if i could open my arms and span the length of the isle of manhattan i’d bring it to where you are

I think you guys think I am totally contradictory. I guess I am. Or I am a ever changing female changing to suit my own happiness. Go figure. A lot of people are doing that thing were they analyze me because they think they know me. But… I am a mess of different things. I have so many different kinds of friends with different interests becausse I hate doing the same thing every day. I change my mind a lot but then I am also kind of stubburn. Does that make sense? I am a woman indecisive tendencies but then again I usually stick to my guns. I think a lot of people think I am one picky bitch because I usually don’t like the men that like me. I just know what I like. I am not interested in uber awkwardness of the third kind by dating someone who has no balls. Or the kind of balls that is the cheesiest among cheesiest. Am I hard on men? Maybe. I just go by the examples around me. My pops is a great husband and provider. He treats my mommdukes like a queen. He takes her out every weekend and blatantly loves her. I have also seen how men can cheat. Cheat so bad that I am scared that 85% of men cheat and I will NEVER tolerate for that. (It is NOT my father who has cheated. He has never done that.) I am a very strong woman in that sense. I have gone 23 years without a man in my life and if I can’t get a faithful one I would say adios faster than the speed of light. Women deserve better than that. As well as men with hardcore issues such as abusive behaviors. Mind ninjas and physical abusers as well as drug and alcohol abusers. I would never tolerate for that. I am not that kind of girl either. So, I am wary. I may bitch and moan about how I want a guy… But in all reality… I don’t want just a guy. I want a great guy. A guy I can laugh with. The one I can be a total spazz in front of and he would never look down on me for that. So while I appreciate a compliment from a guy that are all like “You’re beautiful…” I take it with a grain of salt. I know men have ulterior motives. I have learned from the best that a lot of guys want that ass and only that ass. I am not having none of that. So, I’ll keep working on my confidence and body so I can get to my own level of self happiness. If the right guy comes a long I won’t turn him away. Accepting applications but not hiring. HA! If I’d be honest with myself I am really waiting for HIM but… I know I am not what he wants. I am not talking about Miguel btw. I am over that. SO over that. We’re friends but I have no romantic notions. I swear. But the guy that i am talking about I wish a million wishes but it’s okay. He isn’t attracted to me the same way I am not attracted to certain guys. Whether its my weight or not… I speculate but I am not pointing fingers. It could very well be that but it could also be that because my confidence level fails in certain ways and that makes me even more unattractive. But the thing of it is I haven’t always been this big but I was never small. My freshman and sophomore year I was thick in all the right places but still too thick for the boys of that age circa 2002. So anyway. I am growing up and life is not passing me by. I may be single and I’d bitch and moan but really… I just know what I want. I go out and have fun and I don’t do it by sleeping around with any dude that says hey. I think that’s saying something. Right?


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