* warning this post is full of senseless thoughts and frustrations. It may not make sense but typing them out is terribly therapeutic*
I am far too human. I am far too fallible. I am so emotional and passionate people fear me. Fear my heart would implode in their faces and they wouldn’t know how to stitch me back together. I can’t talk to anyone about my maddening thoughts of distrust and DISGUST. Against individuals taking what I would cherish for granted. It’s frustrating being me. A woman capable of so much yet feeling like the will and ways don’t match up.
I just wish there was a meet cute kinda thing. I wish my life was more like the movies.
I had a friend who told me that men aren’t like guys on t.v. I don’t know if I wrote about how much that pissed me off before or not but I’m writing it now. DO my friends find me that fucking stupid? Do they find me that irrational to believe there are perfect, great looking men, out there going to sweep me off my feet by coming to my house with roses just to make out with me in the rain? I’m not holding out for that but I am holding out for more than just a hot mess. In my opinion if a guy makes me cry more than 3 times for anything other than I’m emotional pmsing bitch there’s a problem. And I mean because he hit me, threw something at me, belittled me, anything of that nature. Feel me? I realize everyone is flawed. I think the comment made me think that people think I am living in LALA land in what a relationship should be. I don’t think that’s the case in any sense. I try and give my whole heart. I dive in the deep end sometimes without thinking that its so fucking DEEP. I am sensible yet senseless. I know enough about myself to not settle for the bull shit of bull shits no matter how cute their packaging may be.
I get so angry. I get so irrationally pissed off at sad because I feel like screaming I AM AWESOME. I truly believe I am one fun broad to be around. Not trying to sell myself in any manner. I’m not this cocky girl walking around with my nose in the air saying I’m hot shit fall back son
Maybe I’m not articulating what is on my mind properly. Some times I wish I could escape to another time. A time where my mind was more right and everyone else could appreciate me for what I’m worth. For a guy to appreciate my worth. A guy with some fucking GOALS for heavens sake
I’m tired of writing about love scenes I’ve never witnessed first hand. For example:
As soon as Mason stepped off the stage the skanks hounded him. He smiled in his charming way but he made his way over to me.
“What do you think?” He asked. I looked into his green eyes. Loving the way his laugh smiles showed. Impulsively I put my arms around his neck and kissed him. There was no noise. I didn’t hear the crowd or the house music. The best part about the quiet was that I could appreciate his strong arms around my waist. I could appreciate the way his large hands were on the small of my back dangerously close to my ass. I was also able to appreciate the fullness of the kiss. The way his lips parted and captured my top lip. I have never been kissed this way. It sobered me a little but not enough to make me stop kissing a man I hardly knew in public in this way. I opened my eyes just a bit mid kiss to see his eyes open as well. His eyes bore into mine. My fingers lingered in his hair and he drew back. Out of breath he brought his forehead to mine.
“Keep kissing me like that and I won’t be able to get back on stage,” Mason said.
” I’m sorry,” I said sheepishly. He made a small frustrated noise and kissed my forehead. His arms not leaving me.
“Nothing to be sorry for, doll. I gotta get a drink of water. Are you staying until the end?”
“Yeah, I will,” I said. With that he let go of me and the background noise came back with a whoosh.
My mind won’t stfu tonight. So I write. This doesn’t mean that I think any of that happens to people. It is fiction. But to be kissed like that I believe to be possible and If people say no? Then they’re probably not doing it right and that’s a shame. Why can’t I have hope that love would find me in a way that takes my breath away? The songs people write have to come from somewhere. I know I have felt so strongly in ways that lyrics fell from my tongue over the most senseless people. I wasted my breath many times. But the feelings were there. Just prematurely. I want to be more mature but people fail me and I don’t hold them accountable enough. I forgive easily secretly keeping grudges in my heart of hearts.
I am tired of being so fallible. I am tired of people thinking I am sad or gullible. I am tired of having a friend who doesn’t believe I have more friggin sense.