Lost in my own skin


We have dreams. We have em and rarely act of them. I… I know that I can be a big dreamer. Sometimes my body can be doing one thing but my mind is envisioning a whole different thing. The what ifs can eat at you so i just keep moving forward. I am trying to be good on my word. My promises. This is why I hardly make promises because I intend on keeping them. I am all for the maybe’s and the we’ll sees. People just love that about me. My flakiness. I’m just trying to stop being a liar. I don’t mean to be but things come up and I just ride with the tide a lot. It’s a messy thing. I think this may be why I like working two jobs. I like having my time already occupied so I don’t have to make too many commitments. This is essentially bull shit .I really wish I was rolling on fat stacks and having nothing but the time in the world to enjoy the world.
I am on this strange tangent because I am still working hard on goals. I say this hit every time I post something. I reached my lowest weight last week in about 7 years. 296. That’s 106 pounds lost in the last 8 months. It also marks the first time I have been under 300 pounds in forever and a day. I’d be perfectly happy just losing another 96 pounds. I’m 5’8 and 200 pounds doesn’t look bad on me. Know how I know this? I was 200 pounds when I was 16. I look at the pictures from then I just want to laugh. I worried about the number instead of how I looked. Dwelling in the fact that I was 200 pounds made me depressed and have zero confidence in myself. It’s pretty crazy to think in 7years I gained 200 pounds. I was 23 when I decided to have the surgery and I was weighing in at 412 pounds this time last year. Surgery date was August 31st of 2011 and on that date I weighed 402. Just in case you guys don’t remember me talking about all those numbers before. It gets confusing. I go by the 402 to mark my weight loss because that’s the official weight my doctor took pre op. What makes me feel good is people say I don’t look the weight I am right now. I just wanna scream hell yes I do. But I, again, blame my height for having decent proportions. That and the fact I work out a lot. I need to work out MORE and get more protein in. I do lack major in that department. i need to just start substituing one meal or maybe two for a protein shake or smoothie. I say this but do I do it?

I can’t really talk about all the exciting things tha are happening because it’s not official yet but when it is that is a whole different ball game. I’m just making moves. I’ll say that! I think the steps i’m making are really going in favor with my goals. I can certainly talk bout the fact that I leave next Wendnesday for Nashville and then in the wee hours of the night we are driving to Gulfy Shores, Alabama for the hang out festival. I can also talk about the trip to Italy i’m taking next year which I can’t wait for! So things are good right now with me. Just me. That’s all I ahve to worry about and I enjoy that. Even thoguh I am fantastic about caring about others and would love to care for someone else but if it’s not in the cards right now I’m not going to dwell on it and just enjoy the hell out of my freedom.

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