watching my youth slip away certainly is a crime

I am so angry. It’s better than sad, right? I’m mad at myself. SO mad at myself. I got caught up in a shitty mindset and now I can’t get out. I can’t escape it. I hate the fact that these males have the ability to get in my head and make me feel like shit. So I am angry. SO ANGRY. At myself. I can’t make the guys I want WANT me. I can’t do it. Apparently some broad became the master pick up artist but she’s also very attractive. Great thin body and all that. I got my face going for me, I guess. My body is still a mess better left fully clothed. I have roughly 65 pounds to lose before I hit my first like goal GOAL. Then I have to worry about surgery for reshaping all the shit I had fucked up by gaining the weight so quickly then losing it quickly too.
I’ll be honest guys; I feel like shit today. Emotionally sick. I feel like I worked really hard to get in this great place in my life. The day where I can feel beautiful and no man can bring me down by not calling me back and shit. As much feminist shit I read I still feel very much unfeminist and butthurt. It’s all learning experiences and I know that. I learned that going after what you want can leave you wanting MORE. That’s the bad part about it all. I want more all the time and it sucks because patience is really where you need to be at with this shit. PATIENCE. Will I ever stfu about how I need patience?
These icky feelings will pass. I know they will. When I meet the next one I will be smarter. That’s all there is to it. These Sunday blues will pass when I go to the movies later and spend time with my friend Meghan. Right now I just have to listen to some Alex Clare to cheer up. I’ll be seeing him next Tuesday and it may get real when I propose to him and all that. So I’m gonna try and STAY angry then GET happy because it’s better than tears. Tears are the worst. I’ve done so well. I haven’t cried over him at all. I have just lamented on my mistakes and replayed bull shit after bull shit in my head but it’s okay. It really is. I have learned a lot this month. It’s been real. There are great stories in this year that I totally plan on writing in my book. Maybe I should really start writing a memoir because this year was NUTS. I am so Hannah from Girls.


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