I am feeling all writey today. So I’m going to write a brief piece of fiction. There is no back story. There is no real reason for this. Maybe nostalgia. Maybe I’m wishing for a future and i’m trying to write it out to make it true. Whatevs. Here is. Read and perceive at your own risk and all that.
I lick my lips in anticipation of his kiss. I am so sick of forced entries. The violation of the tongue down my throat and the agression that causes our teeth to gnash together. I hate that the most. A perfectly good kiss can be ruined but teeth gnashing. I want this kiss more than I have wanted a lot of things lately. His perfect Bambi eyes are trained on my mouth but he does not make a move. The light brown is perfectly framed with luscious lashes. His lids are low and I am enraptured. He does nothing. Maddening. This is maddening. I pull back for fear of rejection. I push a stray bit of my dark hair behind my ear and look to the floor. My toe nail polish is chipping and I curl my toes in embarassament. He is not looking at my sandaled feet. He is looking at my lips. I bite my bottom lip in confusion and frustration. He pulls me closer by grabbing onto my jean belt loop. I place a hand on his chest. I feel his heart beat through his thin cotton t-shirt. I am poised for the perfect kiss. My head is tilted upward and slightly adjusted to go right. His full lips part. I’m ready. He leans forward and delicately places a kiss on my forehead. I sigh in contentment and with wanting. He cups my chin and softly rubs it with his thumb. I bite my lip again. My mind is going four thousand times a minute. My mouth ruins this completely perfect moment; ” Just my forehead?” He laughs at the ludicrous words. The thoughtless manner I had spoken them. I amuse him. He kisses the tip of my nose. I giggle like a teenager. I am frustrated, yet amused as well. His eyes are searching again. This time my eyes. What is he trying to see? I scrunch my nose and he laughs at me again. I can’t help but make light of the seriousness of this so called perfect moment. I don’t have perfect moments. It’s better to muck them up so when it fails there is always that fall back to know it wasn’t as great as you remembered. This gesture causes him to grin further. I huff and say; “Am I really so fun to make fun of?” No longer grinning he seriously places each hand on the sides of my face.
“No, you’re beautiful.” I want to refute the compliment. His statement. It is my MO to deny a compliment. To force it back with a negative. He says the words so sincerely my heart thumps faster and I want to cry. For I do believe his words because I just began to believe them myself. I say nothing else but smile shyly. Lost in the fact that a moment as perfect as this could happen to unlucky in romance me. He holds me closer in his arms and I fold into them. I rest my head below his chin and his stubble rests easily on my forehead. I sigh and smile.
“The stars are so bright tonight,” he says suddenly. I look up to the night sky. He’s right of course but I must point out the obvious:
“That’s is such a THING to say at a time like this.”
He kisses my forehead again. Not saying a word but continues to look up. I break away from his embrace and sit on the grass beside his feet. He follows suit. We sit side by side in this empty field staring up into the sky streched before us. I feel like there is an electricity between us. We bring our fingers together. Lace them together and lie back on the dewey spring grass.
“There is going to be a million bugs in my hair after this and I don’t even care.” I am always ruining the moment. He squeezes my hand tighter has his deep laugh resonates in the night air.
“You’re kind of ridiculous, you do know that right?” I shrug and look at him. My face become wet from the grass. I scrinch my nose again. As if he could not contain himself anymore he brings his face to mine and kisses me softly. He swings is leg over my body. His weight is welcome and I lose my fingers in his feather soft hair. Why is his hair so much softer than mine? I try and not to think of this as I part my lips and his tongue slips in and dances with mine. He isn’t aggressive and the teeth gnashing is absent. We kiss under the stars and get lost in the moment. Who knows if I’ll see him tomorrow? I never know anymore. This much I do know: it’s all about the story.
I can’t fall back to sleep. I had a dinner date with one of my closest friends last night. We hung out for awhile ans made it back home around 10:30. I was passed out at 11 Iwas so tired. I’ve just been so tired lately. Sunday I got home so late and woke up so early.. I think that screwed me all up.
I am such a contradiction. I am contradiction. “I lie in an early bed thinking late thoughts.” I’m about ready to start the day so I think this constitutes an early bed. Oh Fiona. I relate to you more and more as I get older.
Warning. This post may be all over the place.
I’ve lingered long enough
My thoughts are languished and my heart is tired
You’re an empty vessel in a full world
A foolish world
Were you made to tease?
I’ve made a mess of things
Young and dumb
Undertaking this under current
I’m buzzing for days
I do everything in vain
Married to the vanity and the insanity
Weary of the letdown
The one that is so expected
The one that is widely accepted
Its appropriate to look at the big picture
Let’s call this all hindsight
I shouldn’t have
Every moment becomes a story
In the back of the mind of the wanderers
Labored and loving
Loving the wrong
Hating the right
Backwards into the cumbersome realities
Odds of bending over to break
Just enough to seem like it mattered
Put your own spin on random
Until the next time. Til I am at a loss once more
Lingering. I’m lingering where I am not wanted
Not wanted by the ones you want
I’m working on a song. Actually writing it out not freestyling it. Writing a song is HARD.
This is what I’ve got so far it’s so emo and me so yeah
I’m feeling broken, I’m feeling used
So tired of being your ego boost
not much to say
I know that it’s no use
Fell apart at the seams
just because that’s what’s always happening
Didn’t mean to fall that hard
That’s just the way I know how
When I sing it the words flow better and sound much… prettier. I try and go all Joss Stone and Black Keys with it. Random thought of the night.
Oh, I have a facebook page to post updates too
It is SUNDAY FUNDAY. I woke up with the worst backaches ever. Losing a person makes you become a regular woman again and that blows. But at least it went back to it’s normal three day schedule instead of the month long grossness I would get every 4 months or so. Last I’ll talk of that.
Today i’m visiting with my cousins which should be a good time. Wine and pizza is the classy way of life.
So in honor of Sunday I took a shower and I felt like singing. I was like I don’t look so terrible all wet haired and no make up so lets do this. So here THAT is
So happy Sunday ya’ll because you know Monday is just a day away.
I don’t know of moments. I don’t know of being held and cherished. I don’t know of fingertips on lips. I don’t know of it. I don’t know what it’s like to have fingers tangled in hair. I don’t know what it’s like to be caressed like it means something. I don’t know what it’s like to be in love. To be REALLY in love.
I don’t know what it’s like to lose an hour with someone you care about LIKE THAT. I don’t know what it’s like to really stare into someone’s eyes and click. I don’t know what its like to be irrevocably loved. I don’t know where i’ll be in five years. I don’t know if I want to share. I don’t know if they’re worth it. I don’t know if madness and emotional disarray will ever be out of my head. I don’t know if hope is always worth it. I don’t know how to be positive 100% of the fucking time. I don’t know what feeling small in someone’s arms feels like. I don’t know what it’s like to trace the freckles on someones back. I don’t know what it’s like to be truly needed. I don’t know if I’ll ever trust anyone fully.
I know of loneliness in a full house
I know of jealousy
I know of UNcertainty
I know of rejection
Is there a way to actually meet a nice dude in a bar? Is that a real thing? If you have met the love of your life in a bar please let me know because I am pretty sure its impossible. Way too many dudes just trying to get ass. Way too many. I’m tired of being disrespected because of my size. Dudes think that I am easy like I’m this super desperate fat chick. Literally. This dude,once, talked to his friend about me and said that. Sir, calm down. I won’t be this size forever man.
That’s my main gripe today. The lack of ways to meet guys. Like it’s really hard to organically meet a nice guy. I want that coffee shop/bookstore meet cute. I want that so bad. I just have to write it out instead. Maybe following The Secret sans vision board that shit will happen. Now this is total Krystal land fantasy. Okay? I know this is never, ever gonna happen. Let me enjoy myself for five seconds:
” Venti iced caramel macchiatio please, extra drizzle,” I order while looking at the menu, even though I know EXACTLY what I want.
“4.25,” the cashier says with her high pony tail bopping. I hand her my debit card without even thinking about how I just spent five bucks on a fucking cup of coffee.
I head down to the end of the counter and fiddle with my phone waiting for my drink to be called. I’m aware of a presence near me and I look up alarmed. I see a nice looking guy with dark, strawberry blond hair and a nice amount of stubble. He gives me a nice smile and I return the gesture hoping I don’t look like a clown.
“Ventiicedcaramelmacchiatoextradrizzle?” the girl says super fast. I grab the drink and say thanks.
“Extra drizzle?” The red haired man asks.
“Yup, it’s never caramel enough,” I reply with a shrug.
“I respect that,” He says with a wry grin.
I smile and head over to grab a straw.
“Venticaramelfrappachino?” I hear as I open the straw. I see cute ginger grab the cup and I notice his T Shirt reads The Black Keys. Feeling brazen I decide I HAVE to speak to this person.
“Girlie drink, sir,” I say gesturing to his cup. He gives me a hearty laugh. Sense of humor. CHECK.
“Macchiatos aren’t caramel enough for me.”
“Touche,” I reply with a grin.
“I just saw the black keys at firefly. One of the best sets I have ever seen live,” I said pointing to his shirt. I was trying to show how well I point.
“Oh man I know. I was there. It was amazing.”
“Wasn’t firefly awesome? I am definitely going next year.”
“Me too, there is no way in hell i’d miss it.” His eyes were a warm brown and I was drawn in.
“I’m Krystal, ” I say giving him my hand.
There it is. My perfect meet cute. Stfu. I know you’re laughing at my preposterous dreamy soul or thinking this girl has zero sense of reality. Let me tell you. I am well aware of my reality. I may be a little too negative when it comes to parts of my reality. I think I am done looking. I think. I say that but I am still a boy crazy dumb bitty. I just feel like i’ve been looking good lately and my confidence is showing a lot more. I thought this would get easier but its just been a mess.
I want to conquer.
I want to become a phoenix and come up from the ashes of my crazy and show them.
I want to be better.
I want to be the definition of better.
I want the world to see that my mind never stays idle for long and the thoughts are worthy.
I want to show everone i am worthy.
I want the realization to kick in for the ones who discarded me.
I want them to LONG.
I want to be more Zen.
I want to feel less anger.
I want to put more stock in karma.
I want my weirdness to be embraced.
I want my honesty to make people listen; not run.
I want people to take pause and think.
I want to be noticed for all the right reasons.
I want to be well traveled.
I want to raise questions.
I want to be held and not out of pity.
I want people to notice my heart, my soul and not be disgusted.
I want,sincerely, to not give a SHIT what people think about me.
I want to stop being contradictory.
I want things to be great for all that I care about.
I want the nonsense of the world to make sense to me.
I want to go back to school.
I want to be a force to be reckoned with.
I want to light up like a Christmas tree.
I want to be known for my smiles and not my tears.
I want to be more visceral.
I want to
always take my chances.
I want respect.
I want the best for others
I want more memories.
I want to never run out of love to give.
I want to leave the past behind, but still learn from it.
I want to be risky.
I want to be the half cocked smile on all your faces
I want to stop wallowing in doubt.
I want to stop wallowing PERIOD.
I want to make out with the sunrise and never look back