Sometimes I am filled with such self doubt. I don’t mean to be. But I am. I get the moments where I hate the sound of my own voice. Deep alto that’s mixed some kind of nasally grossness. I feel like talking in my “phone” voice the majority of the time so new people won’t hear my REAL voice. My alter ego at work I guess. It’s frustrating. Me and my sister both sound the same in this respect. The tone, i’m sure, I can’t update. The nasally sound? I’m going to my doctor December 30 for my physical and I’m gonig to bring it up. I want to get tested for allergies because I know there’s something wrong. I shouldn’t sound congested even when I’m not.
I hate the moments of self doubt because you can really only can count on yourself when times get really rough. I hate when I get like that.I get to the point where I’m just like are they making fun of me? Are they saying you look good, you sing well, you’ve lost a lot of weight because they pity me? It’s horrible to feel that way and I try very hard to NOT be that way. I don’t want to be my own worst enemy. I preach to everyone to believe in themselves. I always say if you don’t like something change it. Don’t wallow. I am trying to hard to be that woman and as I get older those insecure days are getting few and far between. I want them off my calender completely. I shouldn’t feel like my own friends are just being nice! I need to remind myself that i’m frickin’ awesome. I should NOT gage myself on gentlemen callers . (heh that always makes me LOL). I should gage myself on how I feel. How I’m doing. It’s getting easier, like I said. I look at what’s happened to me lately (losing my phone aside) and a lot of good has come about. I have gotten healthier, I have started to become more responsible with my bills, and i’ve procured this second job on my own. Sephora isn’t easy to get into either so I should definitely be proud. Only I and another girl were hired in a set of group interviews they did. I am fortunate. I need to stop doubting myself. I am not at goal weight yet at all but I am at a great start. I should believe people when they compliment me. I should have faith in myself. So this entry is my own kick in the ass to stop OWRRYING about other people and focus on how I feel. The rest of it will fall into place. Meeting someone will come into place. I gotta keep the faith.