no more losing the war


This has been one of the most emotional and trying months in a long time. A lot of good has happened but so has bad. Is it lame to mention the circle of life? I’ve been sad. The kind off sad that makes you think drinking while sad is the greatest idea ever and you end up just crying and screaming at everyone. I am losing my second mother. She is dying as I type this.
We knew the end of the road would come but we didn’t know it would happen so quickly. I moved to Delaware when I was almost 13. I met my next door neighbor Katie who is just a year younger than I. Through the way children do we became best friends. Now I consider her my sister. We have had a 13 year long friendship that has had it’s up and downs but I have never stopped caring for her as though she is part of my family. I know she feels the same for me too. Her mother wwatched me grow up. Let me cry when I was the third or fifth wheel and she always said my time would come. Chris, her mother, truly became a second mom to me. I love her. Now I am going to be saying I LOVED her. She’s been battling cancer for a really long time. This past Friday I find out my sister from another mister is signing the papers for hospice. S aturday she tells me on Friday she signed a DNR. This is shit a 24 year old shouldn’t have to deal with. I keep telling her I am here for her. Trying to be that pillar of strength while I am just a hot mess myself. In culmination of this my family is having financial issues. My grandmother isn’t well either. She’s been in and out of the hospital for awhile now. I feel a weight on my chest and sometimes all I can do is close my eyes and try to fast forward time a little. To when we are out of the darkness and we are coping better.
All this is happening then I get a kiss off from the guy who I liked and who seemed to really like Me. He was musicslly all there. Loved the same music I did.or do. Whatever. Had an amazing date and amazing kiss. He kissed me like he fucking meant it. Then a day before I was foing to drive and see him he calls and says the hour and the half driving distance is too much for him. He came up with a thousand excuses and I cried a thousand stupid lame ass tears. I so wanted that one to work out. With these trying times it would have been nice to have someone to lean on a little. Instead I am back to just leaning on me to try inner strength. Again. Gotta keep the hope alive. He found his excuse early on for his out. I’m just going to patiently wait for the one who doesn’t find an excuse. Who am I kidding I don’t have a patient bone in my body. Just send out positive vibes. I am trying o get it together while hating mostly everything right now. The light at the end of the tunnel is I move out on April 13th. Hello queen sized bed.

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