I am dancing between super happy and super sad at ever second of everday since Thursday of last week. I am erratic. I am listless.
I’m a mess
I am trying really hard not to over think the sad. I’m trying to rationalize that people are no longer in pain when they were suffering and they die. That is true. That is absolutely fact in this situation. I am still really upset about the whole thing. One of my important people in my life lost someone truly important to her yesterday. Her mother is gone and I am in awe with the strength my dear friend is having during this trying time. She inspires me to grow stronger yet here I am. Crying at little random times in the car alone. I keep going back to the times I spent with her mom. Going over how boys really were the worst 85% of the time. It’s selfish but I am glad she was able to see me become truly happy and more acclimated in my adulthood. I was such an awkward teen. Graceless at best. She saw me lose the weight and truly come into my own and for that I’m happy. I hope she knows that I’ll always be the best friend her daughter could ever ask for. I think she knew that. Despite the truly bad fights me and Katie have had we forgive each other LIKE THAT and Chris (her mom) knew that. There isn’t much that’ll keep me and her apart.
There are other things that have been bugging me lately. All I can say is I am just TRYING.
I am trying so hard to just be okay. I’ve been struggling so much lately. I was SO good for awhile there. I really was. Then I just went into this downward spiral of shame. Not that I’m ashamed of anything I’ve done (lots of learning experiences and one day you will get a frank writing on some of those experiences but not while I still live at home. I think those posts will be PW protected still anyway.) I just feel ashamed of myself for not actively being happy all the time. Why am I pursuing a relationship so badly? Why do I want one? Am I tired of the trite hook ups? Yup. So sick of false promises by dudes. I am ashamed of myself for falling for it. I do love myself more than I have in my entire life. But there are moments when it is so suffocating to be alone and see most of everyone in happy cozy relationships. I’ll be real; I have relationship envy. This isn’t high school romance BS anymore. People are getting married, buying houses, and having kids. I understand everyone is on their own trajectory but I can’t help but wonder when will my time come? I am awesome and people should want to be awesome with me too! After this year lease is up May 2014 I am going to start looking at jobs in cities. I think it’s time I branch out of the suburbs and move to a new city. WHY DOES CHICAGO KEEP CALLING ME IT IS SO COLD THERE?
My dream is to find a cool loft in Philly but how am I going to find a job within a year and month that’ll pay for such things? So here I am ya’ll. A bouncing selfish mess of mess. I am sure it’ll all turn around soon and I’ll be back to my normal happy self but til then.. . just got to deal with the punches as they come at me. It’s growing up. I’m doing it.
I wish I could properly articulate half the stuff in my mind without showing you all how nuts I really am. Nuts, or normal?
I’ll leave you with this : I am so mad that I am not happy. I am so unhappy with my job and the fact that I am not doing what I love just because of money. I need to get creative.
I need to be me again.
This has been one of the most emotional and trying months in a long time. A lot of good has happened but so has bad. Is it lame to mention the circle of life? I’ve been sad. The kind off sad that makes you think drinking while sad is the greatest idea ever and you end up just crying and screaming at everyone. I am losing my second mother. She is dying as I type this.
We knew the end of the road would come but we didn’t know it would happen so quickly. I moved to Delaware when I was almost 13. I met my next door neighbor Katie who is just a year younger than I. Through the way children do we became best friends. Now I consider her my sister. We have had a 13 year long friendship that has had it’s up and downs but I have never stopped caring for her as though she is part of my family. I know she feels the same for me too. Her mother wwatched me grow up. Let me cry when I was the third or fifth wheel and she always said my time would come. Chris, her mother, truly became a second mom to me. I love her. Now I am going to be saying I LOVED her. She’s been battling cancer for a really long time. This past Friday I find out my sister from another mister is signing the papers for hospice. S aturday she tells me on Friday she signed a DNR. This is shit a 24 year old shouldn’t have to deal with. I keep telling her I am here for her. Trying to be that pillar of strength while I am just a hot mess myself. In culmination of this my family is having financial issues. My grandmother isn’t well either. She’s been in and out of the hospital for awhile now. I feel a weight on my chest and sometimes all I can do is close my eyes and try to fast forward time a little. To when we are out of the darkness and we are coping better.
All this is happening then I get a kiss off from the guy who I liked and who seemed to really like Me. He was musicslly all there. Loved the same music I did.or do. Whatever. Had an amazing date and amazing kiss. He kissed me like he fucking meant it. Then a day before I was foing to drive and see him he calls and says the hour and the half driving distance is too much for him. He came up with a thousand excuses and I cried a thousand stupid lame ass tears. I so wanted that one to work out. With these trying times it would have been nice to have someone to lean on a little. Instead I am back to just leaning on me to try inner strength. Again. Gotta keep the hope alive. He found his excuse early on for his out. I’m just going to patiently wait for the one who doesn’t find an excuse. Who am I kidding I don’t have a patient bone in my body. Just send out positive vibes. I am trying o get it together while hating mostly everything right now. The light at the end of the tunnel is I move out on April 13th. Hello queen sized bed.
I am a crappy blogger. I get it. I just only have my phone to post on right now since I have yet to buy a new battery for my lap top. Um. Lemme order that off amazon right now.
Anyway lots has been going on vida de Krystal. I purchased my own car finally. She is a hooptie kinda but she is all mines. A 98 kia with 100, 000 miles. New tires, battery, breaks, and a nixe head unit all for the low price of 995. My hopefully future room mate and I applied for a gorgeous apartment last Friday. It is a two bedroom with 2.5 bathrooms with all kinds of gorgeous amenities. Not to mention dat kitchen. So. With my shoddy credit that is our only true concern. We both make the right amount of money to afford rent plus utilities plus Some of my concert addictions. I have paif a goof chunk to the only negative thing on my account; my t mobile bill from when I was 21. I got it down to 450 from 630. It shouls reflect that I have made a payment arrangement with em so I am hoping with that and thr combo of my room mate’s kick ass credit we shall be fine. Hoping to hear back soon so I can buy myself a queen size mattress and box spring. Plus pots and pans! I am beyond excited for my future independence. Cant even deny this is going to make dating so much easier. Wanma go back to watch a movie and some ya know what I’m saying? No probs because I will have my own place. I keep thinking of a sweet wine rack that will undoubtedbly have half enpty bottles on it. I hope everything works out. This apartment is gorgeous
24 hour gym and they serve you breakfast Monday through Friday in their club house. Shit is too legit to quit. Plus m room mate is perfect. She has a schedule opposite of mine and is so even keeled. Plus I am not the type to being a huge party in my own space. Plus I love to cook. I am a catch men. Get on it.
Speaking of men I have had my heart bruised. I was starting to like this kid so damn much then he turns loco on me talking about how he is nt over his past relationship. Ugh. So he pulled the ol we dont know what the future holds bull shit but let me tell you… I am hurt. Dont feed me this amazing possible relationship and then do a full on 180. Please. That’s why I put myself back on okcupid and I have a date on Sunday. And possibly tonight. Anddd a couple of other guys trying to meet me. Honestly I was all dom and gloom about the rejection then three other dudes popped up. Thanks universe!
That brings me to my next point.
A lot of men are down with women with meat on their bones. They dig all of this. I am going to brag right now. I have pulled some straight up, inarguable, hotties. Sure shit never became anything really but hey they were undoubtedbly attracted to me and we had good times hanging out. Hell the guy who bruised my heart has the prettiest eyes that may be why my heart is so bruised. Sucker for some dark lashes around light eyes. I admit if he changed his mind down the line I will prob give him another chance. Actually, I know I will. I havent had legitimate FEELINGS for a dude in a long time. Looking back on the last thing that could of been anything… I didnt care about him anywhere near the way he cared about me. Plus his baggage… and the fact he never dropped said baggage I found out later… I made the right decision. I have learned a lot. Cried a lot. And I am still going. Seriously cross your fingers for this apartment. I need my own kitchen
I am so close. SO CLOSE TO BIG THANGS POPPIN! I am not going to jinx myself by talking about it too much but hopefully by March I won’t have to contain my excitement. HOPEFULLY.
My real happiness today stems from the announcement that Fall Out Boy is getting back into music. Tickets for their tour go on sale Friday and May 30th they’ll be in Philly.
My heart is happy. That’s pretty much it. Thanks for your time haha
I make mistakes all the fricking time. With each error I learn something. Sometimes I repeat said mistake because it’ll make me feel better for five minutes. I am bad texter of men not deserving of my time. I aquire men who lie, cheat, and become scarily obsessed. I cannot, for the life of me, find a happy medium. I k ow it is because I dont necessarily know what the hell I wany either. It is quite annoying to be me sometimes. I have the ability. To rain affection on those who truly need it. I truly need it though. It is very hard for me to go long periods of time without kisses and hugs. It has becomr increasingly difficult to do without something else now that I have finally gotten it. It isnt alays a direct correlation to a self esteem issue.
Today it is though. Today I dont feel good enough. Just because he didnt text me back? Dangerous territory for a girl who is trying to keep this shit casual. It is common decency though. Answer me bitch and you will get what you want. Unless you’ve chanhed your mind? What I need to do is consune more Nyquil and sleep this day away because I am sick ans the weather is shit. I feel like shit inside and out.
Every now and then I have evenings where I overthink EVERYTHING. They are the worst. You analyze every wrong and every move. I started to get worried about thi gs that people may judge me for. Then I thought about all the fun I am having and I started to stop giving a fuck again.
I think because I spent time with one individual who totally had judgey eyes about my new experiences and it just put me in a really bad place. I made the decision thay why should I give a fuck what anyone thinks when I am the only person I need to answer to.
I think media really has screwed me up. As I get older and start finding new places to actualize myself… I am growing each day with different experiences. I credit my new found self in reading sites like xojane.com. I feel empowered and I love it. Hopefully I wont havr another mini meltdown like yesterday
This year has been simply amazing. One of the best years of my life. I brought in new years doing absolutely nothing but chilling in my house after a night of work at Sephora. I went to bed at 12:30 a.m. So let me tell you it’s complete bull shit that you will have a shitty year if your new years is lame.
I went to so many concerts and festivals this year that my mind has been blown and obliterated by the amazing thing that music is.
I have met so many amazing people. I have gotten super close to my soul sister Leslie and I can’t imagine my life with out her.
The leaps and bounds I have made this year with weight loss is just… awesome.
Beginning of the year:
I have learned that I am strong. Stronger and weak at the same time. Weaker for other peoples problems and how they feel.
I vow this year to continue my steps towards my own greatness. Make serious moves. I found a room mate and I’m hoping to be out of the parentals house by March.
I plan on travelling more and obtaining a passport. I want to start some online classes and start really concentrating on what matters to me: Music and writing.
I vow to sing more on stage!
I want to take my youtube show on the road:
Just get out there and really start writing some songs. Finish my fricking novel. I want to kiss more. I want to fall deeper in love with who I am. I want to keep the friends that matter. I want to make the friendships that matter to me more fruitful by being vocal about my feelings instead of bottling shit in and making assumptions.
I want to marry the night and make the day my bitch.
I want to continue on my journey for a healthier me.