A Certain Romance

Can I just say that music festivals are awesome? Can I just say that ones that are on the beach are even more so? This past weekend i ventured to Nashville, New Orleans, and Gulf Shores, Alabama. We were also in Florida for like five minutes when went to Flora-bama the bar on the beach. I am so exhausted though. I flew in late afternoon yesterday and as soon as I got into my house i went up to bed and slept for 14 hours. From Wednesday to this Tuesday I had barely gotten a good sleep and my body went into full hibernation mode. Now that I’ve recovered it’s back to reality. I had to go back to work today to finish out my last three days with my current job. I’m moving on to a different company come Tuesday and I couldn’t be happier. The pay is a bit better and I am confident that I can get to stepping with promotions. It doesn’t hurt that they have an office in Nashville either. I like my options for different states.

While I was on vacation, with the ocean as my backyard, I did a lot of thinking and over thinking. The thinking that I did was that I wish certainty was a concept I could grasp. I wish i could be so sure of anything or any one. Like how can anyone be sure of anything with complete unwavering faith? How? I can’t trust my own emotions how can I trust my heart and thoughts with others? How will i ever be able to trust a man? I have countless examples of failures and mistakes that they have made. I know us women are no saints but when it comes to throwing myself at someone for any kind of possibility? i am through with it. I know that is a sad way to live but until I am certain.. i don’t know what else to do. I am done with expectations so i am expecting nothing. I am already feeling happier with unloading all of that. I do. I feel like maybe certainty will never be a thing i can grasp and maybe i can learn to be okay with that. isn’t surprises more interesting? I can say with all certainty this: i know i am a girl with too much vulnerability. I have gone through so many positive changes and I continue to step in that direction. I thank those who remind me all the time of how i have done so much and I shouldn’t dwell on how much more i need to lose. and appreciate what I have already lost. I have lost a small person. I have lost, in total, 122 pounds. While being viewed as big will probably never change even when I get to goal weight i need to respect that I may not be every one’s cup of tea. It’s just like not every man is mine. I will try to reign in my emotions when possible. these promises i make to my self are , in reality, small goals. Do you know if I didn’t get that surgery I would have never gone on this trip? I didn’t even need a seatbelt extender with the airplane because of all the weight I lost. These small amazing feats are going to fuel my fire more. I am gonig to lose more and continue to let my light shine. I want to empower more people to get healthier. Any way they can.
As I fix what issues I have with my body I will work on my state of mind so I can stop having so much uncertainty of who I am as a woman. So I can feel beautiful and not question any one that tells me so because I’ll know they’re just stating a fact. Wouldn’t that be something?


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