I’ma motherfuckin Monsterrr

don’t feel like posting with the 30 day blog. Go me. No, I’ll continue it but today we’re going to talk like good boys and girls. I am going to actually blog some confessions. It’s been awhile but I am feeling confessy. I want nothing more than to be happy. I am serious. That’s my confession. lame like what? Everyone wants to be happy. But no. I want to be happy all the time. I want to be happy with my present , my future, my self. I don’t want any doubts that everything is great. I know this is an impossible feat but is it? I know shitty things will happen and may turn my sunny day into a gray but isn’t it easy to make your own happiness by just doing everything in your power to make it just so? I am working on my magical thinking aspect of mind. Whether it be The Secret or Augusten Burroughs inspiring me I have started my positivity board. I have my beetle on there, knee high boots, a pencil skirt, a book for when I publish mine), and a mic for when I actually get on stage and go all Christina Aguilera on your ass. I won’t settle before thirty that’s for sure. I’ve got a lot of living to do. I know that sounds beat: not settling before 30. I am not saying it won’t happen but it’s only 7 short years away and as of right now I have no hot and heavy prospects. I just notice that people may form their own lame opinion of me but I know myself. I have levels of just. I do. You all may have your own file in my file cabinet of people. Whether or not its positive you may never know because I am not one to pick fights. I am not the AGGRESSOR. I get in trouble a lot for voicing my anguish in public forums when not directly opening my mouth to the person but half the time is because I don’t want to make it a “thing.” I am so Larry David in that sense. I don’t want to make it a “thing” that it becomes a rift and all that mess when, probably, the next day, I’ll forgot all about the aforementioned anguish. I am very flighty in certain senses. yes, I hold grudges- believe me. I remember every p.o.s. thing that has happened to me in elementary school, high school, and beyond. I remember it well and sometimes the records go on and on for me to get all screamy and yelly and I have to blog about my terrible adventures with bullies. As I have gotten older I have been more hermit when it comes to being annoyed. hermit in the sense that I don’t approach the person about it but I vent about it to bother people. I think I am not the only person to do that but then again that doesn’t make it right. I love to be friends with everyone and I can’t stand the thought of someone not liking me for some reason or another but,really, we can’t all be friends. We can’t. Sometimes we’re too different, our values are too different, our opinions are too conflicted, and our hearts aren’t in it. We can’t force it. as much as we may want to. I am a girl of many different personalities. I can be a Sybil of sorts but really that’s just me. I am my alone Krystal, my pissy Krystal, the emo Krystal, the killer Krystal, and the many shades of me makes up who I am. Maybe I get carried away in my own thoughts and I selfishly lash out in the wrong way. you can call me a coward behind my back or even make up facebooks about me to show your true worth. Some people are just really angry and like to be in your face! But that’s not me. You may think I am a big pushover but I am not. I defend what’s mine or if it’s necessary. Like when I punched that doucher in the neck for almost killing amber at the bar when he was moshing. I don’t know where I am getting at with this except to state that I want to stop being pissy and be happy all the time. Maybe i should start letting go things that annoy me or piss me off. Maybe write it in a personal journal instead of whining about it over the internet. That way it won’t turn into a “thing” and I can get over it with out hurting other peoples feelings because half the time it isn’t that serious anyway. I am just perpetually pmsing because of my hormonal imbalance. So that may have to do with my mood swings. But MUST THINK happy thoughts. I think that’s the only way to get out of life alive. TO have hope and surround yourself with what makes you happy. Only then will I be able to achieve what I want to achieve- what I have to achieve to survive. I am fooling myself if I like how I look now and that’s what I need to change to bring about happy. Because feeling like you’re physically dying everyday because your knees hurt from the weight doesn’t make a girl very happy. The bleak possibility of a short future do to my heaviness needs to fuel my will to say no to canolis and get back to the gym- that is my thing. So I am going to be happy. One day at a time. Weird post but you get it right? I am enjoying myself when I go out .I dance, I get low, and I am becoming more fearless. But I’d like less bellage between me and my dance partner. Feel meh? Until


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s