i live with one concern its the love diminish and return

Can I please be on a learning curve? I’m figuring shit out way late in life and I’d like to skip the icky emotional bull shit and go straight to being a full on man eater. Like can I be a vixen and not an emotional idiot over men who don’t matter in the slightest? Can I please get to the point where I don’t care what men think of ny appearance? When I don’t beam in their accolades so I can just be yes I already know I’m gorgeous I sent need you telling me to validate it. Waiting for that day. Come on universe. Get that shit together for mw because I am tired of being hurt. I’m tired of being sensitive about my appearance and how dudes speak to me. So sick of it. In all honesty dudes do this to skinnier women than I.. I just am so fixated on the weight thing that it’s all I think about. I thought these thoughts would be under control once I lost over 100 pounds. I THOUGHT incorrectly. My insecurities have gotten way better but they’re not gone. I have to fix this though. No one else can. I really don’t feel like paying for a therapist to. Fix me either because I think I can eventually work this out on my own. I’m a stubborn individual. I also don’t want that stupid. ‘Let me love you song’ be my existence. Like seriously. That song has a horrific message. “Let me love you til you learn to love yourself?” Really Ne-yo? That’s horrible. You gotta love yourself first. That’s my whole thing. I can’t see myself jumping in a relationship with some guy because I’ll assume he’ll cheat on me. Hell as boy crazy as I’ve been I am not even to be trusted. Its a weird place for me right now. I feel really awesome one day. All pretty and accomplished then some dude tears me down and I feel like shit again. Like maybe if I lose that final 65 pounds THEN he’ll want me. Its a sick way odd thinking. I know it. I’m aware. Its also difficult to meet decent men. Like I work 50 hours a week and the only places to haunt are bars. Dudes aren’t looking to date in bars. I get it. The online dating game sucks and I don’t feel like paying for match.com. I just don’t know anymore. I don’t think I’m supposed. To know shit and just experience. Which is what I’ve been doing since square one. Lets see what my next experience will be.


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