she spoke words that would melt in your hands… she spoke words of wisdom

People don’t necessarily get it. That’s why I have the blog. I just blog about how no one really gets it. But this is complete utter nonsense because people DO get it. They’re just not near me to comfort me in my fit of crazy. Even the people who have known me half my life can’t fathom my feelings. I think they can sympathize but they can’t empathize. I am not saying I get everything they go through either. Some things are so internal that there literally is no good way to explain it. I can’t explain why I feel like ripping myself to shreds sometimes other than its because I don’t love what I am doing with my life. I am not willing to take the pay cut to pursue my dreams. I am not willing to make sacrifices because I am a chicken shit. But I digress.
I think my biggest problem with explaining myself is how physical I get. In my fit of hurt last night I told my friend I felt like I should just throw myself in front of traffic. I don’t want to end my life but I felt like that would be the ONLY way to show how upset I was at that moment. I think its similar to when I was cutting. Cutting. Was all the rage when I was in high school. I wasn’t really one of those cutters who flashed my scars under my plastic “sex” bracelets( I rocked the shit outta those bracelets though.) My friends knew I was depressed but they didn’t know the extent of my self harm. You would think going away to a “safe” place like rockford would bring that shit to a stop but I think it got worse when I was released. I would graze my ankles with a safety pin. I wasn’t all HXC to show my shit on my wrists. I was just so sad! Looking back now I really don’t even know why I hated my body so much. I was 180 my freshman year. That’s my goal weight now. Its so sad what body image you’re force fed at such a young age. Its made a lot of men discern women like me unattractive and not give girls like me a chance. Its made me self doubt myself. Its made me want to end my life on more than one occasion in the past. I am suicide ideation free but I do want to run away like all the time. I want new new new. I want a new place to live. I want a career I love. I want to be const antly surrounded by awesome and positive life experiences. I just want to be
able to run.
Oh, wondering about my date? It wasn’t bad. He was ve ry nice. And we got along. Possible new frie nd for sure. I’m sure we will hang out again. It was pleasant conversation and he paid for my dinner. I totally offered to pay my piece though. It was something new and that’s what I am all about. As for romance? Ah, I didn’t feel that spark. It sucks because he’s really nice. I gave it a shot. Maybe I am just too fucked up.
Or in truth I am just inexplicably attracted to guys who will never want me.


One thought on “she spoke words that would melt in your hands… she spoke words of wisdom

  1. I…dont remember if I have ever commented before. I think I have tried and sometimes get errors (not your site, my work comp). Anyway, I’m Rhianna and I like your blog. I came to say dont immediately give up after the first date. I didnt feel that spark w/ my bf until the 3rd date. And I’ve heard that before. I am now madly in love w/ the most awesomest wonderfulest man ever and I am so glad I went on that 2nd date. Just saying. But you know yourself and ultimately you know best, just wanted to say sometime the fireworks dont happen like they do on TV.

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