i screamed aloud, as it tore through them and now it’s left me blind

Ever since the surgery (and my time off) I have had a hard time going to bed at a reasonable time. I think a lot of that has to do with the fact I’m a bit of a night owl. I like to stay up late. It’s the most peaceful time in my crowded house.
Right now I am in such a mood. I am not able to define it. I go back to work on Monday. I don’t LOATHE/Hate my job. It’s really not that bad. It’s just emotionally draining. I work for medicaid customer service for the city of Detroit. The city is a bit… coarse when it comes to speaking to the customer service reps who are trying to help them. It’s customer service. Shit’s not easy. I like helping people and there are times I get these awesome people, but it is a rarity. St Louis and Nebraska was a helluva lot easier. I really like the company I work for. It seems like its a secure job. I am a very emotional person. Very sensitive. I care a lot. There are times when I break down after being cursed up and down because this wasn’t authorized. I feel for these people. I really do. I have gotten better at figuring out its not ME they’re angry at. That’s what I need to drill in my head.
I just don’t want to feel stuck. I work 8:30 to 5. I really want to look into online classes or night school so I can get more education under my belt. I didn’t go to a University or anything like a lot of people I went to high school with. I worked 2 jobs out of high school for about three years and then I started schooling for medical assisting. I did that in the evenings and I worked three part time jobs while doing it and one of those jobs was an overnight job at a hotel.
I’m trying to make sense of myself. I am going to be 24 on Monday. On paper, there isn’t much to me. I don’t own a car and my credits pretty much garbage. I live with my family and help them out by paying rent. This has been a huge year for me. I have started to actually lose weight by getting the gastric sleeve. I am getting healthier. Now that I am getting that further in control I want to start looking at other ways to better myself. I am not near goal weight by any means but I just wanna keep getting better. Being single and living at home I have a lot of opportunity to do this. Once I get off the disability paychecks from when I was out I am going to put away at least 300 dollars a check. I plan on working on my debts to get them bitches off my record. Once I have a good amount of money saved my madre said she’d co sign for me to get a car. I just want a kia nothing fancy by any means. Something I can make payments on to help my credit. That’s the plan anyway. I am not old but I am old enough to really get my shit together. I have a great set of parents that are a great support system. Now that I am not going to be spending money on junk food or alcohol I can definitely save. I am not one for plans but this is one I have to follow. I’ve grown up in different ways even though I don’t live on my own or anything like that. I’m really blessed to get this second chance of living.
Gosh, I’ll tell you my 14 year old self though I’d be married by now. I haven’t even had a real relationship. I think I thought that since my parents were married at 21/22. I am very glad I didn’t just marry some guy out of high school. Not knocking it if that’s your story but for me personally that would not have worked. I have grown so much in that past 6 months. I am hardly the same girl i was my senior year of high school. Everything happens for a reason. Now that I am working on getting my weight under control I am starting to appreciate that hey I might be attractive. I was even checked out today. Like literally, dude stared at my face and did a double take as I walked away. He wasn’t even doing that oh that’s a huge bitch look. He liked what he saw. It felt good and so weird. I am not used to that. I am still big but I think the fact that I am starting to feel better about myself it’s exuding a confidence that I didn’t show before. It’s so bizarre. A good bizarre. I can’t wait for more time to pass and I get even more confident that I may even go on a few dates or something. One step at a time though. That’s all one can ask for, huh?


3 thoughts on “i screamed aloud, as it tore through them and now it’s left me blind

  1. I hear you on the sleeping pattern thing. In this last week, being out of work, I’ve royally fucked up my sleeping schedule. I can’t seem to go to sleep, or wake up at a reasonable time. Like today, I woke up at 4:50pm… almost 5pm, which is disgraceful. But, then again, I didn’t even fall asleep until 6:30am. Bah humbug.

    Who knows, maybe we’ll be working together soon?

    If you want a Honda (think you said that you wanted an Accord?), just give my Dad the specs, and he can find you a car. My Uncle does Kia, so you could ask either, or. 😛

  2. I am still big but I think the fact that I am starting to feel better about myself it’s exuding a confidence that I didn’t show before.

    That is exactly what it is. I believe that confidence shows no matter what it is that you believe makes you unattractive. Men LOVE a woman with confidence. I have a friend who currently battles with her weight also, but her confidence and personality are both dazzling. Men love her because of that.

    It’s good to make plans to better yourself. Changes are never too late or early, it’s about how you go about them.

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