wear your heart on your cheek

I now know what it’s like to hurt someone. To break a heart so to speak. Its not really my fault but I feel bad regardless.
I have been “talking” to a guy that was so cute and so sweet. I really liked him but not enough to say you are the one I could date seriously and be bf/gf with. I told him that from the beginning that I was not ready for a full on relationship. I didn’t understand how he could be either because of the baggage he was coming with. The main issues with our WHATEVER THE HELL IT WAS is this: he thought he could change me.
I have done a lot of changing on my own this year. I embraced my womanhood and embraced my true extroverted nature. I have finally started living the life I should’ve left all along. He knew all this. I am an extremely honest person. He tried to call me his girlfriend on several occasions and I freaked out. Has he really not heard the screams of I am not ready.? Maybe it boils down to me not liking him enough to give up on going out on the weekends. That was what really sent his ass reeling. He said he can’t be with someone with that lifestyle. Dude. I told you that was my life from the JUMP. My honesty… was sincere. Did he think that he could change me just because he told me how beautiful I was? I can’t be with someone whole heartedly if they don’t listen. Look, here’s the thing everyone. I am set in my ways. I am all for compromise but to so a complete 180 for a guy I barely know is simply absurd. Especially a guy who’s essentially proclaimi ng his love for me after a few weeks of hanging out. We went on one real date.
I think he has an idealized version of who I was and he was sadly disappointed. He seems like a lost soul and maybe the military fucked him up a lot too. Maybe he felt like he had to rush things with me because he’s afraid of being alone. I used to be that way. Now I like myself too much to settle for whatever comes my way. Relationship wise especially. I’m coming to anage where if you’re going to be in a real relationship with someone you have to think about long haul shit. Do you know how many engagements were announced on facebook this month? A shit ton. I have no desire to get married to anyone at this point. I haven’t been persuaded to lean any which way in that spectrum of life. Maybe I just suck at sharing. I just feel like before I share my life with someone I need to make my life. I want to travel more and have random ass romantic trysts in Europe. I want to sing more in public and finally finish that novel I have been working on. I don’t want to have regrets in life because I just got married to the first guy who asked me. I wish homeboy had actually listened to me and then he wouldn’t be all butt hurt. This month felt like I was in a controlling relationship ans I wasn’t even in a friggin relationship. I am glad I stood my ground and said NO when I did to save us both a lot of heart ache. Just because the affection was nice doesn’t make up for the fact that we probably wouldn’t make it as a couple. I am a realist. I know him having a child makes him in a different place in his life. Being in the military makes him different. I am still very much a young woman figuring life out. I will not be pressured to change so I could be someone’s future wife. If you can’t accept who I am now then… you won’t accept me later because I. Am not changing when I have come so far as to know who the hell I am. What a learning experience this was. I am eternally grateful for the boy for helping me realize what I don’t want.


8 thoughts on “wear your heart on your cheek

  1. Wait, wait, wait. Why would dating anyone mean giving up going out on the weekends? That should never be the case in any relationship ever. Having a significant other doesn’t mean you can no longer see friends in your spare time. What the hell is that? You can still do all the things you want to do in life while being in a relationship…provided it’s with a sane person. If anything, Ken and I push one another to achieve goals. Why hold someone back if you love them?

    I know you told me his whole “baggage” situation (btw, that goes above and beyond that term). I think that should’ve set you off that he’s not worth your time. That while issue already screams that he needs to sort out his problems before dragging another person into them.

    You deserve much better than what you seek. Raise your standards…seriously. The moment you meet a guy you like that fits in with you, your friends, and family, you have yourself a keeper.

    • Yeah maybe I was latching on because he said all the right things in the begining but in hindsight I should have ran screaming

  2. Clearly, we haven’t hung out in ages. Last time I saw you properly (other than seeing you at work and I didn’t want to interrupt you at work too much) was at your Birthday. Seems like I catch up more by reading your blog. LOL. Kudos to you for updating yours more than I’ve ever updated mine. Haha.

    The crumbling of the “fling” that you had between you and him is NOT your fault. Clearly, he was trying too hard to get what he wanted and he had no intentions on doing what YOU wanted. That was an instant red flag. Unfortunately, I’ve made the same mistakes, but I fell into the trap. Although he liked me, he pulled me into liking him, and I fell harder than a bitch on an ice skating rink. You know exactly who I am talking about and you know what happened, so I don’t need to go on anymore.

    And, as Christina said, just because you’re in a relationship, doesn’t mean that you don’t have time for your friends nor are you giving up your weekends. I know for a fact, you are not that kind of person. I’ve had friends like this, who have gotten married, engaged, and their lives have revolved around nothing but the person who put that ring around their finger. Then, I also have friends in this same group who STILL make time and an effort for those people who they have known longer. You CAN fall in love and still rock that same life. Heck, you can even get them involved, and SCORE if they like the same things you do… more you can do together.

    As they say, there’s plenty of fish in the sea, and there is someone out there for all of us. Like you, everyone around us is getting engaged, but I’m not rushing it. I’m embracing each day that I’m single as if my life depended on it Haha

    • Yeah he had no def what he was dealing with but it’s ok. Its a learning experience for both of us. I just gotta keep. Doing me.

  3. I don’t think you should ever have to change for anybody and nobody should expect you to. Good on you for standing up for yourself and saying no. It doesn’t sound like that would turn out to be a healthy relationship so it’s probably good it ended before it had a chance to really begin.

    P.S Hello, I’m Kayla 🙂

    • Thanksbfor commenting Kayla. I totally agree. The problem is now we are trying the friend thing and I think he thinks it’ll eventually turn into more but it can’t. I know in my heart he isn’t the one for me

  4. My family tried to change me for 5 years and counting, negative. I’ll never let anyone do that! It cannot be done – I refuse to change for anyone. I’m me and I’d like to stay that way. I’m sure you definitely don’t want to change for anyone, you shouldn’t. Not at all.

    Have a wonderful New Year!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s