I woke up full of hate today. Full of this anger that feels very misplaced. I’m impatient. I keep waiting for this magical turnaround when shit starts locking together.
What am I expecting when I have an unorganized mind? I can’t put into words what exactly i’m feeling right now. I am a scattered brained mess waiting for some kind of sign. Maybe my obscene amount of time I spend listening to The Black Keys have got me longing for something that isn’t there.

Little Dragon has made me hoping for Constant Surprises.

and most of all Alex Clare got me swooning in every way and I don’t have anyone to swoon with.

My passionate nature and my emotional soul… is meant to be shared with no one but myself?
Everything has stipulations. Can’t I just find someone totally brand new? I want no expectations and I have none except happiness. I expect to be happy. I know there are tons of shitty times in life but I am always looking for happiness and staying happy. I am no longer the girl who wants to slit her wrists but I am the girl who is fragile. Who can handle me with care when I look solid as a fucking ox? I resent my size. I resent my over grown heart. I feel like I am meant to be much smaller than I am. In height… in weight… I don’t feel like I’m very strong. I feel very weak. It’s moments like these I turn to my friends but I really should turn to myself. Find some kind of light with in me. I am just not sure where I’m going with this. What my next step will be. That’s the best part of life right?
I am certain I am nothing but uncertain.

2 thoughts on “thickfreakness

  1. Kudos for this awesome post, Krystal. I am honest when I say you are NOT alone in feeling this way. I, too, am waiting for answers or a meaning behind everything. I keep waiting for that magical moment when things come together and you go “ah, now THAT is why it happened this way”. I think being young, we all feel this way. Your mind works very similar to mine – you’re a good person looking to share your heart with someone else. But our kindess is mistaken as weakness and people continue to disappoint us. We think constantly, because our minds are not meant to accept anything less than what they desire and that is very good thing! Too many people settle in life.

    You are so much more than you think you are. You ARE strong in so many ways. You’re strong because you continue to give your heart to people, despite the hardships you encounter. You’re strong because you’ve made it this far. As for your size….Krystal, do you have any idea how truly beautiful you are? Not only on the inside, but my God, woman, you’re built so beautifully. You’ve come so far in your weight and you’re only more beautiful as before. You’ve always been a gorgeous woman and STRONG. Do you know why it is hard to find someone? Because guys are so shallow these days and they don’t deserve you. It may be a cliche to say that, but it is a cliche, because it is TRUE. They want someone without an opinion and someone that has no depth. It is sad, but very true. This isn’t to say all men are this way, but at our age, they are.

    I am a hypocrite for telling you not to feel this way, when I myself ask the very same questions as you. But, I guess it is easier to see it in others than yourself.

    You’re loved by many people and I promise someone will be exactly what you need in the right time. Love you!

    • girl the tears! But i do the same thing. I give the best advice and never follow that nonsense even though its not nonsense. But thanks so much for such a thoughtful and sweet comment.

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