day 20

20 – The meaning behind your blog name.
Well, I guess I can open up to why my blog name is my blog name- even though it’s totally obvious. I have been overweight all of my life. Not, overweight, let me correct that, BIG all my life. There. That’s right. When I was a kid I was always bigger than everyone else holding my head taller than everyone else. My bones noticeably bigger than other delicate flowers of my day. My hair? A frizzy curly mess my family didn’t know what do to do with. I was just so BIG. It wasn’t weird in the beginning. As a kid,,, I kind of took in stride that I was a big kid you can’t hurt me. But I am a big softie and they ended up bruising me badly with their tongues even though I could kill them with my fists. This shaped me into the food addict that I am. I turn to food more than my best friend. Food and I are chums in a sense that I can always count on a bag of pizza cravers to turn my day around. I wanted it in excess too. I wanted to never stop eating what I was eating. Why stop something that makes me feel so damn happy? It’s not like it’s a drug. It’s just making me fat, so what who cares? But now, back at 367, I feel like my time will be up so shortly if I don’t lose this weight. I am not okay buying my shit f for so much money because I need to get the extended size. I am not cool not being able to buy pretty shoes and boots because my feet are so fat. I am NOT okay with that. I am a girl that loves clothes and fashion and I am not okay with settling for crap. So I am back at weight watchers. I am back to documenting my eating habits. I think I really want to go to the doctors and get a curb your appetite kind of pill because there is seriously so thing wrong with me to want to eat 80% of the time. I probably could use a good shrink but who has time for that? I am a mess of epic proportions but that is my confession. I have plenty of me. Plus I am a fat chick. This blog is about me and I hope it inspires other large woman to be honest with themselves and lose the weight for their HEALTH. because we’re kidding ourselves thinking it’s okay to be a weight that is 100 pounds over what you’re supposed to be. I really don’t want to die at the age of thirty. I really don’t want diabetes. I really don’t want to have a stroke. I would really like to get laid and not worry about my belly. (SEE CONFESSIONS!) But look, it’s about me. It’s about my personal happiness and I have been struggling with that ever since I moved to this god for shaken state. I don’t blame the state itself- not anymore. I like Delaware and what it offers. SAY IT WITH ME NOW: TAX FREE SHOPPING, but it’s the way people act. They see me and challenge me. They literally want to tear me down. Ever sine I was 12 years old and moved here people here are threatened by me. Then it was because I was the new kid with a fro. Yes. A fro because god help having curly hair and not owning a flat iron then going to a white people(yeah I said it) white people salon to get your hair done. They chop off your hair! So what does a curly headed broads hair do? IT GROWS OUT. I had a Latina/cracker f cloud framing my chubby face and of course they tore me a new asshole at school. I was just too different. Plus I had this Philly accent and was trying to be everyone’s friend. They don’t like friendly people with fros in 6 grade. Effed up? Absolutely. So that was my nightmare and I LIVED IT. Which brings me to my middle school years (Even though in Philly middle school started in 5th grade but eh I’m in Delaware at this point) I was this over eager girl star struck by a cute boy. I’d write poetry and want to sing for guys to prove my ardor. I was a tragic mess. I never really felt wanted. Always rejected by boys due to my weight. Even though then I wasn’t even large. Okay, I was bigger than my classmates, but due to bad styling and what not I looked bigger than I was. I’d kill to be 180 again. I was a curvy girl. if I had just not let the world get to me maybe I wouldn’t have this blog today. Maybe I’d be married with kids. I Who knows. I maybe an entirely different person. Which brings me to my theory: if I wasn’t fat would I be this nice? I don’t know. I’d like to think so since my mother and father are very loving people. But I think I overly care. Is my sensitivity due to my weight or because of me? Then it goes back to all this mess of where my over eating stemmed. I have always cared too much. I have cared so much I could cry over someone looking at me funny. Gosh, the fall lot I had with this boy, who I was close friends with, In 9th grade, tell m our mutual friend “Com on, (won’t mention her name here) if you were a guy would you go out with her?” LIKE DOUBLE BURN RIGHT? I think this really helped cause my depression to start spiraling out of control. That rejection from a supposed friend, to the next three years of my pure adoration for this boy who didn’t deserve my adoration and his constant flirtations and then rejections. It was a mess and brought me to tears more often than not. I ended up in a mental hospital due to my crazy cutting and suicidal tendencies. At just 17. I have struggled with my self doubt since 12 basically. Bringing on this ball of fatdom that makes me feel like damn. If I wasn’t fat I’d be happy. I still think that. I really do. I shouldn’t dwell on my weight bringing happiness because that is the thinking of a girl with an eating disorder. In all actuality I do have an eating disorder and I should get help. I am hoping weight watchers will continue to be the help I need. Let it be my AA meetings to food. I know they have over eaters anonymous but I am really scared to go. I don’t think I’d know what to say. I guess all that I have blogged, right? Gah Such a huge explanation sorry folks. I am feeling very eh right now. I THIN it’s because of my birthday this Sunday. I just feel like change needs to happen. I am an adult for crissakes. I need to get on this. I want to be healthy and normal. Not pushing the table out so I am comfortable in a booth. Because that? Sucks more thananthing. Then you feel like people are staring at you like oh god look at that fat chick she can’t fit in the booth and has to push the table out because of her belly. Yikesabee I have been dealing with that for about two years. It’s not healthy. My insides are probably all corroded into this fat mush of yellow gelatinous mush. My organs suffocating because of the fat. I have to keep thinking about these things as I head into this weekend. I don’t want to lose my mind. Please, my fellow large ladies and fat chicks alike, don’t think that I am trying to tear you down. I swear I feel your pain in ways that has made me your equal. I am just trying to voice these things as a personal reminder . I know I will always be big. My smallest, at my smallest weight, will be a size 14/16 and I am totally okay with that. I will be a big beautiful woman then. I am three hundred and sixty seven pounds. It’s not attractive and I am not kidding myself into thinking that. I am well on my way into getting it drilled in my head to finally put the food down. Well, pick the good foods up- I should say. I want to inspire my larger ladies to make it. Don’t settle into the food because it’s so easy. I am trying to turn away from their beguiling comforts. I quote Big Pun

” It’s hard work baby
I just lost a hundred pounds, I’m tryin to live
I ain’t goin nowhere I’m stayin alive baby..

” i am trying to live.

I will lose that first 100 pounds and then, in the next year, i’ll lose the n next 100 pounds. i will. i am not stopping this time. i said it before but i feel this kind of electricity that i really don’t think i am going to go up this time. i am going to stay losing. it make take a while but i ahve nowhere to go but down. i won’t beat myself up over a five pouid increase if it happens like my last teary vlog. i am just going to correct it and stay positive. Feel free to drop on in and give me some positive love in the comments if you want. I love good JUJU! If you read this entire post I applaud you and give you many besos.


6 thoughts on “day 20

  1. I totally know how you feel, I love reading your blog, infact it’s the only blog I read. Throughout middle school to highschool I slowly gained alot of weight, at max I was 250 pounds, last year however, around this time I actually started out and set a goal to lose weight and I actually succeeded. I am about 180 now.

    But the thing is, even though I was fat, that wasnt my true problem, it was just a reflection of my true problem. My true problem was, from about 9th grade and up, I started getting horrible acne. Now you may be thinking, what? Acne? Everyone gets acne thats not so bad.

    But it was. It was terrible and infact it’s left me completely scarred. Physically and mentally. I litterally have tons of scars because of the acne I had, and no matter how much weight I lose, these scars are not going away.

    There is absolutely nothing I can do. There are treatments, but they are grotesquely expensive and have very little effect.

    You are probably wondering what my point to all of this is, and well my point is, when reading this entry, something you said really hit home, because its something I think about alot.

    What would life be like if I had been different. What if I didnt have all these scars, where would I be right now? What would I be doing? Part of me wants to say I really like the way I turned out. I am an extremely nice person, I hardly ever judge anyone, I am funny, helpful ect. ect. And I strive to be a good person. But theres another part of me that wishes I didnt waste so much time doing nothing, because I feel so self conscious about how I look to others. When people see me, do they see craters and scars, or do they see me, the person. Sometimes I cant bare the thought of leaving the house, other times I feel on top of the world, its sad rollercoaster. And while I am no longer “overweight”, I know how you are feeling, but cant help but feel almost jealous, or envy you. Not because you have it easier then me, but because I know losing weight is possible (although insanely hard dont get me wrong) but there is nothing I can do about these scars.

    There are times where I look in the mirror and I can say, hey its not bad, theres always someone who has it worse. Which there is. And that makes me feel horrible, because I am over here complaining about how scarred my face and body are, when there are people with missing limbs and in wheelchairs.

    Sorry for this post to be so long , but to sum it up, I totally know how you feel, and even though we are going through two different things, in the end we have the same anxiety and issues. I love your blog and i am glad you made it 🙂

    I hope you get your book done and it becomes a best seller, i wish you soooo much luck

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