&&now my heart stumbles on things i don’t know. This weakness I feel I must finally show.

It is so easy for me to feel vulnerable. It is way too easy. I feel so much for way too many. I feel bad for those who are good people and bad things happen to them. I also am afraid of feeling vulnerable. It’ is so easy for me to feel that way that I try to keep a lot with in me. I feel afraid of giving my heart away to anyone so I never tell anyone how I feel. I am a chicken shit. I think I really need to speak to someone about my fear of rejection and being dejected. It’s not like people make me feel that way. Not anyone I’ve run into recently anyway. Everyone is really happy for me an d my accomplishments. But to lose weight and keep losing weight is only half the battle. I have to feel right within. Speaking to friends about this is helpful, yes, but I think it’s easier for me to speak to an outsider. One that doesn’t know everything about me and hears everything straight from my mouth and not WORD of mouth. I need help reaching my goals. I want to do so many things while I am still not attached to any where. I have no children to worry about it’s just me. I don’t want insecurities or vulnerability to hold me back. I also don’t want to fall on to old habits when I feel these negative emotions. Especially the bad habit OF OVER EATING. I WISH I had that eating disorder controlled before. I may have had the surgery but I am perfectly capable of going back to that indulging lifestyle. and all my hard work would be for naught. So to be proactive I am going to find a therapist. Reading Portia De Rossi’s book really helped me see that I need to get help before I lose it (again). I wish people recognized the eating disorder that is overeating/binge eating more than a joke. Because I was really overeating because I am mentally sick. Or was mentally sick. Not sure which way to put it other than I am a hell of a lot happier now than I was a year ago. I made the right life style choice and I am going to keep making the right choices so I don’t go back to what I was. I have my goals and I am super focused because I have a lot to gain by losing a lot. This is why I’m changing the tag line of my blog. It’s not going to be psh i’m a head of their game because its not about making a statement that I am a faat woman so people you don’t have to make fun of me I already know. It’s abotu self awareness and getting to my goals. This is what this blog is REALLY about now. It’s about self persevation. It’s about fighting for my life and being a better me. No one will hold me back otherwise I will cut them out of my life. So this is my new tagline:
She’s got a lot to gain and a lot to lose.


4 thoughts on “&&now my heart stumbles on things i don’t know. This weakness I feel I must finally show.

  1. I just surfed in here from Jenn’s site. I have read your blog on occasion but never commented so I hope you don’t mind me saying this. You were freaking gorgeous in that flapper costume. I can’t imagine how you are gonna look when you are feeling healthy from the weight loss. I can relate to all of this, and I think you are right on finding a professional to talk to. I wish I had done that years ago because I have a lot of these same feelings. I’m looking forward to watching your transformation!

  2. I hope that you find a way to overcome all of this. Writing it all down often helps. I find that when I blog about my innermost struggles it always helps me, as well. Sometimes I even find people going through many similar struggles and it can also help. The blogging world can be great that way.

    I like your tagline. Always remember that you are doing this for yourself and that you can do this. ❤

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s