Okay is this normal:
I totally BAWLED after my zumba today. I got in the shower and I started crying! Like, HE HE HE HE hitch sobs. I had to grip the wall from the sobbing. I don’t know what came over me. The sight of my body? It does upset me sometimes. Especially, after I went hard at a work out and i’m just like can you even TELL? Do they all laugh at me? I feel ugly today. That must be it. I hate getting this way because I try to be miss positivity. I just worry that people are laughing at me! Like oh yeah you really lost weight… NOT! I mean people are assuring me every day i’m looking great that you can totally tell… but I am still large. I am only half way there. Why can’t I pick myself up and be proud of all that I accomplished? 93 pounds is nothing to scoff at! Then I get mad at myself for getting to the point where I HAD to lose 93 pounds. I get like: why couldn’t I stop eating?
It’s a disorder man. It is. I saw myself going further down the rabbit hole but I kept going. I know whats done is done but I can’t help but get mad at myself. I have a real chance to start over and get my life together.
I have given myself a fighting chance but I feel like I lost so much time! I’m trying to cram a lot into this year because i’m truly on the pursuit of happiness. I’m going to Tennessee in March and the Hangout in May. I plan on going to the beach every weekend, seeing tons of live music, and learn to love myself wholly and truly.
I don’t like being a wreck. I don’t like being entirely put together either. See my haircut for proof (one that I touched up myself by hacking shit off)
thats one of my true homies Toya with me. The picture doesn’t do the kookiness justice. Plus its red, black, and kinda pink.
I don’t know what’s with me. I know my body is going through many changes quickly I just worry for my mind. My over sensitive, sometimes senseless, mind.
I need to have patience and strength.