are you worth your weight in gold cause you’re behind my eye lids when i’m all alone


I don’t know how many of my friends watch the show Ruby on style but I feel like she’s my soul sister. She has struggled with weight as well and still does. She’s been a larger weight than me but right now she’s about my size. This is a quote from the website that really describes Ruby and hits home for me too:

Ruby is an amazing woman trying to lose hundreds of pounds without surgery, miracle diets or shortcuts. Just one person—mind, body and soul—in the fight to save her life.

I watched an episode today and she described my plight in a way that was soo painful for me because it rang so true. So effing true.
I’m crying as I type this because she got all dolled up for this “date” with this really cute guy. She wasn’t sure if he liked her as more than friends or was the date just a friends thing.
Guess what he said?
You guessed it. He used the F word and not the fun one ya know what i’m saying? I wish I could find a link to her little confessional after he said he wanted this to lean more towards the friendly side. She said something along the lines of how she never wants to feel like she is getting closer to a guy because it always turns out he just wants to be friends because of the weight.
My plight, yes?
I feel like, at this point in my life, that i’ll be alone for probably at least a year. A year to get healthier so I feel good about myself. Maybe this is self depreciating but I have witnessed and so has Ruby. I think (and Ruby said this too) that people really have to be in our shoes to know what its like. TO feel the eyes. Now Ruby was once 800 pounds and I am not near that but I still connect with her level of uneasiness towards dating men. I hate the fact that I like guys and I’m always scared to death to say the words because I am always shut down. Always. And if something DOES happen its all bull shit no substance. ALL BULL SHIT NO SUBSTANCE. I hate that I am always harping on this but at 23 I feel like I am missing on the biggest part of life. Real love. Real honest to God love. I don’t want a guy that has a girl at home. I want a real honest to God good guy that has some balls to be with a bigger woman. Someone who looks past the weight. May be if a guy steps up I won’t feel like I don’t deserve the love because of what I look like. I know I start this paragraph that I’ll be alone for a year but lets get real I have been alone all my life. I want something of substance other than food to fill my loneliness.

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11 thoughts on “are you worth your weight in gold cause you’re behind my eye lids when i’m all alone

  1. Oh my gosh. Not only do I feel the same about Ruby, but I feel the same about you. OMGOSH. I… I need your email, girl. It’s like you’re living my life. We have some chatting to do.

  2. I just found your page from a link on Ruby’s page. I love her. I have been fat since the 4th grade and I totally feel you. I will tell you though, that there are men out there who will see beyond anything and everything. I bet my hubby online. I put off meeting him face to face for weeks/months. I warned him before we met that he was going to be disappointed. I was a wreck and figured I would see that look in his eyes..you know the one. First thing he said to me was, “Damn! You are cute!” I figured he was either married or gay. Well, 12 years later, we have been married for almost 11 and have 2 great kids. He told me that he loved me before he met me and he didn’t give a crap what I looked like, but that it was a bonus that I was beautiful!! He tells me everyday that I am beautiful and sexy. He is a gift from God. I am thankful for him everyday. Our marriage isn’t perfect but I never worry about my weight being an issue. Don’t settle for less than you deserve. Weight should not even enter the equation, though I know it does, oh how I know! Hugs.

    • Thanks for the comment Misty. It’s inspiring to know there are good guys out there that are willing to look past it. I love Ruby too shes so fun and inspiring. I hope to have what you have some day and I hope you continue to have a wonderful marriage. I won’t settle! hugs right back!

  3. For me this article addresses something I have thought about many times.Does a guy have the guts to be with who he really likes? Regardless of what anyone thinks? I think most men are influenced by society,peer pressure.I can’t say that women aren’t but I would say men in particular are very pack oriented,listen to their buddies.How many of us have had girlfriends who were with a complete loser and she would go on and be with him anyway? I have seen guys be teased about their girlfriends and they cave.I sincerely believe that it’s not that they aren’t attracted to larger women,I think they are just too weak to do anything about it.How unfortunate that perfectly beautiful,wonderful women have to transform to compensate for their weakness.We all should strive to be healthy and take care of ourselves but no one should have to wait to be loved and appreciated in the process.All women are beautiful and may we always lift each other up.

    • I wonder that too sometimes because.. I get the feeling that guys like me and i’m putting myself out there and I’m like…. so the only problem has to be my weight. I am addressing that point in my novel because i think thats a very true point.I appreciate your comment so much and it cheered me up!

      • I am glad my comment cheered you up honey.You keep being you,put yourself out there.Every now and again you will find a man with guts who will follow his heart and not care what anyone else says.Men are visual but it’s not just about weight,who doesn’t love a beautiful face and personality? If a woman is beautiful like yourself,Ruby it’s gonna get noticed.Think of this,how many men and women marry people who gain weight after marriage or as they grow older.Do they all divorce? Do they all dump them? That’s rare.When you love someone and mature in life you could don’t concentrate on such things.You are already love the person.So…why is it not possible you will have a guy fall in love with you and your weight not be the deciding factor.It’s more about them than it is about you.Good luck to you sweetie!

      • Thank you. I hope I find a man with guts soon but I;m not holding my breath lol. And you’re very right. I think its my age too. Like guys right now are sooo shallow it makes it hard to get noticed. Thanks for the luck!

  4. I am also a huge fan of Ruby. I have been married for 13 years and my husband always tells me how beautiful and sexy I am. The problem is, I don’t agree with him or believe him to a degree. When I see him drooling over Halle Berry or Beyonce and I know I don’t look anything like them, I wonder is he sincere in his compliments. I try to have more self esteem and see myself the way he sees me but it’s hard. There are good men out there who will love you and think you’re beautiful, not just have “a cute face” or “are cute to be big”. When you do find it, receive it and believe it even if you don’t see it yet.

    • Tikki-Your husband is sincere when he tells you how beautiful and sexy you are.First of all you dont have to look like Halle Berry or Beyonce to be beautiful and sexy.Both are beautiful women but they are not the only ones,the world is full of them.They come in all skin color,hair color,eye color and size.Another thing you have to remember is your husband is in “love” with you,not Halle or Beyonce.He doesn’t know them,walk through life with them and the mean nothing to him outside of entertainment.Believe in your value and beauty.You don’t have to be Halle or Beyonce,you are wonderful just as you are.

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