i’ll make the most of it i’m an extraordinary machine

I am a very lucky woman. While I struggle through this journey for weight loss I really do have people in my life who give a damn. Sure, weight loss is an extremely personal journey. In reality the key to your success is your own motivation. I am so lucky that people continue to root for me and check up on me. I appreciate all the kind words so much. I wish I could stop doubting my success though. I keep saying “really?” when people say I look a lot smaller. I know it’s sincerely stupid since I have photographic evidence I have lost a whole bunch of weight. I think it’s all relative to my view of big and small and that’s really jacked up. I know, clinically/medically, I’m still overweight. But to go from 412 to 288 in less than a year is something to really applaud. Right? I know I say this every time I post my weight but really. What in the heck. I was over four hundred pounds at 23 years old. How did I allow this to happen? I know I went all super proactive and turned it around but I wasted a good couple of years being so unhappy with myself. I wasted some prime years of being completely buck wild. That’s not to say I’m not making up for it now. I even wore a tank top out last weekend! I feel really good physically. I am working out a lot and I keep trying to eat healthier. I eat so little people are kinda freaked out by it. But I don’t want to eat more. I physically can’t. So when I have my freak out moments I try to remember I have good people in my life who know what I’ve gone through and know how far I’ve come I feel better. It doesn’t take away the bitterness of rejection though. That hasn’t stopped even with my weight loss. I literally had a dude tell me recently that “he doesn’t bang with big girls.” Anyone that utters a sentence like that without a hint of irony is of course a waste of time but it still hurt . It’s just another reminder that it’s hard out there. My friends tell me that I’m looking for the dream. I guess I do want awesome relationship and the dude that gets along with my friends. Yeah, I guess I am hoping for a dream. I see it as a reality for a lot of my friends so I think why not me? It’s not like I’m sitting at home waiting for some kind of Greek god to knock on my door. I go out. I have fun. I try and chat it up. A lot of the time its crash and burn or they just want me to come home with them right away. Some people think I have a certain attitude in dating. I would love for them to enlighten in me in what my attitude is. I think I’m pretty open to whatever. Just what I get is hey let’s just bang. When I don’t know your last name I am not coming home with you. Sorry.
I’m trying not to have a piss poor attitude when it comes down to men but the general treatment I receive sucks. It really just down right sucks. It’s really hard out there for a single woman. No matter what size you are you’re probably going to have problems. I’m trying not to assume it’s my size that makes it hard but when you hear comments like the one above more than once it sticks with you. Especially when you’ve lost a lot of weight. You’re just like, really? I thought it’d get easier. The good things in life don’t come easy. Or so they say.
Some of ya’ll haven’t seen the most recent pics so here ya go:

and the left was from july 2011 the right is from may 2012

god i loved fiona apple last night!!


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