Waiting here in line, hoping that I’ll find what I’ve been chasing.

I had a moment of self pity the other day. Forgive me. I am human. More human than I want to be sometimes. I swear sometimes I get so involved in an idea I don’t think about what could really transpire if it happened. I have to just keep going and not wallow in self pity. The whole “it’s never going to happen for me” is really regressive and NOT what I’m trying to accomplish as i’m heading into a brand new year. Look at what I have already accomplished! I know I have a lot more to lose but as I’m starting to feel better about what I look like I just have to stop worrying about what everyone else thinks of me and just get right with myself.
Why is that so hard for me sometimes? I really have to grow up. I just wish I could stop crushing on anyone until I’m at goal weight or something. Maybe then it’d be easier for me to get turned down. No, that’s wrong. It’ll be harder because in my minds eye i’m just going to be like wow I lost all this weight and I’m still getting turned down by everyone? That’s why I need to rally myself today and for the rest of my life. It isn’t always about weight. That is my hang up. I’m obsessed with the fact that i’m fat. Because that is my main insecurity I am just assuming the worst -I’m being vain. Maybe it’s not always about me. . It’s not going to go away overnight so I really need to start working with myself now to get it together. Focus on the positives and not dwell on the negatives. Sure, I’ve been treated badly in the past. Sure, I have been called awful things by guys I cared about, but that’s the past and this is now.

“Life’s too short for so much sorrow.”

(I am going to really miss American Horror Story.) There really is so much out there and Delaware is sickly small. Everyone knows everyone and maybe I just need to eventually meet someone brand new who doesn’t know a thing about my bull shit.
God, I love writing this out. It is so therapeutic. It’s really hard for me to voice what’s wrong with me. I have great friends but they’re involved with their own things and I don’t like to be a bother. Not that they’ll ever say i’m a bother because they’re awesome like that. The other thing is this struggle is very internal. No one can snap me out of this except for myself. People can spit out compliments about how fantastic I look but I have to feel it and see it for myself. Some days I do. I have my hang ups about my stomach (because I’m losing weight everywhere BUT my damn stomach) but I am starting to see my collar bones. I haven’t seen my collarbones since like my sophomore year in high school. If I keep focusing on these little things maybe I won’t be so hard on myself . Sucky thing about this week I’m working a lot so I don’t have time to train and exercise. I walked to work yesterday, that was a brisk 20 minute walk, I did Zumba on Monday, and Tuesday I tried to dance out my frustrations ala Footloose. (No, it wasn’t that cheesy. More like some serious jumping and random salsa moves. Very uncoordinated. It was fantastic. Today I work til five at my first job and then 6 to 11 at the mall. It’s going to be a long exhausting day. Maybe if I keep jiggling my legs as I ring up people I’ll burn more calories. TOmorrow I work until five but I HAVE too finish my christmas shopping. Saturday I work 8 am until 3 pm and I’m probably going to be too exhausted to do anything else., let alone finish my Christmas shopping. But since i’ll be at the mall already i will probably still shop. It is my shopaholics weakness. I love to buy even if its for others. Actually, especially others. Plus I’m dying to try out the product Fat Girl Slim that is supposedly a miracle worker. The reviews online at sephora.com are pretty positive so I want to try it. The cream is supposed to help tighten and get rid of cellulite. I’ll keep you posted!


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