I don’t know how many of my friends watch the show Ruby on style but I feel like she’s my soul sister. She has struggled with weight as well and still does. She’s been a larger weight than me but right now she’s about my size. This is a quote from the website that really describes Ruby and hits home for me too:
Ruby is an amazing woman trying to lose hundreds of pounds without surgery, miracle diets or shortcuts. Just one person—mind, body and soul—in the fight to save her life.
I watched an episode today and she described my plight in a way that was soo painful for me because it rang so true. So effing true.
I’m crying as I type this because she got all dolled up for this “date” with this really cute guy. She wasn’t sure if he liked her as more than friends or was the date just a friends thing.
Guess what he said?
You guessed it. He used the F word and not the fun one ya know what i’m saying? I wish I could find a link to her little confessional after he said he wanted this to lean more towards the friendly side. She said something along the lines of how she never wants to feel like she is getting closer to a guy because it always turns out he just wants to be friends because of the weight.
My plight, yes?
I feel like, at this point in my life, that i’ll be alone for probably at least a year. A year to get healthier so I feel good about myself. Maybe this is self depreciating but I have witnessed and so has Ruby. I think (and Ruby said this too) that people really have to be in our shoes to know what its like. TO feel the eyes. Now Ruby was once 800 pounds and I am not near that but I still connect with her level of uneasiness towards dating men. I hate the fact that I like guys and I’m always scared to death to say the words because I am always shut down. Always. And if something DOES happen its all bull shit no substance. ALL BULL SHIT NO SUBSTANCE. I hate that I am always harping on this but at 23 I feel like I am missing on the biggest part of life. Real love. Real honest to God love. I don’t want a guy that has a girl at home. I want a real honest to God good guy that has some balls to be with a bigger woman. Someone who looks past the weight. May be if a guy steps up I won’t feel like I don’t deserve the love because of what I look like. I know I start this paragraph that I’ll be alone for a year but lets get real I have been alone all my life. I want something of substance other than food to fill my loneliness.