you got it, you got it, some kind of magic hypnotic, hypnotic, you’re leaving me breathless I hate this, I hate this, you’re not the one I believe in

I’m not 14 anymore. I am 24. Twenty mother effing four.
It’s so weird. I am not old, but I am not a child.
I get so mad at myself sometimes that I wasted a good part of my youth with poor life style choices. I must say that I have a lot good going for me, now, but I get so scared that if I work so hard toward my goal no one will take notice. That they’ll still see me as fat. ‘They’ as in men. As you all know I have been single all of my life. I have never dated anyone. It’s getting so difficult as I get older. The places you go out to like bars and shit… would you want to even attempt to give one of those guys your number?
As for mutual friends what if you act interested and they’re all hell to the nah and you have to run into the dude again? I know such is life but I struggle with even the smallest interaction in a single guy i’m interested in. All that runs through my mind is the no that I will most likely hear. I have heard so many nos. Whether they’ve said it to me directly or to a mutual friend.
Now, I KNOW I need to keep my attitude positive because who wants to date some one who is a mother fucking rain cloud? I am not THIS way in person. Far from it. But this is my blog, my diary, and I have to say I feel so damn awkward! I am learning more about myself everyday and I am starting to think I am a fun, awesome, FUNNY individual. Why wouldn’t people want me? I know these things yet, when it comes right down to it, and HE’S in my face I am just like. Nope. Don’t go there. Shit will get too real and too screwed up. I preach positivity yet I get so caught up in my emotions and the past. Guys were cruel as HELL in high school. SO cruel. Half the time now they’re just trying to play. Sometimes I wish that I wasn’t made to be so PASSIONATE. SO romantic. I know life’s no fairy tale but where did those stories come from?
I forgot to add this poem I wrote:
Be still my fluttering heart
Quiet the frayed nerves
shooting off electrical jolts to my limbs
not winning any one over with my sweet smile
Shut me down once more
Place me in a dusty corner
someone reach out their hand
show this shelved doll some attention
Hope for the hopeless
Lost and alone
Charming without the dazzle
Dazzling with out the charm
let’s ‘figure’ out what’s missing
Insipid ones do it best
with one simpering glance they get their chance
We don’t want to be bitter but rather be sweet
Let’s work on being that savory treat


4 thoughts on “you got it, you got it, some kind of magic hypnotic, hypnotic, you’re leaving me breathless I hate this, I hate this, you’re not the one I believe in

  1. ”I’m a spazz who needs to enjoy life a lil more. I wanna be a singer superstar, A novelist extraordinare, && A skinny bitch- I keed. I do not want to be skinny. I used to be I want to be HEALTHY. . But I’m not. I am a certfied fat chick. A fatty. The girl made fun of in movies. I am with terms with my condition.”

    That’s your problem right there. You have NO self-confidence whatsoever. I think you need to find some one way or another whether guys want you or not.

    • I have some self confidence otherwise I would have just screwed the first guy who has stepped for some kind of a validation. I have more self confidence than people think. That profile you quoted is from when I opened my blog in the later part of 09 or beginning of 2010. I have changed a lot from then and have learned a lot from then. Do I still think I’m fat? Yes. I weigh over 300 pounds. But I do agree with you that I need to get my self confidence up. It just sucks so bad when you have been torn to bits like I have. For the last part of your comment I don’t understand. Are the words transposed?

      • We’ve all been torn to bits one way or another in the past. I’m recently learning not to let it affect who I am in the present cos it will screw your present up to. I meant you need to be happy in yourself and if that means losing weight, then so be it.

      • I agree. I know we should always learn from our past and mistakes but I do allow it to drive me nutty and thats no good. Yeah, you’re absolutely right. I have my days… yesterday was a bad one.

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