(she’s) in love with the world and sometimes these feelings can be SO misleading


So since my last post I crossed the 25 years young threshold. I brought in the new year of life with amazing people and I am so thankful.
I have started my soul searching once more. I have realized that I am a mess and I need to clean myself up. I can’t organize my thoughts sometimes and I feel like I have to conquer so much at once instead of just doing one thing at a time.
My mind just cannot rest. I keep my eyes on all the prizes I could have and sometimes my vision gets cloudy.

Sometimes I really think I don’t even need a therapist. I know what is up with me. I know that I am scared sometimes. Just so damn scared that I won’t amount to nothing. That i’ll be a drone and never do what I want to do FOR REAL.
SO, I am doing an open mic night on the 20th. I am doing Joss Stone’s Fell in Love with a Boy. Step one ladies and gents. It’s a step. I am also dating. I have a legit date on Tuesday. I don’t know what’s going to happen. If he’s gonna see me and run for the hills because he can’t handle that I am of.. size? I don’t know what the HELL I am going to wear. Maybe this outfit:

I may wear my new boots that have a 2 inch heel. Homeboy is 6 feet tall so I think I’ll be ok with a tiny heel. I am nervous as all hell but honestly I have to do it. I have to get over the initial scary parts of it and just see what happens. I just need to get more comfortable with dudes. I can’t just keeping thinking they’re all going to hurt me eventually. That’s all I think. But am I wrong for being guarded? I don’t want to immerse myself into some guy and make him my everything when he’s just gonna be looking for something new the entire time. I am just trying to keep myself a step ahead of the situation. I think there is no reason not to try though. I am just gonna do that: try. But not too hard because then you look desperate, right?
Look, let’s be real here ya’ll. I’m meeting this guy from ok cupid. The internet dating bull shit has calmed down by now right? I mean for fucks sake it is a legit TAG on my favorite website for fucks sake. So that’s me being honest on mah blog. I have a date with a dude from the internet. Get the fuck over it. Met one of my best friends from the internet. She kinda rocks my world too. Check her tumblr out. Why is there such a negative connotation to internet dating? I don’t get it. I mean I do because I am still slightly embarrassed that I have an internet dating profile. Like just the other day a friend of my was bitching about POF.com and her friend commented you’re too pretty for internet dating. I know that person isn’t in the minority in thinking that either. If someone says that to me I have an answer lined up already. I would be like, uh, thanks and all but I’m already signed up because people I meet in person haven’t worked out. Boom. Either they play games, they take too FUCKING long to do ANYTHING, they just wanna fuck, they don’t wanna ruin a perfectly good friendship, they like your best friend, they like your sister, they are the complete opposite of who you are as a person(not talking musically here. REAL issues but if you can’t go to a festival or even one concert with me that is a real fucking issue), they’re shallow, they ask you via fb message to screw, they’re too far away, they’re in a relationship already… I think you get my point okay so no i’m not too pretty for internet dating.

I swear I’m not angry guys. Not even bitter. Just keeping it real. I am stronger for these realizations and it is all good.

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2 thoughts on “(she’s) in love with the world and sometimes these feelings can be SO misleading

  1. I completely understand where you are coming from. I was on POF for about a month, got a good amount of messages. Some of them were total and utter creeps trying to cuddle during the day, which made me think they had to be a serial killer lol, and from some pretty decent guys who didn’t give off a bad vibe. 3 of which amounted to actually talking past the website which led to texting/ talking on the phone. And of those 3 I was going to actually go on a date with one. But the problem was that I was on pre-surgery lap band diet which consisted of just Opti-Fast shakes. I haven’t been on a real date but I know that the standard procedure usually consists of some form of eating and/or drinking alcohol and I couldn’t do either. He kept asking when we were going to meet up and I unfortunately kept rescheduling because of two reasons; 1. What if he thought I looked nothing like my pictures or was disappointed by voluptuousness? 2. How do I bring up the fact that I can’t eat or drink anything while on a date without having to tell a complete stranger I was going to have bariatric surgery in less than a week?

    Either way I set up a date to which we could go to the movies, nothing serious, eating and drinking was optional there but the obvious downside was that conversation was almost completely out of the question. But it seemed like the safest choice. The whole week I was bracing myself for D-Day and then the day before he didn’t hit me up to talk about our plans or just talk in general. I took it as a sign that the date wasn’t going to happen and I was actually relieved, I haven’t talked to him since and it has been over a month and soon there after I deleted my POF page. I don’t know what happened, and I’m convinced that it had nothing to do with the way I looked because I made sure to put up pictures which I considered to be not the most flattering ones of myself so guys couldn’t say they were duped lol. But I am almost certain that my insecurity with meeting up with him and rescheduling my date with him about 3 times is was closed the deal. Maybe he though I was playing games or what not.

    But the point I wanted to get to is don’t over analyze everything, just go there with an open mind and hope for the best. I know that internet dating may be seen as some kind of social faux pas but it can’t be all that bad. It certainly wasn’t the reason I got off of POF it’s just the caliber of guys on there weren’t really pleasing me. Anyway, maybe if I had done that I would have had atleast one real dating experience for the books.

    Good luck to you and keep us updated once the date goes through. 🙂

    • ah! thanks for your amazing comments darling. I hope you’re doing well with your surgery. I will def keep you updated. I can’t help but be honest 😦 sometimes it gets me in trouble.

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