i’m a soldier to my own emptiness I am a winner

I am angry. You can’t be my size and not have a spark of true anger and sadness running through your core making some mof your best days turn into fucked up ones. I am ridiculously sensitive. I always have been. I wanted “love” from 12-23. I was searching for someone to make me feel like all my friends have already felt and for me has always been unrequited love. I was always looking for male validation that was good enough. That I was pretty enough to have on their arm. Always. A lot of those feelings sparked my eating habits. My loneliness and sadness. My female examples always had a boyfriend. This year has done a lot for me. I have accepted my loneliness. I don’t necessarily say I am writing off men all together but at this point in my life I know I can’t do it. I am physically and emotionally unable to handle a relationship. I am always self doubting and I am too fucked up. Yeah. I like a guy and I think we could be great together if he gave me a fucking chance but if he has an issue with my weight (which I KNOW he did in high school no matter what he fucking says) I shouldn’t want him any way. I am a wreck of a woman. I know this. I am getting help. My anger is fueling my pursuit of my gastrectomy. That’s not good right? I am going to get better and I hope when I’m happier with myself I won’t be as angry or scared. Scared to death that everyone I know is talking shit about me. I don’t care so much about the ones I don’t know talking shit. I’m talking about the family that is supposed to love me regardless. The ones who haven’t seen me in a year so when I walk in the say wow you need to get on a diet. Yeah, my grandma said that. So I am angry. I can be a happy go lucky girl. I can be a damn pleasure to be around. But when a lot of shit goes wrong I am a girl that can feel like shit really fast and hard. It can make me angry. It can make me irrational.


3 thoughts on “i’m a soldier to my own emptiness I am a winner

  1. One of the many problems with society is that people focus too much on weight. I only know you online but from your pictures and talking to you, you are a beautiful woman both inside and out. Hell, I have seen many thin girls who do not have nearly as much beauty as you. Unfortunately, some idiots cannot see true beauty unless it comes in a size 3 package.

  2. Life is like a book, we all judge each other by whats on the cover, but you’ll never know a person until you open up the book and read the pages. But, I’ve opened the book, I’ve read inside. I fully support your decision 100%, and you know I’ll always love you no matter who you are on the outside. I just want to see you happier, because its what we all deserve, nothing but happiness, and a high on life. I think you’re a beautiful person, inside and out, since I’ve known you. You make me laugh, you’re fun to be around, and I couldn’t replace you for anything. Thank you for always being there for me, and loving me for me. You know I’ll always do the same. ❤

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