My dignity’s become undone


I have roughly 100 days until I go to Tennessee. I’m going to be visiting my friend Leslie
Why is this so significant? Well it’s going to be awesome for one. For two it’s a challenge for me. To lose enough weight so I won’t have to deal with considerable shit sitting on a tiny airplane with my large body. I don’t want people to look at me uneasily and say: “I hope that fat chick ain’t sitting by me.” Truth is 100 days is not a lot of time. I sure won’t be goal by then. Like no way. But I’m hoping 50 pounds. I know that is a lot but I really am trying. Last night was my last drink for awhile(I mean it this time), I haven’t had soda in two days (a feat for me OKAY!), I’ve been going to the gym and I signed up for personal training. It just sucked so hard getting on the scale yesterday. I felt defeated for a moment there. I felt like shiit this is too much. I can’t lose it all. But I really need to remember that everything is possible. I really am truly not happy with myself. This is my own personal shit. Yes, it upsets me that people think a certain about me because of my weight and it makes me hella sad that a guy finds me so offensively unattractive that no matter what the compatibility he’ll never give me the time of day. These are contributing factors to my weight loss goals. OF COURSE. But in all I am doing it for me. I want to live without fear of diabetes creeping in. So its been a week. I’m not asking for high fives. I have to stick with this shit. Its sooo hard. I kinda have to give up my dignity. Thank god I know my personal trainer otherwise it’d be embarrassing as fuck. Its a struggle. I am near tears with every thing. Shoot running back and forth is hard. I must do this mess though. Biggest loser I sympathize. lol. I want to be all biggest loser though. I want people to be like WOW. I really want to wear a pencil skirt when I’m smaller. So this is off topic but I am currently listening to the Adele 21 cd and it is soooo amazing. I am jamming to someone like you with tears in my eyes so I kind of lost my train of thoughts. Her voice is so beautiful. I wish I could harness that strength in my voice.
serious these lyrics:
“Never mind, I’ll find someone like you,
I wish nothing but the best for you, too,
Don’t forget me, I beg,
I remember you said,
“Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead,”
Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead,”
are amazing. A M A Z I N G
I’m so done. I just can’t explain how I feel sometimes. Like I hate liking guys right now because most of the time the feelings not mutual and it hurts. Of course it hurts. But its to the point where I don’t want a boyfriend to dictate my shit I just wouldn’t mind some male companionship. But any who… I am going to just end this right here before it gets too long.

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2 thoughts on “My dignity’s become undone

  1. Sorry you’re feeling so down. I hope before your trip you make some major progress, so you’ll be able to enjoy yourself without being insecure about your weight. Remember to stay focused and not give up. Take things one meal/workout at time. Even if you slip up the day isn’t over!

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