“Although its been a long time You’re right back where you started from

I see it in your eyes now you’re givin up the gun”
Today was one of those days where I just needed to cry my ass off. I accomplished just that but I don’t feel very liberated. I feel like I am moving in slow motion and everyone is surpassing me.
I am so impatient and I am very good at screwing myself to oblivian. I wish I could hack off the bits I hate on myself. My belly, my extra chin, my flubber arms, and my inner thighs. I’d like to keep my boobs, I had one of those REALLY shitty weigh ins when it was all my fault. I wish self control was my middle name because Marie ain’t doing me shit.thanks. I don’t want to give up the gun. I want to keep shooting. Not blanks either. I need to get myself back to steadily losing an keep going. I don’t want to die a footless because I developed diabetes and couldn’t control my blood sugar and my circulation failed me. I am talking about myself here not any one else overweight. I must reiterate that fact as to make sure I am only offending myself not anyone else.
I am hard on myself because of what I have become. i look at pictures of myself in high school and I wish there was a time machine to shake me to realize I wasn’t fat that. I just have super skinny ass friends.
case in point:

I love Katie to bits but our bodies don’t compare. But that was me at 17 or 18 and I was about 250? I am 5’8 so I am tall too. It’s like why did I kick myself so hard to lust for food since I wasn’t getting any action when I was younger? Why couldn’t I just hang on until I was older. Keep that weight and lose it when I was ready instead of saying fuck it and eat everyone and their mommas too. Now… I have a hell of a road in front of me and I feel like maybe the surgery is what I WANT but do I want all that extra skin? It’s a serious decision. I am going to have skin but not that bad if I do it slow. I have to stop living in the past. I have to focus on my goals and just realize that this is my reality. Make do and change it. I just don’t think people realize I have a looong road to travel on. I wish I wasn’t me on days like this but I really do love my self just enough to want to fix myself. My friend Rachel is helping me. She wants it as bad as I do. I want a lot of things at the same time and I need to focus on one thing at a time. I can’t be jealous of everyone and their lovers because I am butt ass alone. I am alone because I am not okay with me and if I dated someone who liked me as I am right now I will always be second guessing his love for me. Why would I want that? I want love bad and I can’t wait. I hate the fact that inpatience is a huge thing I need to work on. I am a girl who has had crushes since I WAS 2 and writing love poems since I was 12. I sang in front of my entire 8th grade class for boy. But that’s my thing. I don’t do shit for myself. But really… I think I could give a lot in a relationship. I am an untapped love machine. LMAO!!!! Wow wayyy too literal. I so apologize. You’re laughing though, yes? Ah, once again I am all over the place making no sense. So let me go find the gun and get my wrists of steel. Golly, I love Vampire Weekend.


4 thoughts on ““Although its been a long time You’re right back where you started from

  1. Krys! I love u mamaz! i dont want u to ever feel like your in it alone… Im here for you n like i said we can work together!! Im only a phone call away and i will be here for you whenever u need me!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s