I desire nothing more than to be a strong woman. A pillar of strength. that’s really what I want. to be totally self actualized that little things don’t send my head in a tizzy. to think that certain things don’t matter because in the bigger picture it doesn’t. Doesn’t matter one bit. I know as humans we are allowed to have these super freak outs. internal struggles. shit that sends you in a tizzy. I hate that it happens to me. I hate it. I don’t want them to happen. can it just NEVER happen?! I hate that my insecurities rise to the surface and scare me to the point of being ridiculous. I feel ridiculous. because I feel like I look ridiculous. it’s horrific to not be comfortable in your own skin. Horrific. Fuck SAW; try living that way. To be an adult with the mentality of a fucked up 17 year old girl. There are moments when I just feel AWESOME. So awesome and no one can touch me. I’m getting healthier. I feel like I look better than I have in like 8 years. But then something will trigger the years of anguish and insecurities and I just shut down. I think of horrible scenarios. Shit that isn’t even HAPPENING. It’s not. But in my lunatic, self obsessed mind,it is. Well, I’m admitting my lunacy so does that make me lucid?