It’s that what you call tact? You’re as subtle as a brick on the small of my back

I want you all to read this post on xojane.
I wish I could have the mentality of the writer Alicia Lutes. . I struggle everyday with my weightittude. I blame my weight on why I don’t have dudes knocking on my door on every corner. It is a feeling that I can’t shake despite losing 130 + pounds. I’m still a fat girl. I am still perceived unattractive by a lot of people. My friends try and beat it in my head that weight doesn’t matter and that i’m beautiful inside and out but it is SO hard when you’ve been rejected mercilessly for the past 20 years. (I was boy crazy at 5 okay?!) When i am pursued it’s almost like a back handed compliment. Dudes are bored, dudes feel pity for me, dudes just wanna screw. Stupid dudes. They also lie. Oh, how men lie to me.

What struck the biggest chord on Alicia’s post was what she was referencing to about her ok cupid profile. It’s my biggest fear. She handled it in the most awesome way while I would’ve cried in the corner for like two hours. When will I be able to own my body the way she does?

I felt empowered by the knowledge that my fat body didn’t define me.

My fat body doesn’t define me but my attitude about my weight has shaped me into the woman I am. I think it made me more sensitive. I definitely feel like I am a kinder person due to the treatment I have received from society. I put up with a lot of shit. Instead of getting angry I became somewhat passive. That is definitely not the route I need to be on. While I am trying to date and pursue crushes again feeling more attractive because I have lost so much weight the rejection I am feeling is hurting a lot. Oh, I flirt like a fool when I go out but when I develop those; “oh man I want him to be MINE” feelings the rejection I receive brings me back to the body hate all over again. I always assume they don’t want me because of my fat ass. I’m working on these issues. I am getting help. But in the now? The right now? I can’t stop the tears. Rejection hurts no matter how it comes at you. A lot of people won’t understand it either. I am so horribly afraid of men any more. The date I was supposed to have tonight is now rescheduled for Thursday at his request. Which is fine and all but now i’m just assuming he’s going to cancel on Thursday. I even sent the kid a disclaimer yesterday in regards to my size. I was like Oh by the way I don’t want you to run away but i’m not a skinny girl. I have like 65 pounds to lose still. He replied very sweetly not to worry but I worry. I worry because of all the aforementioned information I have stated. I try to be the best woman I can be but I still feel like my issue with my weight hasn’t gone away. That’s because I keep receiving negative attention between all the positive (aka dudes wanting to hook up on the dance floor.) Some of this stuff is my fault. My new found confidence is brought out in the wrong place. Until I figure out how to control my sadness with all this rejection I am going to keep re-reading this:

No guy worth anything is going to give a shit if you’re a 2 or a 22 if you’re a mentally and emotionally strong lady worth having around. (Which, shockingly enough — my mental and emotional capacity are in no way correlated to how fat I am!) Letting other people’s opinions of what they find attractive dictate your life is no way to live a life.

oh and this especially:

If I want him to; if he can handle me — I’m a lot of woman, you see. And not being skinny enough for him to throw me over his shoulder will be the least important thing in the world because we’ll vibe on a different fucking level entirely. Shit, he’ll LOVE that, too — he’ll LOVE that I’m not some skinny girl that can be tossed around like a rag doll. He’ll love the shit out of that fact. Because he’ll love all of me and that includes the pounds of fat under my skin.

So while I KNOW all this stuff I just need a reminder. So thank you again Alicia. You’re helping me so much and thank you again for allowing me to quote you. I hope to get on your level sooner rather than later.


3 thoughts on “It’s that what you call tact? You’re as subtle as a brick on the small of my back

  1. I completely loved Alicia’s blog in response to the jerk and the girl who completely misconstrued the point of it in the first place. And I love your blog and your honesty, and it’s good to know that there are other women just like me fighting with my insecurities and trying to make sense of it all.

    P.S. you are looking great, and you are one of my motivations to work hard at losing weight after my lap band surgery. Keep it up girl, and remember it’s not for everyone else it’s for you. 🙂

  2. I was boy crazy at 5 as well. I had a playdate with a boy from my kindergarten class- his name was Brett. I accidentally hit him in the head with a small piano keyboard.

    You should stay confident. You’re awesome and beautiful and you’ve come so far. Any guy would be lucky to date you.

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