Poetry? Idk.

To fit in the in between.
Fiction and non
let’s make it real
To lust over the timeline
I’m the colors outside the lines
let’s pretend that I make sense
half the time i’m lost and so suppressed
suffocated and starved for the oxygen
oh to breathe
Let the judgement wash over me
let’s see if we can make it
I can’t imagine
I CAN’T fathom
feeling okay
perfectly at ease
without any their words to stall me
I am…
Striving for the best
hoping i can pass this test
I delight myself with dreams
for some eyes to look upon me without disgust
oh how nice
WHere do I fit?
Pulled apart by the insults and drama
Put together and never taken seriously
Ridiculed in secret
who cares?
I lust for lust
and it’s just my luck my imagination’s vast
that’s the only way my ass will last

I don’t know what that was. It’s not anything normal. I just have so many thoughts going through my head at all times. It’s so focused on food, weight, food and weight. Fitting in. Looking good. It’s depressing to be focusing and stressing over that at all times. My minds consumed by it. I know my time is coming and once the surgery comes I WILL STILL be consumed by food just making sure I eat correctly, enough protein, and all that. I just feel so frazzled. I am so calling EAP (employee assistance program) just so I get my three free counselling sessions. Just so I can get some feedback from people who don’t know me.I want to make it so bad. I want to be able to just be at peace at being me. To feel right in my own skin. To not have the awkward gut that gets in the way. I am just not happy. I can’t enjoy theme parks. I gotta stay focused. Forget the sceisse.
So right now i’m bleaching my hair. I really, really want purple. I am using splat. I am just doing streaks because there isn’t enough for my hair in one box because of the thickness. I just love purple. My job doesn’t care about crazy colors so why not do it now while I can? I am almost 24 and it’s like people are like “you’re getting too old.” I personally will never think i’m getting too old for shit. The only timeline I will ever be concerned with is the having children thing just because of the health risks. I know I stress over the fact I have never had a relationship but I really believe that I have learned by absorbing all the relationships around me. I know what I want. And I don’t want it now. I have to focus on me. Once I am happy with myself and not concerned about whether or not he finds me attractive because I’ll already KNOW it. Feel me?

I really didn’t meant to do two posts in one day. I am just waiting for the BET awards to be finished so I can watch True Blood. In my room I don’t have HBO so I must wait until the down stairs tv is no longer occupied.


3 thoughts on “Poetry? Idk.

  1. Your poem is lovely, and very heartfelt. I love how you just write, without stopping to make it pretty or especially poetic or rhyme-y.

    You’ll be consumed by food after surgery, but not in the same way. You won’t be thinking about what restaurant you want to go to, what sides you *should* have (veggies, mashed potatoes) vs what you *want* to have (fries, mac & cheese), or what you’ll make for dessert. Instead, you’ll be thinking about protein, about fiber, about calories and especially fat grams. You’ll be adding and subtracting and trying to fit as much protein into as little food as possible. If you’re like me and a lot of other post-ops, you’ll find eating to be a chore, because there’s so much mental work involved.

    Good for you for going with purple. Girllllllllllll, I just turned 27 and my hair is hot pink. Join the club! 😉

    • I wish the purple came out but its just ugh. I’m hoping to get it professionally done this week to fix it lol. I appreciate your comment and i’m so glad I have you as a friend as a liason in this surgery thing. Every time I go to the doctors i’m like yeah my friend Jenn had the surgery so I keep asking her questions. lol

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