I rushed right in just like a fool

I am not a sensible person sometimes. I’ll say it. My heads in the clouds 98% of the time. I’m always hoping. I’m always dreaming. I am not the leading lady of my own life. Not yet. Maybe i’m going through all these zany adventures called solitude so I gain more perspective of “together” when it comes. I think I’m just stupid sometimes.
I have lost 82 pounds. I have worked very hard. Very, very hard to get to this point. I’m only 40% there. I got 60% to go. I am going to work even harder and propel myself with the picture of health i’m supposed to be at 24. I just want to feel beautiful. I should not allow the words/actions of others make me feel less beautiful but you can’t help a girl for nursing a bruised ego.
I’m being vague. On purpose of course. I have had my hopes dashed so many times its a wonder I can scrape any hopes at all. Should I hope anymore? I am self sufficient in the sense that I have no problem going to the movies by myself. I know I’m very good alone. I should just stick to myself. I really should. I called it at thirteen that i’d end up a spinster.Maybe i’m pretty good at predicting the future.
I’m being pessimistic and that is NOT who the fuck I am. It’s okay to be hurt once. I know this. It’s healthy. I just don’t get why it happens to me EVERY FUCKING TIME. This is not an overstatement. It is literally every time. You would think a 24 year old would wise the hell up and NOT give a fuck anymore. Well, apparently I have an over abundance of fucks to give. I will just get over this. You know how I will? Because I have done it a million times. I am not a child or teenager anymore even though I feel like a wee little 13 year old who just got turned down for the dinner dance. But maybe, just maybe, I will just start to wise up and NOT trust or hope so hard. Just be stoic and just be happy with a fucking movie on my own instead.


2 thoughts on “I rushed right in just like a fool

  1. Well this post pulled me outta lurker status.
    I just wanted to say love/dating sucks, (if thats what you are speaking of). Men suck and can be D bags. I was the queen of bitterness after dealing w/ awful dates.
    Until I met him. Then your opinion will change. It will. You are 24, dont resign yourself to spinster-hood yet. lol 🙂

    • Aw welcome! It was definitely what I was speaking of. I try not to be bitter but i’m always in the friend zone. I feel foolish. I hope I meet him sooner rather than later. I’m sick of being lonely. 😦 but thanks for commenting!

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