we got no money, but we got heart. we’re gonna rattle this ghost town


I am less than two months from turning 25. Why does this warrant a blog entry? Because I am fully lathered in uncertainty of the times. I am a late bloomer. I am blooming NOW. I had a shitty early twenties filled with shitty jobs and shitty social awkwardness. Many tears have been shed at parties because I was the biggest person there and felt wrong. Please understand I don’t have issues with big people I hadd/have an issue with ME being a big person. Being 412 pounds at one point made me the most miserable woman ever. I hated myself with a passion. I struggled to live man. Walking up stairs at 22 shouldn’t have been that hard. Now I’ve reached my all time weight loss low in like 8 years. I’m 283. Still heavy but I’ve lost 129 pounds. In the past 11 months. Pretty shibby, yes? Why don’t I believe it? Why don’t I see it? Why is it that I have to force myself to look at “before” pictures to remind myself of how far I’ve come? My insecurities are much better than what they were but i’d be damned if I said they were so gone. It doesn’t matter the weight it matters how you feel. I still feel like I have a ton of work to do. Now I am stressing about plastic surgery. I’m concerned about the costs and the time off ill have to take. I’m concerned about how much I’ll need. My arms, my stomach and possibly my chest… it’s a lot to take in. I have gotten more comfortable in my own skin but there is skin that shouldn’t be there. I need to hit the damn lotto to pay for these thousands of dollars worth of plastic surgery. Money is, unfortunately, always on my mind. Money has stopped me from going back to school. You’re prob saying to yourself stop going on trips and concerts ya dumb bitty but I need that. I need my trips and concerts. Its fuel for my life. I don’t know if I am meant to be some kind of domestic goddess with kids and a clean house. I don’t feel that way. This is where I gets full circle. I am turning 25. You can’t help feeling like you’re on this sick timeline. I feel like I am sloughing behind while everyone is getting their shit together. I am still trying to figure out if I need to eradicate my size 3x pants(because they SO do not fit at all) from my closet let alone life decisions. I dont know! I feel pressure from everyone. What do I wanna do with my life/ That’s the main question people ask me: what do you want to do. What I really wanna do is wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and smile genuinely. I think I need to have that part figured out first before I go off making career choices. I wanna dabble in everything. Psychology, nursing, teaching, singing, writing, and culinary arts. People think I should have this figured out but how can I? How can you decide right now what you want to do forever? I feel like I am in the wrong place. My mentality is more on pace with the city lifestyle. The go go go mentality. I love seeing people I know often but it does make meeting new people hard to impossible. I wanna see new faces constantly and figure people out. I don’t want to have to worry if what I am doing at this bar or this club is gonna be all over Delaware. I hate that nonsense. I am annoyed that the dating pool has already been picked over by all the buzzards in the land. I’m annoyed that I worry about that shit as if it really matters. My friend Leslie gives the best advice and she has warned me time and again that validation from men don’t mean shit. It should be an affirmation of what I already know. I should know I look good not wait for them to tell me so I can believe it, but I digress. Tangents among tangents, man. People keep telling me “oh you’re young” but I feel like saying you’re telling me this but do you understand the full nature of my predictament ? You all have degress under your belts, fi ances, spouses, and kids while I am having my health catch up. I am very much an emotional teen at this point. I feel like I am redoing puberty. The world is so vast and amazing. I’m not jaded. Not even with all the crap I’ve dealt with people making fun of me and the asshole way guys have treated me. I may come off that way but in reality I care way too much. It probably isn’t healthy to be this sensitive and in tune to. emotions. Its scar y of passionate I can. be about things. Maybe my problem is I am scary. I am scary intense If you go by this entry you’re probably saying this girl clearly is bi polar. I don’t think I am because 80% of the time I am happy as a clam. I want to help myself and then help people like me. I may be a total dreamer but I am a realist as well. Hello, I work a 8 to 5 job I realize dollars make the world go round but I want to be able to be proud and happy with where I work. A lot of settling occurs and I don’t want that. I hate this itchy feeling I have at this age. I receive a lot of mixed up advice. They’re like you’re so young and don’t settle. Then I hear ohmygod what are you doing? You’re not in school? You don’t have a boyfriend? You’re no on your own? Wtf is wrong with you?! I want to scream daily.
Just out of frustration because I want people to understand me. But why should that matter? What matters is me, right? That is the whole point because in the end there’s only you.

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