I am so human. So flawed. I am such a cliche. I am a hopeless romantic and a single, single, single female. I feel like I missing something. I know I need to find myself before… shit goes down.
I keep thinking I’m going to have this major realization. That things are going to finally come my way. I mean I have some great elements but as a whole I am a mess. I desire nothing more than to be a part of something amazing. As a 23 year old woman I should be more in tune with what I want and need. I think I am dthe stupidest thing: comparing myself to others. All of the babied, engaged, and married are getting to me I think. I am no way in any shape or form close to any of that. I am not even a half to a whole. I am not even a quarter. I fall into the category of the singles. I am not necessarily saying I want to be engaged or married. NO. I appreciate my single Dom in the sense I can essentially do whatever I want with no one to answer to but…the problem is it’s drilled into my head that you’re not really anyone until you’ve been in love. to love and be loved. Romantically. I have, to say the least, intense feelings. I was an intense teenager with intense, scary, passionate feelings. To be so full of love and not DO anything about it is frustrating to say the least. I frustrate myself to no end. I wish that I could go back and do it all over again to wish for those things is stupid. I am a dwelling girl. I keep obsessing about ever stupid little thing I have done with my “love” life. I know everything happens for a reason. I know if I didn’t like him because I found him creepy it was for the best.. It always is. I’ll persevere . I gotta because otherwise what’s the point? I think my main problem is the dwelling and how I dwell over what I weigh. I deem myself unfit for love. I deem myself unattractive and undesirable because a lot of men (and women) have told me so. Why do I let the term “fat bitch” define me? I know I am hurting myself fantasizing about child hood crushes with guys who made it clear that they want nothing to do with me. It’s so heinous and hurtful that I do nothing but want the impossible. I am trying to change. I really am.