heal me one last time

I’m obviously suicidal.
I swear.
I must be obsessed with killing myself slow and steady to be this weight. To have such a fucking problem with myself to keep doing this to myself. I really just can’t even begin to explain how I feel sometimes.
I won tickets through Radio 104.5 through a twitter contest to see Jared leto 30 Seconds to Mars and Anberlin. Let me first say what an AMAZING SHOW. Seriously, epic. I just couldn’t even explain the awe I was in because Jared Leto is sooo into his fans. So into just rockin the hell out. They put on a great show. Their theme for the show was neon:

See that thing around Jared’s neck (on the left?)
I took that home:

It was carelessly on the floor and my best friend amber picked it up and gave it to me. Shes so fabulous.
This is the crowd shot of the show:

Live music always fuels me into a way I can’t explain. The downfall of the show was the fact there were seats. Tiny little stadium seats my belly doesn’t like. I swear my gut just jabba the huts its ass everywhere. It makes me want to do irrational things like claw at my neck and rage. I wish it would anger me enough to eat better. I have been doing better today. I had whole grain brocolli rice with salmon for lunch and honey bunches of oats for breakfast. I do so terrible when I go out. I just love EVERY bit of food. I am setting myself up for failure every time I walk out the door.

I know I have been miss do it without surgery but I’m not doing anything but feeling pure self loathing every time a bad situation comes up and I feel like gastric bypass is something I need to do. There is at least one time a day I want to hurl my head against the wall because it just feels like too much. I think disliking my job doesn’t help really. I don’t want people to see this and just say “wow she’s suicidal” I don’t think so. I just feel an overwhelming sense of despair. I am printing out the packet as I speak and I’m going to go through these surgeons that come highly recommended for this type of thing. I can’t keep living a half life going through everything like i’m happy when I can’t be the real Krystal anymore. I am going to die if I keep this up. Enough is enough and I am going to do something about it. Now, I don’t think this is the easy way out by any means. If any thing I think this is going to make my life way harder eating wise. I am going to be limited to a lot. Drinking basically cut.
heh. what’s soo “funny” is my dad just walked in with a huge box of soft philly pretzels. 😦 I really can’t win. I live at home in case some of you didn’t know and I’m the only one in the house of seven (I have 4 brother and sisters) that suffers with this eating thing. So if i’m going to start this journey this month I may not have the actual surgery until around my birthday which is in October. I am going to have to start seeing cardiologists, endocrinolgists, psychiatrists and dietitians. I know that a month before the surgery I can’t eat anything but their shakes too. That worries me with how my house is. It is going to be the hardest couple of months but the end result will be… amazing. I don’t think I’ll look hollowed out or anything either because of my full moon face either. SO let’s hope.

1 thought on “heal me one last time

  1. I’m so excited for you Krystal. And you know I’ll always support you through this. I’ll be there in the hospital to visit you, and help you in your recovery. You deserve nothing, but happiness. ❤

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