trials of the past

Sometimes you gotta take a mental step back to reevaluate what you really want in life. This past year has been nothing but go go go. I was consumed by music, travelling, and lots and lots of kissing. Yes I seized the motherfucking day every day. For the most part. When I wasn’t dying from exhaustion and shit. I made realizations this year and did things I never imagined I would do in a million years. It’s been a helluva ride. I have made great friends and I have lost touch with others. Simply our lives are on totally different tangents and we just can’t meet in the middle.
I learned that I wasn’t going to change for anyone. I learned that I need to be less forgiving to liars. I learned just because you’ve known someone forever doesn’t mean they always have your best interest in heart. I learned that’s okay because there are other people more willing to be there for me even though they’re a thousand miles away. More like 761 miles but still. That bitch is far.
I learned that not all men are created in the same vein of douchelordness as the last. Guys I have bestowed my affections upon. There are good guys even though they can be all clingy and shit fast. Guess what you can do when that happens? Tell them, like an adult, that they’re gonna chase you away with took much too soon and they’ll back off a bit. You know what that does for me? Makes me crazy for em all over again. Funny how fickle I am.
I learned that I am not really relationship material and that is ay oh fucking Kay. I am not ready for all consuming love and the guy I am “talking” too now gets it. That’s all that matters.
I learned what a soul mate was and that comes in the form of my best fucking friend Leslie. She is truly the person I tell EVERYTHING to and her judgements are nonexistent. I am so blessed to have had this year to are her as much as I could. The amount of shit we went through in Vegas anyone is a bond that I don’t think I will be able to share with any other friend. She’s my rock. She’s not always steady but she’s there for me no matter what. Seriously. No matter what.
I’ve learned what true friendship is through that woman and I am so grateful. I miss her terribly but I’ll be seeing her in January then march after.
The things I have seen and done this year is unlike anything in all 25 years of living. There is nothing to compare it to. While I still don’t know what I wanna be when I grow up I know what it’s like to grow up. Even if it’s in the non traditional ways. Life takes you through a whole lot of crazy. The biggest thing I learned about myself is love for myself. I. Never thought I’d see the day but as I protect my heart in this new friendship I know I am doing it because I just learned how to love myself how can I share that newfound love with anyone else yet? This love is in its precarious stages. These lessons are shaping me into a wise woman. I know that I am crazy and a mess sometimes but I don’t hide it or pretend to be anything but myself. That’s the key. Be yourself and own yourself. Take advice when it’s good advice. That’s a huge thing too. Actually heed good advice instead of dismissing it. Not everyone is out to get you. Try and see the positive for once I. Your life ans be on the offense instead of the defense.
2012 was the year of getting shit done. I may still be living in my parents house but I achieved happiness. My happy is a different shade than your happy. My happy includes me. No kids , no husband, and no bull shit. That’s ok for now because I learned that despite my size people really do find confidence sexy as hell. Did it really take being pursued to realize that? Hey, homeboy saw my confidence first before he actually approached me so I was exuding it without realizing. That’s the best part of this year for sure. Finding so much about myself and finding my womanhood. Let’s hope the world keeps her shit together so I can have another year of crazy awesome times. Let’s hope people can calm their tits and start loving instead of hating.


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