Breath out so I can breath you in


The title of this post is a quote by the foo fighters. I don’t have a title for the poem which is essentially a one woman conversation with herself. Or maybe it’s a love letter to all I know. It’s chaotic and nonsensical like my mind.

I didn’t let you stay. You didn’t prove your worth. Too afraid of what could be. What would be. You didn’t fight. The world was going too quickly and I was left behind.

Do I have a fighting chance?

I look at the past and wish that you TRIED. The attempt wasn’t there. The labor was too hard for a girl like me to slave. A girl with a song always playing on her lips. Romance in her heart when its been staked time and time again.

Someone has got to prove their worth.

Where is the other half to my insanity? The one who excites and enticeswithout making me ill? They’re all defeated while I’m finally making my way out of the rubble.

My compositions are always a question. A letter to the one I REALLY want but he doesn’t see. I am deluded. I am senseless.

The real question is whether I’m ready.

Life is blooming and I keep an eye out. They don’t think I do.
My mind is incandescent. Burning bright with rage.
“Calm down.”
I am too much for my own good. A girl who suffered from indulgence. Pain disguised itself with pleasure.
I brush myself off and search for someone as brand new as me.
You’re all so used.
Don’t judge me as misguided. I have a higher hope for love.
The simple pleasure of helping one another in a way that doesn’t ask for something back.
I turn you all away.

What’s your worth if you deem me worthy?

Brainwashed or tainted by what I have seen.
I sit at the movies with my popcorn watching you all cheat, abuse, and linger in the shadows. The word you all utter in synchronized fashion is: regret.

What are we afraid of?

Lets walk along the road and see if we like our own company. Speak the words in the most disjointed fashion so we alone can get it.
Smirk because they’ll never get it.

What see I have done what?

Despite my musings and the way you all decipher my played out emotions; I know what I want.
I know it to a TEE that this may be my down fall.

“You should settle.”

Never.

Falling away from the illusion I say hello to miss Suzie homemaker and smile.
I whisper; “Some day.”

My fingers skit across the water to make my waves come alive
my insides squirm and make me feel ill.
Disgusted with my behavior or lack there of. The socialite of her own mind.

Let me grab my old prom dress and dance alone in the middle of the highway. Let the cars pass me and laugh at its hot pink fashion. I am always too loud.

Let’s divulge deeper, shall we?

The words that spark fear for most: alone, death, and regret.
It makes the air reek and its pungent flavor makes this girl, who’s alone, and filled with regret scared to death

Why didn’t you fight if you cared so much?

Your lack of trying made me know this is why I am the way I am.
Arrogance is what I have in my own way.
Maybe the fact that no one has ever tried has saved me from so much heart ache.
Silly me, I invented my own. My heart’s full of holes from the daggers of the ‘nos’ and could ‘nevers.’

It’s useless to live in the past but it IS useful to learn
Every day I come to know a part of myself that most people are afraid to become acquainted with.

Say the words aloud.
Whisper them; just make it audible.

It’s okay to fight.
It’s okay to try.

I keep moving so the rage doesn’t consume me in flames.
I smile because I know it’ll be okay.
Slowly finding serenity in the patience I am desperately trying to find.

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