i’m hopelessly hopeful that you’re just hopeless enough


As I sit here with my hair dye correcting my red root disaster (don’t ask) I realize I am a total leaf in the wind kinda girl. I desire the lifestyle that involves no planning and pure sponaneity. I realize I have the personality of a rich girl flake. I am far from rich. I am always trying to figure out how much money I have left after stupidly buying a 32 dollar make up brush because it makes you look air brushed. But I desire a total drifter life. I do always want to have a home to go to but I don’t really like knowing what I’m doing next. I mean I have the occasional plan like going to AC this weekend or a day trip to New York. But i’m a spontaneous broad enough to do a New York trip on my own if I see fit. I ain’t scurred. I haven’t done it yet but I’ve been thinking about it. Just to get lost- but not lost enough I have to harm someone. I am so like my mom it’s hilarious. She rarely makes plans for tomorrow. I ask her if we’re going to the outlets on Saturday and she’s all “Ay, Krystal. That’s too far ahead.” And I’m all ” but it’s like the day after tomorrow.” I have to get better at it but I like to just go with the flow. I am so easy breezy that some people take this nonchalance for me not caring. This planning for this surgery is the most planning I’ve done my whole life. I was thought I was going to burst a blood vessel planning all of those future doctor appointments, group meetings, and life style classes. I was like huh? By the way my first class is May 26. My last one is July 22nd. So my surgery is probably going to fall in the August territory. That’s incredibly soon. I’m scared. I have never had surgery other than a tonsillectomy when I was four. I am excited yet nervous. I know these classes will prepare me and my center is in the excellence category. I still keep thinking about the possibility of dying though. Like what if they find cancer on my stomach. and they have a doctor Bailey type lady in there saying; “Sir, do you see that mass?” Then doctor Webber/my doctor will be all “I see it Bailey we’ll do what we can.” Then The Fray’s how to save a life will be playing in the background. I realize I watch way too much Grey’s Anatomy. I am optimistic yet scared.
So I don’t know what the hell this post was about.
My desire to be rich as a gangsta and travel the world? I guess. Or maybe I wanted to kill 25 minutes for the dye to set it. Hey I tell no lies. I am sooooo excited for next Friday. It’s the weezer/panic at the disco show. I love both of those bands to death. I remember getting our first nice computer that wasn’t from the 80s with like Windows 95 and they came with a sampler cd that had the Buddy Holly music video so I’ve been a fan forever. So this concert is also going to bring me back to high school when I used to JAM to lying is the most fun a girl can have with her clothes on. Mostly because it said “fuck” in the lyrics.

I got more wit a better kiss a hotter touch a better fuck than any boy you’d ever meet sweetie you had me.

I was dangerously emo back then. It was a cool emo though because I wrote on my own chucks and shit. Most notably( and my favorite) I had UR on one toe and RAD on the other. I’d still dress that way honestly because I like quotes and things making my own jeans awesome and whatnot but I work and it’s business casual so it’s like all I have in my wardrobe. I can’t wait to go shopping in like December when I have lost quite a bit of weight. I will be rocking Hurley again if it kills me.

And to wrap this mess of a post here is the song that the quote from this blog title is from:

&& besides my reputation’s on the line.

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