looks a lot worse than it seems but you know baby that’s just me

I can’t remember if I used that lyric before. It’s from of my favorite Tegan and Sara songs called Frozen.
It’s getting so close to surgery. I start the liquid fast on Wednesday which is no fun. I attempted to start the fast 6 days early but I will tell you FUCK that was said at the end of the day. Now don’t think that this means that I will not be able to do it for the 14 days I have to do it forrealsies. I was just like why torture myself now? I wanted to start early to lose more before surgery. I have my two last clearance appointments Wednesday and Thursday. Medical and surgical. I had blood drawn last week to so the check to see if there are any major concerns. I hope they check for blood coagulation. I am so deathly afraid of getting a blood clot. Being larger that is my main concern and the doctors too. I have never had one but I have become obsessed with the bruise on my arm from the withdrawl site. I have asked everyone and their mom if they thought it was a blood clot. I am so afraid I’ll get a blood clot and it’ll hit my brain or heart a la Denny from Grey’s Anatomy. I am not being irrational because it could happen. I know there have been bigger people than me getting this surgery but this being my first major surgery I am just like, literally, shiiiit. I am a tiny bit of an emotional wreck lately. Fearful that these next two weeks will be my last or something and I haven’t done 90% of what I have wanted to do with my life. I think its normal for people to be nervous before surgery and I am trying to put on a brave face because I know I want this so bad. This will help me. It will assist me in ways that… will save me. Save who I am.
I am not the girl who bawls at a friggin amusement park. I am not. That’s what happened twice yesterday. I just feel so horrible being this girl that has to say “oh my god the pirate ship bar is going to fucking GUT me let me out.” Yeah. That was a pleasant experience. The asshole guy who was controlling the ride said “here we go again… arms up” as I walked away in the most condescending tone. I was MORTIFIED. I shouldn’t have tried the stupid fucking ride but I didn’t know the bar DID that. I thought it stopped. I just wanted to die. It was terrible. I know I have to hang out to that feeling and NEVER EVER forget that shit. NEVER. It will drive me through these next two weeks and the lifetime after. I can’t wait to go to Herhsey Park again with Jenn next year and ride every ride in that park. Hopefully, by then, I will have lost that sufficient amount of weight I have needed to lose to ride those rides.

That’s Jenn! Not to put her business out there but she had bariatric surgery and she looks really great. She has dropped so much weight. She is such a wonderful supportive person and she knows how it is. She’s been a great help to me and I am so glad to call her a friend. Truly.
Here’s everyone:

Dan, me, Jenn and Bran.
*full credit for pics go to Jenn. They are from her flickr licks are attached to the pictures.
Lemme tell ya that photo above we were SOAKED the tidal force was one of the rides I could ride. It wasn’t a bad day. I had a lot of fun. I love my friends to pieces its just those set backs of embarrassment sucked. Like I said; they’ll be reminders. They’ll keep me going. I am trying to stay positive despite my morbid thoughts.I am a nervous wreck sometimes but I am very excited. I am. This journey has been crazy. I’m over being so unhealthy and unhappy. I can’t wait for my life to just BLOOM. Maybe I’ll finally do an open mic night. Maybe i’ll be able to actually buy crap from Victoria Secret. Hear’s to hoping.
I really hope I don’t come off as this entitled whiny bitch. i sense that in me. I promise I am not that way. I just am fat trying to fix it. I am so over having to exercise only in the pool because of joint paint. I’m tired of wearing ugly clothes. I am just annoyed with it.


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