Oh, can I hold a grudge. I hate that. I hate that about myself. I will forgive but never, ever, forget. Once you’ve crossed me I’ll assume you’ll do it again. Sometimes I’ll allow you back in my life. Other times I will write you off completely. Never to speak of you again. Those instances are a rarity but they happen. I just feel like if you’re going to act that way towards me what is the point of even TRYING to be a friend? You’ll just continue to piss me off and I don’t need that negativity in my life. Call it immaturity. I call it self-preservation. I just cannot deal with it. My anger can be all consuming. Make me feel and think crazy things. I hate that about myself too. I can assume the worst sometimes too. These are some of my biggest downfalls. Some. Not all. I just have been shat on so much by people I thought were friends. Sometimes, out of posterity or a show of true remorse, I’ll allow them back in. things are never the same though. Never. You know why? Because I know how easy it is for them to do that to me the first time.
I am making a list of things I need to work on. So far self-esteem is trumping everything but grudge holding is a close second. Grudge holding and trying to talk out my issues instead of harboring the anger and having it turn into hate. I let hate really take a hold in my heart and it is a disgusting trait.
I’ve been really in rare form as of late. My emotions have been wacky and I’ve been super worried. My mother’s been in the hospital for the past week because of severe abdominal pain. They say it’s her intestines getting tangled in her scar tissue from her four c sections. They’re keeping her there to see if the pain subsides so they can do something else for her. So far no dice. They’re waiting for her to eat something too before the let her out. I hope its soon so she can come home. At least I had her blessing to enjoy the beach with two of my sisters Saturday. It’s funny because in Delaware we say we’re going to the beach but I’m originally from Philly and we’d always say we’re going to the shore. So when I go to Atlantic City at the end of the month I’m really going to the shore but this weekend I went to the beach because I went to Bethany Beach, Delaware. Let’s hope I can work on my goals this week to better myself as a person. The beach helped clarify my mind but I still worry like a crazy person.
Hopefully next post i’ll have my new header all set because my friend Brandi made a bitchin’ one because i am inept!