reasons like seasons they constantly change and the seasons of last year like reasons have floated away

Let me be completely honest. I am on an emotional roller coaster. I am at my week mark for my surgery and I am looking at blogs and sites where people got the same procedure as me. I was very upset to see that this one woman only went from a size 26 to a 22 in a year. I hope to be at like a 16 in a year! Granted, this woman was in her forties when she had her procedure and did not exercise. (She said it on her blog I didn’t assume.) I am 23 and I have already started exercising. I don’t plan on stopping. Granted dancing out to Gaga is not like formal ass exercise but it is definitely movement at one week post op. I think I am just petrified of failing. I feel like I have pressure to succeed and lose 200 pounds in like 6 months. I don’t want to be setting myself up for failure and I think I just need to stay positive. I refuse to fail. Being fat has been my downfall for so long. It has ruined my self esteem, love life, social life, and love for fashion. I know getting the gastric sleeve was the right choice. I do. I had a long discussion with my surgeon, plus he said if needed he can turn the sleeve into the bypass! Here is a good site that shows the comparision of the two surgeries, bypass and sleeve, side by side. Bypass only has a wee bit more of percentage of weight loss. I gotta keep my head up but sometimes I just freak out. Maybe being home and not being able to call any one does that. I sure as hell don’t want to talk to people from Detroit right now (my job) but I wish I was strong enough to go to the mall or something. I went to Borders the bookstore yesterday since it’s their last week. I bought 70 bucks worth of books and cds. I bought presents for my mom too so it wasn’t all for me and everything was dirt cheap.For example; I paid a 1.50 for Portia De Rossi’s book Unbearable Lightness hardcover! It was great to get out of the house. Amazing, in fact. But I did over do it carrying so many heavy books I got winded for a bit there. Since I can’t drive right now my mom was there but she was in another section. I should have stayed close and asked her to help me, which I did… eventually. I don’t know. My thoughts are so spastic sometimes. I just don’t want to fail so I am going to refuse to fail. Simple as that I guess. I just have a lot of people saying i’m so brave for getting this surgery and that I’m an inspiration. I don’t feel like that at all. I feel… like a fat girl desperately trying to get healthy and happy.


8 thoughts on “reasons like seasons they constantly change and the seasons of last year like reasons have floated away

  1. You’ve met my mom, Krystal. I don’t know if you remember her size or not, but her sister had gastric bypass a year ago and is now smaller than my mom. She used to be about your size. Maybe a little smaller, but not by much. She’s in her 40’s, so if she could do it, you can do. She just ate mostly all healthy foods and exercised.

  2. You knew before going into this that the sleeve wasn’t a cure all for your weight and that is the right attitude! You realize that the sleeve is a tool to help you and if you work your tool, it will aide you in losing the weight. I know (trust me I know) how important those numbers are, but maybe you should set some short term goals that aren’t associated with the numbers on the scale. I don’t think you’ll be successful, I know you will!

  3. Stay positive! I tried to warn you that you were going to get hit by all sorts of emotions 1-2 weeks out from surgery, and here you are. Heh. You’ll be okay. Just stay positive, and stay busy! Don’t sit around because then you’ll become preoccupied by your thoughts.

    I will admit that one big advantage gastric bypass has over gastric sleeve is that because a good three feet of small intestine are removed/bypassed, there’s malabsorption, as well as a decrease in how much consumed food is absorbed. But the malabsorption is a double-edged sword, because along with not absorbing all of the fat I consume, I’m also not absorbing all of the nutrients I consume. You should SEE the vitamins I take every day. In fact, here is a picture:

    Weight loss seriously varies from one person to the next. It’s all about genetics and metabolism. You know that, I know you know that. Don’t get caught up in the numbers, and don’t get caught up in comparisons. It’s easy to do, I know, but everyone is different.

    Keep with what you’re doing: small portions, plenty of water, daily activity, and you’ll do GREAT. *hugs*

    • I think I just need to focus on writing my book maybe that’ll help. I think i’ll follow amanda’s advice and just focus on small goals and things like that. I hope my emotions and thoughts calm down. I hate regrets. Gotta definitely stay positive! miss you hope you’re feeling better soon

  4. Just keep your head up and keep pushing through it. I know you can do it! You’re determined to reach your goals, and you’ll be able to do it as long as you keep to the positive thinking. You’re an amazing person no matter what your size, but you also deserve to be happy with yourself. Even though you’re feeling wishy washy right now, know that it will get better. And if you ever need, you have friends and family to fall back on when you’re feeling down. ❤

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