lost in the world i’m down on my line


I am a way stronger woman than I was a year ago. While I am still coming to terms with my weight and how much more I need to lose I know I look better than I have ever in YEARS. I feel better and I am taking care of myself.
So I have been dating. And hooking up. This past week I have dated a guy who is so crazy into me so quick I am so put off. Be careful what you wish for right? While I opened up about how my image of my body freaks me out and makes me feel un-sexy he frequently reminds me how sexy he thinks I am. By frequently I mean every time we see each other. He says things like I’m in his dreams and in his heart. He wants to see me all the time in ways that aren’t necessarily convenient for me. Like a quick stop in at my job to say hi is nice if you just so happen to be co.ing to the mall. That’s cool but please don’t go out of your way. I thought this was all what I wanted but we have literally only been talking for a week and two days. And he brings oup the word boyfriend. I am not ready for such terms when I was just wanting to date and see what happens. I am JUST starting out in this dating game. I am not necessarily where I need to be in loving myself wholly. I am aware of this. Homeboy has been saying the sweetest shit but it’s way too much too fast. It’s not like he even has the ability to be in a committed relationship because he has baggage. Lots of it. Not necessarily the kind of baggage that could go well with mine either. I am trying my best to nice this nice guy a chance but he needs to understand the amount wriggle room I need. I am a strong woman. Fiercely independent woman. I love my time to myself. I love flirting and just seeing where the road takes me. I like just taking a random weekend trip to see my best friend I don’t mind going to concerts alone. I also like it when people actually fucking listen to me when I say I don’t want a boyfriend. Because I don’t. Not on the immediate. Why is everyone so quick to jump into these really serious relationship when you barely know each other. There’s no way this guy know me because he just talks about himself all the time. He doesn’t understand that while every other male treated me like shit the other ones I did like and start to kinda date tried to vice grip me too soon and that’s not me. I don’t roll that way. So if he stopped to listen to me for five seconds… he’d realize he is going about this in the most wrong way possible. I am literally only telling you have the storey here because there is more to his clingy behavior. I just can’t share some of it because I am not gonna blab this guy’s business completely out there. I am trying my best here to be open to something new and give it a chance but why force something already? can’t we just hang out and get to know each other slowly like normal people? I am not trying to be difficult or contradictory to the fact that I wanna spend time with men… I just don’t want someone up my ass forcing the boyfriend word on my after a week and a half of talking. That’s crazy talk. Mr I wanna spend the night with you just to hold you we don’t even have to do anything… like that’s all nice (because I told him de facto that I am not screwing him right away) but I just met you. Like it’s nice but ah! I wanna scream out of frustration because where is my happy medium? Where is the damn mystery? Its either home boy is totally disinterested or they’re all up in my grill. I kinda wanna run away and never come back and that’s not a fun feeling to have. I don’t ever want to feel trapped. I don’t want to end up with a guy because I feel bad because he’s so nice therefore I should just stay with him for posterity or whatever. That’s never fair for either party. While it’d be nice to share my limited time with someone EVENTUALLY I gotta be real and say I am not done being selfish. I work two jobs. Sometimes 60 hours a week between both of them. Maybe I am just not made for relationships. Maybe I’ll never get married. As long as I’m happy in other forms… I don’t see this as a bad thing.

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