“Don’t wait for anyone,” she said, “The only thing that’s guaranteed to happen is losing precious time.”
I read those above words on thought catalog today and I was just in awe of its simplicity. It is true. Why wait for ANYONE?! I am in a great place in my life where I am not waiting for anyone. I’m not waiting for anyone to make moves because I don’t care. While it is lovely to kiss and be held it isn’t top priority at this moment. Getting my bills/finances in order is. Decorating my apartment is. Maybe because of this laissez faire attitude towards dating is why I am actually going on dates? Maybe because pof.com doesn’t completely suck as everyone thinks? I don’t know. I’m not searching anyone out. The profiles out there if anyone wants to drop me a line. If they seem interesting I reply. I love meeting new people and I think, at this point in my life, that should be what it’s all about. I’m not expecting to find the love of my life. I am just out there for new experiences and new stories to tell. Sometimes I feel like my world is so small and limited because of my time. I work anywhere from 48 hours a week to 65. I work in a call center and a beauty store in the mall. How am I going to meet new people that way?
How did this post become so convuluted. I started with one measely quote and went off in some tangent. I don’t know. This week has been crazy. I moved into my own place and worked every single day except this past Sunday. I have come down with a cold and I am just tired all the time. So. Me. Focus on me. Stop waiting for people and just keep going down my own path toward enlightenment.
I’m trying to get into a routine of sorts. Trying to figure it all out without finding too much out.
I am feeling all writey today. So I’m going to write a brief piece of fiction. There is no back story. There is no real reason for this. Maybe nostalgia. Maybe I’m wishing for a future and i’m trying to write it out to make it true. Whatevs. Here is. Read and perceive at your own risk and all that.
I lick my lips in anticipation of his kiss. I am so sick of forced entries. The violation of the tongue down my throat and the agression that causes our teeth to gnash together. I hate that the most. A perfectly good kiss can be ruined but teeth gnashing. I want this kiss more than I have wanted a lot of things lately. His perfect Bambi eyes are trained on my mouth but he does not make a move. The light brown is perfectly framed with luscious lashes. His lids are low and I am enraptured. He does nothing. Maddening. This is maddening. I pull back for fear of rejection. I push a stray bit of my dark hair behind my ear and look to the floor. My toe nail polish is chipping and I curl my toes in embarassament. He is not looking at my sandaled feet. He is looking at my lips. I bite my bottom lip in confusion and frustration. He pulls me closer by grabbing onto my jean belt loop. I place a hand on his chest. I feel his heart beat through his thin cotton t-shirt. I am poised for the perfect kiss. My head is tilted upward and slightly adjusted to go right. His full lips part. I’m ready. He leans forward and delicately places a kiss on my forehead. I sigh in contentment and with wanting. He cups my chin and softly rubs it with his thumb. I bite my lip again. My mind is going four thousand times a minute. My mouth ruins this completely perfect moment; ” Just my forehead?” He laughs at the ludicrous words. The thoughtless manner I had spoken them. I amuse him. He kisses the tip of my nose. I giggle like a teenager. I am frustrated, yet amused as well. His eyes are searching again. This time my eyes. What is he trying to see? I scrunch my nose and he laughs at me again. I can’t help but make light of the seriousness of this so called perfect moment. I don’t have perfect moments. It’s better to muck them up so when it fails there is always that fall back to know it wasn’t as great as you remembered. This gesture causes him to grin further. I huff and say; “Am I really so fun to make fun of?” No longer grinning he seriously places each hand on the sides of my face.
“No, you’re beautiful.” I want to refute the compliment. His statement. It is my MO to deny a compliment. To force it back with a negative. He says the words so sincerely my heart thumps faster and I want to cry. For I do believe his words because I just began to believe them myself. I say nothing else but smile shyly. Lost in the fact that a moment as perfect as this could happen to unlucky in romance me. He holds me closer in his arms and I fold into them. I rest my head below his chin and his stubble rests easily on my forehead. I sigh and smile.
“The stars are so bright tonight,” he says suddenly. I look up to the night sky. He’s right of course but I must point out the obvious:
“That’s is such a THING to say at a time like this.”
He kisses my forehead again. Not saying a word but continues to look up. I break away from his embrace and sit on the grass beside his feet. He follows suit. We sit side by side in this empty field staring up into the sky streched before us. I feel like there is an electricity between us. We bring our fingers together. Lace them together and lie back on the dewey spring grass.
“There is going to be a million bugs in my hair after this and I don’t even care.” I am always ruining the moment. He squeezes my hand tighter has his deep laugh resonates in the night air.
“You’re kind of ridiculous, you do know that right?” I shrug and look at him. My face become wet from the grass. I scrinch my nose again. As if he could not contain himself anymore he brings his face to mine and kisses me softly. He swings is leg over my body. His weight is welcome and I lose my fingers in his feather soft hair. Why is his hair so much softer than mine? I try and not to think of this as I part my lips and his tongue slips in and dances with mine. He isn’t aggressive and the teeth gnashing is absent. We kiss under the stars and get lost in the moment. Who knows if I’ll see him tomorrow? I never know anymore. This much I do know: it’s all about the story.
I am dancing between super happy and super sad at ever second of everday since Thursday of last week. I am erratic. I am listless.
I’m a mess
I am trying really hard not to over think the sad. I’m trying to rationalize that people are no longer in pain when they were suffering and they die. That is true. That is absolutely fact in this situation. I am still really upset about the whole thing. One of my important people in my life lost someone truly important to her yesterday. Her mother is gone and I am in awe with the strength my dear friend is having during this trying time. She inspires me to grow stronger yet here I am. Crying at little random times in the car alone. I keep going back to the times I spent with her mom. Going over how boys really were the worst 85% of the time. It’s selfish but I am glad she was able to see me become truly happy and more acclimated in my adulthood. I was such an awkward teen. Graceless at best. She saw me lose the weight and truly come into my own and for that I’m happy. I hope she knows that I’ll always be the best friend her daughter could ever ask for. I think she knew that. Despite the truly bad fights me and Katie have had we forgive each other LIKE THAT and Chris (her mom) knew that. There isn’t much that’ll keep me and her apart.
There are other things that have been bugging me lately. All I can say is I am just TRYING.
I am trying so hard to just be okay. I’ve been struggling so much lately. I was SO good for awhile there. I really was. Then I just went into this downward spiral of shame. Not that I’m ashamed of anything I’ve done (lots of learning experiences and one day you will get a frank writing on some of those experiences but not while I still live at home. I think those posts will be PW protected still anyway.) I just feel ashamed of myself for not actively being happy all the time. Why am I pursuing a relationship so badly? Why do I want one? Am I tired of the trite hook ups? Yup. So sick of false promises by dudes. I am ashamed of myself for falling for it. I do love myself more than I have in my entire life. But there are moments when it is so suffocating to be alone and see most of everyone in happy cozy relationships. I’ll be real; I have relationship envy. This isn’t high school romance BS anymore. People are getting married, buying houses, and having kids. I understand everyone is on their own trajectory but I can’t help but wonder when will my time come? I am awesome and people should want to be awesome with me too! After this year lease is up May 2014 I am going to start looking at jobs in cities. I think it’s time I branch out of the suburbs and move to a new city. WHY DOES CHICAGO KEEP CALLING ME IT IS SO COLD THERE?
My dream is to find a cool loft in Philly but how am I going to find a job within a year and month that’ll pay for such things? So here I am ya’ll. A bouncing selfish mess of mess. I am sure it’ll all turn around soon and I’ll be back to my normal happy self but til then.. . just got to deal with the punches as they come at me. It’s growing up. I’m doing it.
I wish I could properly articulate half the stuff in my mind without showing you all how nuts I really am. Nuts, or normal?
I’ll leave you with this : I am so mad that I am not happy. I am so unhappy with my job and the fact that I am not doing what I love just because of money. I need to get creative.
I need to be me again.
This has been one of the most emotional and trying months in a long time. A lot of good has happened but so has bad. Is it lame to mention the circle of life? I’ve been sad. The kind off sad that makes you think drinking while sad is the greatest idea ever and you end up just crying and screaming at everyone. I am losing my second mother. She is dying as I type this.
We knew the end of the road would come but we didn’t know it would happen so quickly. I moved to Delaware when I was almost 13. I met my next door neighbor Katie who is just a year younger than I. Through the way children do we became best friends. Now I consider her my sister. We have had a 13 year long friendship that has had it’s up and downs but I have never stopped caring for her as though she is part of my family. I know she feels the same for me too. Her mother wwatched me grow up. Let me cry when I was the third or fifth wheel and she always said my time would come. Chris, her mother, truly became a second mom to me. I love her. Now I am going to be saying I LOVED her. She’s been battling cancer for a really long time. This past Friday I find out my sister from another mister is signing the papers for hospice. S aturday she tells me on Friday she signed a DNR. This is shit a 24 year old shouldn’t have to deal with. I keep telling her I am here for her. Trying to be that pillar of strength while I am just a hot mess myself. In culmination of this my family is having financial issues. My grandmother isn’t well either. She’s been in and out of the hospital for awhile now. I feel a weight on my chest and sometimes all I can do is close my eyes and try to fast forward time a little. To when we are out of the darkness and we are coping better.
All this is happening then I get a kiss off from the guy who I liked and who seemed to really like Me. He was musicslly all there. Loved the same music I did.or do. Whatever. Had an amazing date and amazing kiss. He kissed me like he fucking meant it. Then a day before I was foing to drive and see him he calls and says the hour and the half driving distance is too much for him. He came up with a thousand excuses and I cried a thousand stupid lame ass tears. I so wanted that one to work out. With these trying times it would have been nice to have someone to lean on a little. Instead I am back to just leaning on me to try inner strength. Again. Gotta keep the hope alive. He found his excuse early on for his out. I’m just going to patiently wait for the one who doesn’t find an excuse. Who am I kidding I don’t have a patient bone in my body. Just send out positive vibes. I am trying o get it together while hating mostly everything right now. The light at the end of the tunnel is I move out on April 13th. Hello queen sized bed.
I am a crappy blogger. I get it. I just only have my phone to post on right now since I have yet to buy a new battery for my lap top. Um. Lemme order that off amazon right now.
Anyway lots has been going on vida de Krystal. I purchased my own car finally. She is a hooptie kinda but she is all mines. A 98 kia with 100, 000 miles. New tires, battery, breaks, and a nixe head unit all for the low price of 995. My hopefully future room mate and I applied for a gorgeous apartment last Friday. It is a two bedroom with 2.5 bathrooms with all kinds of gorgeous amenities. Not to mention dat kitchen. So. With my shoddy credit that is our only true concern. We both make the right amount of money to afford rent plus utilities plus Some of my concert addictions. I have paif a goof chunk to the only negative thing on my account; my t mobile bill from when I was 21. I got it down to 450 from 630. It shouls reflect that I have made a payment arrangement with em so I am hoping with that and thr combo of my room mate’s kick ass credit we shall be fine. Hoping to hear back soon so I can buy myself a queen size mattress and box spring. Plus pots and pans! I am beyond excited for my future independence. Cant even deny this is going to make dating so much easier. Wanma go back to watch a movie and some ya know what I’m saying? No probs because I will have my own place. I keep thinking of a sweet wine rack that will undoubtedbly have half enpty bottles on it. I hope everything works out. This apartment is gorgeous
24 hour gym and they serve you breakfast Monday through Friday in their club house. Shit is too legit to quit. Plus m room mate is perfect. She has a schedule opposite of mine and is so even keeled. Plus I am not the type to being a huge party in my own space. Plus I love to cook. I am a catch men. Get on it.
Speaking of men I have had my heart bruised. I was starting to like this kid so damn much then he turns loco on me talking about how he is nt over his past relationship. Ugh. So he pulled the ol we dont know what the future holds bull shit but let me tell you… I am hurt. Dont feed me this amazing possible relationship and then do a full on 180. Please. That’s why I put myself back on okcupid and I have a date on Sunday. And possibly tonight. Anddd a couple of other guys trying to meet me. Honestly I was all dom and gloom about the rejection then three other dudes popped up. Thanks universe!
That brings me to my next point.
A lot of men are down with women with meat on their bones. They dig all of this. I am going to brag right now. I have pulled some straight up, inarguable, hotties. Sure shit never became anything really but hey they were undoubtedbly attracted to me and we had good times hanging out. Hell the guy who bruised my heart has the prettiest eyes that may be why my heart is so bruised. Sucker for some dark lashes around light eyes. I admit if he changed his mind down the line I will prob give him another chance. Actually, I know I will. I havent had legitimate FEELINGS for a dude in a long time. Looking back on the last thing that could of been anything… I didnt care about him anywhere near the way he cared about me. Plus his baggage… and the fact he never dropped said baggage I found out later… I made the right decision. I have learned a lot. Cried a lot. And I am still going. Seriously cross your fingers for this apartment. I need my own kitchen
I am so close. SO CLOSE TO BIG THANGS POPPIN! I am not going to jinx myself by talking about it too much but hopefully by March I won’t have to contain my excitement. HOPEFULLY.
My real happiness today stems from the announcement that Fall Out Boy is getting back into music. Tickets for their tour go on sale Friday and May 30th they’ll be in Philly.
My heart is happy. That’s pretty much it. Thanks for your time haha