I may look like a waste But I will never run in your race

There are many different shades to any Certified Fat Chick. There is the one in the crowd that says yes I am a big bitch. Take my fat ass and kiss it and screw any skinny bitch who gets in my way. Usually, at the bar, this will be my soul sister and we’d drunkenly sing Bad Romance with a cup in our hand. There’s the CFC that works the defensive line like its her bitch. The one who looks at any other CFC and be like WHAT THE FUCK IS SHE LOOKING AT? I have encountered such defensive behavior at the mall once. The girl was with her man and clung to him for fear a man would leave her for any other girl. This girl may also say such things in ear shot of other CFCs like, “I’m bigger than her right?” I am serious as a heart attack about that. True story happened at the mall. There’s a reason behind her defensive behavior. While being such a tragic bitch she is putting up her armor and clinging to her man just because she’s so happy she has one. The Fear has her captured so that’s why I didn’t chuck a flat iron at her. I know about the Fear. It’s a reason why if I do get a wee bit close to any guy… I find something so wrong with him. I tend to turn him into a wanna be serial killer and I write him off. I write him off HARD. I will never be the defensive CFC like that though because I have made the determination to never date a guy until I am a healthier weight. I hate the way I look so much I was looking at the pictures from last nights fiesta and I threw up in my mouth a little. I looked like a full back ready to spring.
I cut out the others not because I don’t adore them it’s just I didn’t ask permission to post their faces on my blog so it’s just me. Looking like a full back. Urgh. Gross. So I don’t think I’ll be able to full accept my biggness and love my big ass budha belly in any way shape of form and date a dude. I mean seriously I can’t get as close as I want to a dude with that thing in the way. Sorry about that diatribe I was on a roll with my listing of CFCs. There’s the one who makes light of their weight in social settings when in all actuality bringing it to light is why the CFC is hurting and being a comedienne. I know that I fall into this girl quite often. I say things like “Now you know my big ass can’t fit in that car” or “DUDE, you can’t handle all of this.” Then we laugh or someone shakes their head and its done. It’s a defense mechanism in its own way. I think I, and other girls like me, say this things because we don’t want people to think that we don’t realize we’re huge. Like the ones we believe are talking shit on us in person or in our minds to think they have one over on us- we’re aware of our large situation. It can be humorous or just sad. You may be thinking that my whole blog is falling into this category but in truth this is more of my domain. I am what I am and I have fessed up to it to a point so you can understand what I deal with on a day to day basis and to understand my demons. I have a lot of funny and mean demons. Sometimes I can be the awesome CFC. The one with such joie de vivre that I can just be. It’s hard to get there. Sometimes it involves alcohol or sometimes it’s just when I am at a show rocking out or with my favorite people. Now, don’t get on some kick that I am some crazed alchy that has to drink to have fun. This is NOT the case. I like to drink but I am not some crazed party broad. I like being drunk sometimes but I don’t NEED it all the time to feel normal. It helps in some cases and others it back fires and I can be the CFC who is a poor as me broad. They’re the WORST kind of CFCs. This Certified Fat Chick becomes the “no one wants me” CFC. Shit gets annoying and pathetic fast. It’s never attractive and it can lead to lost friendships and broken relationships. Each CFC has this girl inside her. Hell, even normal and skinny girls have this person inside them. It’s an ugly that we all want to avoid. I am trying to do better at seeing this girl way less. There are times where I can be sooo overtly honest about my weight. I can be all like “legit. I won’t find a guy thats normal that wants me this way. He’ll be flawed in some way that’s dangerous. He’ll cheat on me.” But is this a fact or is this my own insecurity eating at me? Well, I believe its the latter because I do know some BBW or ex BBWs who have a man and he loves them or loved them when they were big. So, I can’t spit on the faces of those beautiful exceptions. See how I am so programmed to believe they are exceptions? That I’ll die alone being my weight or with some second rate man who’ll leave me so quick or be a creepy sword collector or want me to sit on him. I have encountered the creepy skinny guys who like the feeling of being crushed and thats why they want a bigger girl. Gross, right?
What’s awesome right now is I have health insurance. I am going to get that lap band. I am going to start getting some weight off again on my own first with weight watchers… yet again so I can get a lower BMI so I won’t have to get the gastric. I really, really, really, don’t want the gastric. I don’t want that much of a major surgery. I am not knocking those who have at all. It’s just not what I want. I have done so much research and asked EVERYone who’s had either of those surgeries a lot of questions and I feel like this life changing procedure can save me from killing myself one pound at a time. I’ll have to give up some serious bar time- or actually save a lot of money by just having one drink and being buzzed- but it’s all good. My weight is more important. The w.w. thing? I actually have a partner to go with that’s just as big as I am. Some one who has to lose a substantial amount of weight so I think having a partner like that will help. Until next time ya’ll…


4 thoughts on “I may look like a waste But I will never run in your race

  1. I am so glad someone has the nerve to shed light on the fact that not all CFC’s are alike, but at the same time, I believe every CFC has a little of each CFC inside of her. I can go from being the bitch to the defensive in one stride. I also make jokes about my weight a lot just to hide the pain because Lord forbids someone doesn’t think I know I have a problem. I mean, isn’t it obvious by looking at me? I am just glad that the worthless CFC has left me alone for a while because she’s a real buzzkill. I also have a guy who is the exception to the rule. My husband loves me for me and is supportive in everything I do. He finds my sexy at my heaviest and is my support system to get me to my smallest. I think love goes a lot deeper than outward appearances and losing/gaining weight does not change what is on your insides, ya know?

    Anyways, good luck with the lap band. I wish I had surgery but even if I did, I think I’d rather lose my weight the old fashion way. It’s gonna take a lot more than a surgery to change my mind frame. I need to change my whole lifestyle in order to succeed. Anyways, take care hun!

    • Thanks Kate for the props. I am so happy you have your exception. It’s a gift and keep it close. I am hoping the worthless CFC stays away for all of for a long time because its just not worth being that bent out of shape. Don’t like it? Change it. Thanks for reading it means a lot!

  2. Love your post! I was the fat girl who acted like I didn’t weigh as much as I did and then I turned into the fat girl who made fun of her weight because if I started saying the things it wouldn’t hurt as much as if someone else did it.

  3. This was one of the best and most truthful things I have ever read. I have the same feelings and emotions as you do especially when it comes to the whole guy thing. I will never be able to let a guy into my life if i do not accept myself first, and obviously right now i cannot do that because i am not comfortable with myself.(this is something most thin people will never understand) Its articles like these that i hope will educate the skinny beautiful bitches into realizing that its not that easy to get out there into the dating scene and let yourself be the girlfriend instead of the funny fat best chick friend. Your writing is amazing and speaks the truth. You’re awesome girl, good luck with everything.

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