I think the pain meds are making me loopy. Not loopy but more in touch with my inner blogger. She’s been in hiding for sometime. It always comes out when I need to get my ass in bed.
I just wish… I was more me. Like I have this ideal in my head of who I should be or should I SAY who I am. I think I’m this awesome, crazy, cooky, broad. I think I could be desirable. I think I should be desirable. I am not a cocky girl by any means. I just don’t feel right in my body. Like I have… exploded into this girl and I am trying to rectify the situation but things HAPPEN. Like maybe I was pushing my self too hard and thats why my back is all jacked up and now… I have to chiil. So the pounds are going to come back? The depression? The hopelessness? The feeling of “no point?” I really see myself as a woman with such… Joie de vivre. I am passionate about having passion. I really feel like I should put my thoughts into a much more creative space. Like I wish i could focus and finish my thoughts on paper. Like my “stories.” I’d like to find a musical partner in crime and get the courage and confidence to sing on stage MY words. My thoughts. I think I am better than the life I am leading. I know I am. I just wish I could get to the part where I feel like I know myself and I can go traveling the world enjoying the spoils it has to offer without worry if I am too fat. To feel healthy enough to be deserving of some real love. I want to love myself more than anything. I think I have tremendous respect for who I am as a female but I let myself get in the way sometimes. I strive to be better. Please be in my corner. I am going to be 24 this year and I feel very confused. I hate it. I hate not having some solid ground to stand on. Like I think I just need to get out there and meet new people. Get different more positive outlooks on life.