face like a faded tattoo

I am so angry. I am so angry and I just feel liek I am going to lose my shit at any second. Its the little things and its the big things. It’s what I’m denied. It’s what I’ve denied myself.
It’s the anger I have for myself for destrOying my youth. For letting every one destroy who I am.
For losing who I was.
I hate feeling like I lost myself. I hate that I feel like I ran out of time.
For allowing sadness to swallow me whole and allowing it to ruin my fucking life. I am a ruined woman. I am. I will never (and never have had) the body of a girl my own age. I have always been SOME kind of overweight. I have to stress now about an impending trip to the amusement park in August. I can ride like two rides for 40 bucks because it’s not like I’m going to be magically a hundred pounds lighter. Surgery isn’t until the end of August or September so there is that. It’s not like thats a magic fix. I have to work now. I have to start just controlling myself now. I feel a little out of control at this moment right now. It’s not like I have my own spot to cry either. I don’t have my own room. I am a 23 year old friggin’ loser who lives at home with her mommy and daddy. I just can’t even right now. I just want to fix so many things at once and to bring my own happiness that I am starting to feel very overwhelmed. That’s not the way to go about this. I am bad at having patience. I know thats my biggest thing. I am terrible at managing money. I know I need to find the traits that I’m good at but I feel all drowny. May be because everyone in my house is screaming at each other right now. I am definitely a sponge. The mood in the room can definitely affect me. That’s not good. I should be the master of my own happiness. This is definitely one of those woe is me posts. I mean I am doing the steps. It’s just sometimes it can feel so overwhelming. It can feel like nothing is happening fast enough or that time is running out? Does that make sense? I feel like i’m just aging without really living.
I feel like I am just going through the motions of “happy.” Because as much game I talk about how much I don’t need a relationship but I think I want something. I mean as a human some kind of romance is desired. I have never been “romanced.” My first kiss was such a crock of shit. It was me asking home boy to kiss me and did I mention I was almost seventeen?
Now, my sisters and brothers have gone steps way beyond me in the relationship games and i’m just like what about me?! Am I REALLY going to be a spinster while my younger siblings are all together with someone? Really? I hate feeling like the ugly sister. I hate feeling like the most unattractive person in my family. I hate it. I just feel so much goddamn frustration right now the only way to get it out is to listen to Foo and just cry silently and type this.
I am trying to convince myself it is going to get better. Give it a few months and i’ll be there. I will. It’s all going to come. It is. Its just the NOW that sucks. It’s the waiting.
This is why I want patience tattooed on my wrist as a reminder to stop and chill. The other thing that is majorly frustrating is the hearing thing. I have like 3 days left of the prednisone and i still can’t friggin hear. I am going to have to suck it up and take a day off and get some tests done for the pulmonologist and see an ENT. Hopefully I can finagle that to be all in one day so I don’t have to use so much time. I just hope this FMLA shit starts soon so I don’t have to stress about losing my job and losing my income. No more horse shit. Next pay check I am literally going to hand my dad 300 bucks to put away. The only reason i’m not doing it this pay period because I HAVE to pay car insurance and fix my hair because its just stupid looking with these purple highlights that did not come out at all.Like trash. I don’t care too much about what my hair looks liek but we’re haivng this big family shin dig on sunday and I’m already going to be in a bathing suit thou shall not offend with this hair as well. Sigh. I think i’m going to fix myself a drink to help me fall asleep. I feel a little better now releasing all of those demons.


5 thoughts on “face like a faded tattoo

  1. You are not the ugly sister! You are a beautiful women both inside and outside!

    I too am bad at managing money and I think it’s because I went so many years without having my own money that now that I make it I want to spend it to make up for all those years without it.

    I also let those around me effect my mood way too much. If you figure out how to stop that, please let me know!

    • Aw thanks manda. i feel that way sometimes though! I think thats me too. I’m like this is my money i want this make up and this shirt now! I’ll let you know if I magically figure it out lol

  2. I want you to know that you are beautiful. And you are loved. But while that is true, you should thank your lucky stars that you are getting surgery. You are a very very lucky person and you are being handed a tool that will guarantee you weightloss. In the meantime, just calm down. Go for a walk. Go for a run. Draw. Write. And have fun at Hershey park. Don’t worry about your size. You are there to be with friends and have a good time.

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