I took the stars from my eyes and then I made a map and knew that somehow I could find my way back


I am at war with my body. What’s new a fat girl writing about her war with her body. Let me explain. I took surgical methods a year ago (a year and 11 days ago) to lose over 135 pounds. I was really unhappy and dieting wasn’t working. Right now I’m dealing with parts of my body getting smaller than others and feeling unhappy with the extra skin. I am dealing with the emotional issues you deal with losing that much weight so rapidly. I don’t feel super hot- i still have 80 pounds to go. I feel much BETTER than I ever did in high school. Because of my weight loss I have the ability to do things like this:

yup. that is 978 calories BURNED in 60 minutes.

My 400 pound body would NEVER have had the stamina to do that. NEVER. I am never going to be anything other than fat. Never. You know why? Because of society. Duh.
I’m at war with my changing body. With my acceptance of feeling actually attractive. For my own feelings of attractiveness that is on ME. I cannot stress to women enough that being attractive to YOURSELF is the most important part of being a woman. No amount of dudes chasing you will make you like YOU. It won’t. I have learned that these last couple of weeks. It doesn’t make you feel better. Some times you question them so much to think there MUST be something wrong with them for wanting you. That is a SICK mentality and I am aware of the issue. What sucks is a lot of these men do shitty things. That doesn’t mean it’s ME. It means it’s THEM. I DON’T VALUE MY SELF WORTH ON HOW MANY DUDES LIKE ME. You value you.Sure, I love flirting and attention as much as the next girl but I don’t make it my life goal. Not anymore anyway. I’ve been done dirty a lot. Since the dawn of me being crazy about boys which is like 4 years old.
I’ve been doing some MAJOR soul searching this past year. If you guys are my friend on facebook you guys know i’ve been all super zen today. I have! This article really helped set my tone for the day. I don’t know how to explain myself eloquently… I can just say that I am being. You might say; BUT YOU’RE TRYING TO LOSE WEIGHT This is correct my astute reader. I am trying to lose weight to get healthy and feel better about myself. I am not doing it for anything but that right now. The perks of losing weight is feeling that my health is no longer death star status.
Look, I have spent the better part of today reading almost every article on xojane.com about fat acceptance. Lesley, is my fave writer on there. Oh, so is Emily. Had I started reading their articles about fat acceptance and loving your body over a year ago I STILL WOULD HAVE GOTTEN THE SURGERY. Sure. I was mooed at, Made fun of,Rejected by guys because of my size, AND treated like different shades of shit. Reading those posts would not have stymied to be like: I’m 400 pounds and proud. No, they’re helping me NOW. You know why? Because, like I mentioned before, I will never be skinny. I may not even reach the health acceptable size of 165 pounds for my height of 5’8. I am very real with myself there. The body I was given is big boned. My years of depression led me to over eat and eat and EAT. I dieted and shit just wasn’t real. It wasn’t working. I was NOT ME. I hated who I had BECOME not who I WAS as a person. Who I am. My personality was hiding. I was hiding. I am fairly comfortable in who I am now. I can even approach certain guys I find attractive and sometimes I am not shut down and it feels amazing even if nothing may come of it. I guess what I’m trying to say is(in my usual, long winded, manner) that I have come a long way this year. I still fight with body image issues, I still fight with my confidence, and I still am fighting to get healthy. But I am more at home with myself than I have ever been my whole life. Ever. My personality is shining like a true beacon of who I am and fucks will NOT be given. Yes, it has a direct correlation with the weight loss and people may judge me for that but I wasn’t happy so I am changing myself for the better. As long as I am happy who gives a damn?

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