I fought the war but the war won

Okay is this normal:
I totally BAWLED after my zumba today. I got in the shower and I started crying! Like, HE HE HE HE hitch sobs. I had to grip the wall from the sobbing. I don’t know what came over me. The sight of my body? It does upset me sometimes. Especially, after I went hard at a work out and i’m just like can you even TELL? Do they all laugh at me? I feel ugly today. That must be it. I hate getting this way because I try to be miss positivity. I just worry that people are laughing at me! Like oh yeah you really lost weight… NOT! I mean people are assuring me every day i’m looking great that you can totally tell… but I am still large. I am only half way there. Why can’t I pick myself up and be proud of all that I accomplished? 93 pounds is nothing to scoff at! Then I get mad at myself for getting to the point where I HAD to lose 93 pounds. I get like: why couldn’t I stop eating?
It’s a disorder man. It is. I saw myself going further down the rabbit hole but I kept going. I know whats done is done but I can’t help but get mad at myself. I have a real chance to start over and get my life together.
I have given myself a fighting chance but I feel like I lost so much time! I’m trying to cram a lot into this year because i’m truly on the pursuit of happiness. I’m going to Tennessee in March and the Hangout in May. I plan on going to the beach every weekend, seeing tons of live music, and learn to love myself wholly and truly.
I don’t like being a wreck. I don’t like being entirely put together either. See my haircut for proof (one that I touched up myself by hacking shit off)
thats one of my true homies Toya with me. The picture doesn’t do the kookiness justice. Plus its red, black, and kinda pink.
I don’t know what’s with me. I know my body is going through many changes quickly I just worry for my mind. My over sensitive, sometimes senseless, mind.
I need to have patience and strength.


5 thoughts on “I fought the war but the war won

  1. Aww! *hugs* I promise that no one is laughing at you in workout class, they’re too worried about how they look themselves. If people aren’t totally into the workout, they’re either looking at themselves or looking around to make sure no one is looking at them. You’re just having one of those days, and it’s okay!

  2. I don’t care what you think, I think you’re a beautiful girl. For the most part, I think that it doesn’t help when you feel insecure about your weight. You ever have someone you haven’t seen in years say, “You’ve gotten so tall!” but then when you look in the mirror yourself you never QUITE see what they’re talking about? Even if it’s been like 5 years? As people, we don’t often see changes in ourselves because we look at ourselves every single day. But someone who doesn’t see us too often notice changes we just may not notice. It’s harder to notice changes when you want something so badly too. My advice would be to keeping going strong. Change is not going to happen overnight, it’s something gradual and it’s harder to attain if we’re insecure about things. I know it’s easier said than done but it’s a lot easier to keep pushing because when you just keep going, our desired change always seem to come when we least expect it. Look forward, into the future, don’t harp on the past and don’t dwell on the present. It’s much easier to strive for something you can see in yourself in the future.

  3. Krystal you look absolutely stunning in the picture above. I know that it is hard, but your doing the right thing. Keep going girl. Don’t care what others say, just be true to yourself!

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