for that daughter she’s a star tonight. Without warning she gave up the ghost inside


So. This may come off mad strong but I’m trying to really reach out here and make myself feel better.
WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING THINKING I WAS FAT WHEN I WAS 13? LIKE REALLY? REALLY?!
Exhibit A:

So I was 13 all gussied up for our 8th grade formal. I was all a twitter over stupid boys worried about making an impression.
Exhibit B:

I was obsessed with o-town. It was straight up ridiculous.
So at that early age I was already obsesssed with weight. I was on slim fast at the time of one of those photos. I wasn’t more than 170 pounds at 5’7. I let the words of others depress me and ruin my self confidence. It’s pure fuckdom. I let myself get to the point where I had to get bariatric surgery. Now I’m struggling to get under 200 pounds. I just wish I knew then what I know now and to just ENJOY being a child. I guarantee you if I wasn’t crazy dieting all the time, at such a young age, I wouldn’t be where I am now.
But I can’t dwell in the past. I have to use it as a motivator. I et sad sometimes. I do. I look back at my wasted youth and I wonder where am I going? Where will I be in a year? Will I ever be wanted? Considered truly attractive/desirable? Those questions are on my bad nights. I have to talk to my loves crying to wake me up so I don’t become so depressed. I’m trying to keep my head up.
I really need to get on a scale soon so I can put a number to what I’ve lost. I think if I see it numerically i won’t be so hard on myself. Or is that all back to the same vicious cycle?

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