Let the hurricane set in motion, let the rain of what I feel right now come down. Let the rain come down


I’m in Delaware and hurricane Sandy is fucking up the whole east coast. Since that is happening I have time to reflect.
I am a complete crazy person. I admit it. I am fleeting, I am thinking a million times a minute, I want to be everywhere everyone is, I want to be a lone, I want attention and then it scares the shit out of me. I am trying to be four thousand steps ahead of everyone. What I don’t get about people who come in and out of my life is this: I totally tell you I am insane. I am not being the endearing loca from rom coms. I am literally a flighty girl who can’t make decisions properly. I fall for the assholes and the nice ones scare the shit out of me. I am not ready for real commitment and when I drink I say and do very dumb things. Am I crazy or am I normal?
I am a twenty something that is finally LIVING the twenty something life. I was 400 pounds and I hated how I looked so I did not act like myself. Now I am 135+ pounds down now( I haven’t weighed myself in months so it could be more) and I feel more at home with myself. I am more at home with the fact that I could spend every night at a concert or somewhere dancing. I like to dance dirty and shamelessly. I’m 25! I am learning to give zero fucks. The only time I really get worked up is when I know I’m going to sing in public. I didn’t do that well at that open mic but I did it!
The problem with where I live is this: everyone knows everyone. Everyone talks because they have absolutely nothing better to do.
As I get older I know the judgement free zone is my REAL friends. I have come long and far that I no longer harbor TRUE jealousy (of course i’ll say i’m jelly when your ass is at a show or eating some delicious ice cream and I’m not!) and I am becoming a better woman for it.
I have learned that slut shaming is unnecessary. I have learned that if home girl is gonna get it in with men as much as men do with us more power to em. Be safe is all I say.

I am embracing my inner crazy. I am OWNING the shit out of it. If people stick around then they’re awesome and deserve to be in my life. If not? Really, what am I losing? A judgmental peer? Cry me a fucking river. I got my people in my corner and I love them to death.

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