. I’d like to think so since my mother and father are very loving people. But I think I overly care. Is my sensitivity due to my weight or because of me? Then it goes back to all this mess of where my over eating stemmed. I have always cared too much. I have cared so much I could cry over someone looking at me funny. Gosh, the fall lot I had with this boy, who I was close friends with, In 9th grade, tell m our mutual friend “Com on, (won’t mention her name here) if you were a guy would you go out with her?” LIKE DOUBLE BURN RIGHT? I think this really helped cause my depression to start spiraling out of control. That rejection from a supposed friend, to the next three years of my pure adoration for this boy who didn’t deserve my adoration and his constant flirtations and then rejections. It was a mess and brought me to tears more often than not. I ended up in a mental hospital due to my crazy cutting and suicidal tendencies. At just 17. I have struggled with my self doubt since 12 basically. Bringing on this ball of fatdom that makes me feel like damn. If I wasn’t fat I’d be happy. I still think that. I really do. I shouldn’t dwell on my weight bringing happiness because that is the thinking of a girl with an eating disorder. In all actuality I do have an eating disorder and I should get help. I am hoping weight watchers will continue to be the help I need. Let it be my AA meetings to food. I know they have over eaters anonymous but I am really scared to go. I don’t think I’d know what to say. I guess all that I have blogged, right? Gah Such a huge explanation sorry folks. I am feeling very eh right now. I THIN it’s because of my birthday this Sunday. I just feel like change needs to happen. I am an adult for crissakes. I need to get on this. I want to be healthy and normal. Not pushing the table out so I am comfortable in a booth. Because that? Sucks more thananthing. Then you feel like people are staring at you like oh god look at that fat chick she can’t fit in the booth and has to push the table out because of her belly. Yikesabee I have been dealing with that for about two years. It’s not healthy. My insides are probably all corroded into this fat mush of yellow gelatinous mush. My organs suffocating because of the fat. I have to keep thinking about these things as I head into this weekend. I don’t want to lose my mind. Please, my fellow large ladies and fat chicks alike, don’t think that I am trying to tear you down. I swear I feel your pain in ways that has made me your equal. I am just trying to voice these things as a personal reminder . I know I will always be big. My smallest, at my smallest weight, will be a size 14/16 and I am totally okay with that. I will be a big beautiful woman then. I am three hundred and sixty seven pounds. It’s not attractive and I am not kidding myself into thinking that. I am well on my way into getting it drilled in my head to finally put the food down. Well, pick the good foods up- I should say. I want to inspire my larger ladies to make it. Don’t settle into the food because it’s so easy. I am trying to turn away from their beguiling comforts. I quote Big Pun
” It’s hard work baby
I just lost a hundred pounds, I’m tryin to live
I ain’t goin nowhere I’m stayin alive baby..
” i am trying to live.
I will lose that first 100 pounds and then, in the next year, i’ll lose the n next 100 pounds. i will. i am not stopping this time. i said it before but i feel this kind of electricity that i really don’t think i am going to go up this time. i am going to stay losing. it make take a while but i ahve nowhere to go but down. i won’t beat myself up over a five pouid increase if it happens like my last teary vlog. i am just going to correct it and stay positive. Feel free to drop on in and give me some positive love in the comments if you want. I love good JUJU! If you read this entire post I applaud you and give you many besos.
Day 18 Something you crave
I bet you think a CFC would say something White Chocolate Caramel Macadamia nut cheese cake from the Cheese Cake Factory, huh? WRONG! Although that is crazy delicious.
No, What I crave is something a little different but just as decadent as that gorgeous piece of cheesecake.
I crave true love and companionship. I crave it so bad sometimes it hurts to look at happy couples. I crave it so bad that when I see bitchy girlfriends being rude to their amazing boyfriends I feel physically nauseous. Now, my desire to have this affection is not to be confused with me willing to settle for any man that comes knocking. Not the case see this blog postfor proof. I want and crave true companionship- a true equal that can handle my heart with care and not leave me wanting anyone but them. I want humor. I want and CRAVE love. A man to enhance me and just be a great friend. I know I sound like a broken record but for a girl that has never had any of that who is on the precious of her 23rd birthday? It makes a lot of sense to want that fully. More than anything. Well, I want my own self actualization of course but I crave this true love and companionship. Basically positive attention from the male gender would be nice.What I crave is something real and honest. There was this guy that had such promise but his lack of WILL and real charm sealed the deal on our non relationship. His Lack of EFFORT was a real ball buster for me. I may be a fat chick but I am a chick. With the realest, deepest, most honest feelings you’ll ever come across. Too soul-baring? maybe. But I want a man who can handle that. Plus I don’t really want like a chubby chaser or a fat girl aficionado I want a guy who loves me. For ME. For whatever I have to offer. I may be ” asking for the impossible but as my idol Audrey Hepburn says;; “Nothing is impossible, the world itself says I’m possible.” I choose the path of hope. I hope that someday my prince will come. I am not begging. I am not running around like a chicken with my head cut off. I am so not being the woe is me bitch either because I know how ATTRACTIVE that can be with men. *rolls eyes* I am going better in all of those senses. Sure,, I can come across extra sometimes but I am a little extra. In size and in personality. I am ME. ME. I sometimes want to be larger than life and seize the day and get my adventures done. God, I crave adventure. Not the oh man I may totally get arrested kind. But I want to enjoy being alive. Isn’t the world ending in two years? I need to get my life on. And I am doing it big!
Day 19 another pic of yourself…
It was from two years ago I didn’t feel like taking a picture today because it is a rainy poopie day and I don’t feel like doing anything and that includes putting my face on lol so there. TANOLICIOUS. I love being tan but I have only faked n baked twice in my life it didn’t do shit for me. I just get nice and tan quick ’cause I’m part Rican. So I started this post heavy(pun intended!) and ended light! lol
Day 15 – Something you don’t leave the house without.
Well, clothes. LMAO. I really am the most forgetful broad on the PLONET. I have lost my wallet, purse, and cellphone in various places in my house and left them in different areas everywhere I got. I have lost my wallet twice and that shit sucked. I can’t say I never leave the house without those things because I do. I do it quite often. So I’ll say this: I never leave the house with a good book and clothes. If not a book a magazine. There’s always time to read!
Side Note Movie Review:
I just went to the movies last night and saw The Town. I give it a four ALMOST five out of stars. It was really good, just the right amount of violence, and drama. The not complete work of five stars is because I wished it showed more Blake Lively. Her acting was spot on and never seeing her do anything like this character was like a sock in the stomach. I was like Serena from Gossip Girl?? I wanted to sense more of her in the movie like who she was I guess. But it was still a great, great, great movie. See it!