Valentine’s Day isn’t just for lovers

In words of the wonderful Parks and Recreation: TREAT YOSELF

I am super single. I wear the S on my chest proudly for my singledom and not a damn nor fuck is given. As you call can see it is now February and all the gushy stuff is out. I love red and pink so I enjoy seeing the displays in stores. Seriously. I ain’t even mad bro. What’s also good about Valentine’s Day is some stuff is on sale on a certain website that caters to lovers as WELL as yoself. Or would it be YOSELVES? Aziz Ansari you need to straighten me out on this one.
Any way.
Back to Edenfantasys. Right now they have a sale special for February. They have 25% off storewide if you use the code HOT4YOU .
I love how they’re going with my theme here: hot for yo self! Apparently, they also have their luxury items on sale.
Since I am probably going to spend this romantic holiday on my own I am going to invest in some SUHweet bath products. What’s cool about edenfantasys is the have a whole section full of goodies. I don’t know about you guys but I am super intrigued by anything that say’s treasures of the seas. I just fully appreciate a site that offers such a range of products for any person to enjoy. Whether it be male or female you can have fun. I think when it comes to this holiday season you gotta realize it shouldn’t take a holiday for you to profess your love for whoever or whatever. I am taking the time out to love ME and I think that’s a helluva lot more important before I start worrying about who is my Valentine. I will just treat myself to a little somethin’ somethin’ instead. Remember to ALWAYS treat yo self.

keep your head up

I make mistakes all the fricking time. With each error I learn something. Sometimes I repeat said mistake because it’ll make me feel better for five minutes. I am bad texter of men not deserving of my time. I aquire men who lie, cheat, and become scarily obsessed. I cannot, for the life of me, find a happy medium. I k ow it is because I dont necessarily know what the hell I wany either. It is quite annoying to be me sometimes. I have the ability. To rain affection on those who truly need it. I truly need it though. It is very hard for me to go long periods of time without kisses and hugs. It has becomr increasingly difficult to do without something else now that I have finally gotten it. It isnt alays a direct correlation to a self esteem issue.
Today it is though. Today I dont feel good enough. Just because he didnt text me back? Dangerous territory for a girl who is trying to keep this shit casual. It is common decency though. Answer me bitch and you will get what you want. Unless you’ve chanhed your mind? What I need to do is consune more Nyquil and sleep this day away because I am sick ans the weather is shit. I feel like shit inside and out.

Krystalfilm

Every now and then I have evenings where I overthink EVERYTHING. They are the worst. You analyze every wrong and every move. I started to get worried about thi gs that people may judge me for. Then I thought about all the fun I am having and I started to stop giving a fuck again.
I think because I spent time with one individual who totally had judgey eyes about my new experiences and it just put me in a really bad place. I made the decision thay why should I give a fuck what anyone thinks when I am the only person I need to answer to.
I think media really has screwed me up. As I get older and start finding new places to actualize myself… I am growing each day with different experiences. I credit my new found self in reading sites like xojane.com. I feel empowered and I love it. Hopefully I wont havr another mini meltdown like yesterday

Obligatory year in review 2012 post

This year has been simply amazing. One of the best years of my life. I brought in new years doing absolutely nothing but chilling in my house after a night of work at Sephora. I went to bed at 12:30 a.m. So let me tell you it’s complete bull shit that you will have a shitty year if your new years is lame.
I went to so many concerts and festivals this year that my mind has been blown and obliterated by the amazing thing that music is.
I have met so many amazing people. I have gotten super close to my soul sister Leslie and I can’t imagine my life with out her.
The leaps and bounds I have made this year with weight loss is just… awesome.
Beginning of the year:

This Month:

I have learned that I am strong. Stronger and weak at the same time. Weaker for other peoples problems and how they feel.
I vow this year to continue my steps towards my own greatness. Make serious moves. I found a room mate and I’m hoping to be out of the parentals house by March.
I plan on travelling more and obtaining a passport. I want to start some online classes and start really concentrating on what matters to me: Music and writing.
I vow to sing more on stage!
I want to take my youtube show on the road:

Just get out there and really start writing some songs. Finish my fricking novel. I want to kiss more. I want to fall deeper in love with who I am. I want to keep the friends that matter. I want to make the friendships that matter to me more fruitful by being vocal about my feelings instead of bottling shit in and making assumptions.
I want to marry the night and make the day my bitch.
I want to continue on my journey for a healthier me.

wear your heart on your cheek

I now know what it’s like to hurt someone. To break a heart so to speak. Its not really my fault but I feel bad regardless.
I have been “talking” to a guy that was so cute and so sweet. I really liked him but not enough to say you are the one I could date seriously and be bf/gf with. I told him that from the beginning that I was not ready for a full on relationship. I didn’t understand how he could be either because of the baggage he was coming with. The main issues with our WHATEVER THE HELL IT WAS is this: he thought he could change me.
I have done a lot of changing on my own this year. I embraced my womanhood and embraced my true extroverted nature. I have finally started living the life I should’ve left all along. He knew all this. I am an extremely honest person. He tried to call me his girlfriend on several occasions and I freaked out. Has he really not heard the screams of I am not ready.? Maybe it boils down to me not liking him enough to give up on going out on the weekends. That was what really sent his ass reeling. He said he can’t be with someone with that lifestyle. Dude. I told you that was my life from the JUMP. My honesty… was sincere. Did he think that he could change me just because he told me how beautiful I was? I can’t be with someone whole heartedly if they don’t listen. Look, here’s the thing everyone. I am set in my ways. I am all for compromise but to so a complete 180 for a guy I barely know is simply absurd. Especially a guy who’s essentially proclaimi ng his love for me after a few weeks of hanging out. We went on one real date.
I think he has an idealized version of who I was and he was sadly disappointed. He seems like a lost soul and maybe the military fucked him up a lot too. Maybe he felt like he had to rush things with me because he’s afraid of being alone. I used to be that way. Now I like myself too much to settle for whatever comes my way. Relationship wise especially. I’m coming to anage where if you’re going to be in a real relationship with someone you have to think about long haul shit. Do you know how many engagements were announced on facebook this month? A shit ton. I have no desire to get married to anyone at this point. I haven’t been persuaded to lean any which way in that spectrum of life. Maybe I just suck at sharing. I just feel like before I share my life with someone I need to make my life. I want to travel more and have random ass romantic trysts in Europe. I want to sing more in public and finally finish that novel I have been working on. I don’t want to have regrets in life because I just got married to the first guy who asked me. I wish homeboy had actually listened to me and then he wouldn’t be all butt hurt. This month felt like I was in a controlling relationship ans I wasn’t even in a friggin relationship. I am glad I stood my ground and said NO when I did to save us both a lot of heart ache. Just because the affection was nice doesn’t make up for the fact that we probably wouldn’t make it as a couple. I am a realist. I know him having a child makes him in a different place in his life. Being in the military makes him different. I am still very much a young woman figuring life out. I will not be pressured to change so I could be someone’s future wife. If you can’t accept who I am now then… you won’t accept me later because I. Am not changing when I have come so far as to know who the hell I am. What a learning experience this was. I am eternally grateful for the boy for helping me realize what I don’t want.

trials of the past

Sometimes you gotta take a mental step back to reevaluate what you really want in life. This past year has been nothing but go go go. I was consumed by music, travelling, and lots and lots of kissing. Yes I seized the motherfucking day every day. For the most part. When I wasn’t dying from exhaustion and shit. I made realizations this year and did things I never imagined I would do in a million years. It’s been a helluva ride. I have made great friends and I have lost touch with others. Simply our lives are on totally different tangents and we just can’t meet in the middle.
I learned that I wasn’t going to change for anyone. I learned that I need to be less forgiving to liars. I learned just because you’ve known someone forever doesn’t mean they always have your best interest in heart. I learned that’s okay because there are other people more willing to be there for me even though they’re a thousand miles away. More like 761 miles but still. That bitch is far.
I learned that not all men are created in the same vein of douchelordness as the last. Guys I have bestowed my affections upon. There are good guys even though they can be all clingy and shit fast. Guess what you can do when that happens? Tell them, like an adult, that they’re gonna chase you away with took much too soon and they’ll back off a bit. You know what that does for me? Makes me crazy for em all over again. Funny how fickle I am.
I learned that I am not really relationship material and that is ay oh fucking Kay. I am not ready for all consuming love and the guy I am “talking” too now gets it. That’s all that matters.
I learned what a soul mate was and that comes in the form of my best fucking friend Leslie. She is truly the person I tell EVERYTHING to and her judgements are nonexistent. I am so blessed to have had this year to are her as much as I could. The amount of shit we went through in Vegas anyone is a bond that I don’t think I will be able to share with any other friend. She’s my rock. She’s not always steady but she’s there for me no matter what. Seriously. No matter what.
I’ve learned what true friendship is through that woman and I am so grateful. I miss her terribly but I’ll be seeing her in January then march after.
The things I have seen and done this year is unlike anything in all 25 years of living. There is nothing to compare it to. While I still don’t know what I wanna be when I grow up I know what it’s like to grow up. Even if it’s in the non traditional ways. Life takes you through a whole lot of crazy. The biggest thing I learned about myself is love for myself. I. Never thought I’d see the day but as I protect my heart in this new friendship I know I am doing it because I just learned how to love myself how can I share that newfound love with anyone else yet? This love is in its precarious stages. These lessons are shaping me into a wise woman. I know that I am crazy and a mess sometimes but I don’t hide it or pretend to be anything but myself. That’s the key. Be yourself and own yourself. Take advice when it’s good advice. That’s a huge thing too. Actually heed good advice instead of dismissing it. Not everyone is out to get you. Try and see the positive for once I. Your life ans be on the offense instead of the defense.
2012 was the year of getting shit done. I may still be living in my parents house but I achieved happiness. My happy is a different shade than your happy. My happy includes me. No kids , no husband, and no bull shit. That’s ok for now because I learned that despite my size people really do find confidence sexy as hell. Did it really take being pursued to realize that? Hey, homeboy saw my confidence first before he actually approached me so I was exuding it without realizing. That’s the best part of this year for sure. Finding so much about myself and finding my womanhood. Let’s hope the world keeps her shit together so I can have another year of crazy awesome times. Let’s hope people can calm their tits and start loving instead of hating.

lost in the world i’m down on my line

I am a way stronger woman than I was a year ago. While I am still coming to terms with my weight and how much more I need to lose I know I look better than I have ever in YEARS. I feel better and I am taking care of myself.
So I have been dating. And hooking up. This past week I have dated a guy who is so crazy into me so quick I am so put off. Be careful what you wish for right? While I opened up about how my image of my body freaks me out and makes me feel un-sexy he frequently reminds me how sexy he thinks I am. By frequently I mean every time we see each other. He says things like I’m in his dreams and in his heart. He wants to see me all the time in ways that aren’t necessarily convenient for me. Like a quick stop in at my job to say hi is nice if you just so happen to be co.ing to the mall. That’s cool but please don’t go out of your way. I thought this was all what I wanted but we have literally only been talking for a week and two days. And he brings oup the word boyfriend. I am not ready for such terms when I was just wanting to date and see what happens. I am JUST starting out in this dating game. I am not necessarily where I need to be in loving myself wholly. I am aware of this. Homeboy has been saying the sweetest shit but it’s way too much too fast. It’s not like he even has the ability to be in a committed relationship because he has baggage. Lots of it. Not necessarily the kind of baggage that could go well with mine either. I am trying my best to nice this nice guy a chance but he needs to understand the amount wriggle room I need. I am a strong woman. Fiercely independent woman. I love my time to myself. I love flirting and just seeing where the road takes me. I like just taking a random weekend trip to see my best friend I don’t mind going to concerts alone. I also like it when people actually fucking listen to me when I say I don’t want a boyfriend. Because I don’t. Not on the immediate. Why is everyone so quick to jump into these really serious relationship when you barely know each other. There’s no way this guy know me because he just talks about himself all the time. He doesn’t understand that while every other male treated me like shit the other ones I did like and start to kinda date tried to vice grip me too soon and that’s not me. I don’t roll that way. So if he stopped to listen to me for five seconds… he’d realize he is going about this in the most wrong way possible. I am literally only telling you have the storey here because there is more to his clingy behavior. I just can’t share some of it because I am not gonna blab this guy’s business completely out there. I am trying my best here to be open to something new and give it a chance but why force something already? can’t we just hang out and get to know each other slowly like normal people? I am not trying to be difficult or contradictory to the fact that I wanna spend time with men… I just don’t want someone up my ass forcing the boyfriend word on my after a week and a half of talking. That’s crazy talk. Mr I wanna spend the night with you just to hold you we don’t even have to do anything… like that’s all nice (because I told him de facto that I am not screwing him right away) but I just met you. Like it’s nice but ah! I wanna scream out of frustration because where is my happy medium? Where is the damn mystery? Its either home boy is totally disinterested or they’re all up in my grill. I kinda wanna run away and never come back and that’s not a fun feeling to have. I don’t ever want to feel trapped. I don’t want to end up with a guy because I feel bad because he’s so nice therefore I should just stay with him for posterity or whatever. That’s never fair for either party. While it’d be nice to share my limited time with someone EVENTUALLY I gotta be real and say I am not done being selfish. I work two jobs. Sometimes 60 hours a week between both of them. Maybe I am just not made for relationships. Maybe I’ll never get married. As long as I’m happy in other forms… I don’t see this as a bad thing.