When night comes and your all on your own You can say I chose to be alone Who want to be right as rain


first let me prepare you for the millions of spelling errors. I am typing this on my phone so its difficult but i havent had access to a computer so here i am! sø i have come to rerealize a lesson i leArned back in high school. depression and alcohol doesn’t mix at all. i had gone to the funeral of my friends mother i had known for about ten years that saturday in the daytimeshe had passed in her sleep due to high blood pressure related issues. she was way too young to go. there was an open casket viewing and that was my first time seeing a dead body. it was surreal. she looked like she was sleeping with too much makeup on. the most upsetting thing was seeing my friend so upset. a person ive been close to half my life broken sobbing in my arms. devastating. i really am very affected by sorrow and moods around mw. i am super duper extra sensitive and i am diagnosed with depression even though i havent had meds in quite sometime. but now that i have insurance i have to start taking them again. i am starting to fall apart in social settings again. when i was 18~20 i did my fair share of drinking and partying. some nights id be okay. others? not so much. id sob uncontrollably about how fat and unattractive i am and how i am going to die alone. shit like that. quite the downer for my peers. i couldnt help those shitty feelings and how they bubbled out of me especially when i was drinking. saturday i prob shouldve known i wasnt in the right state if mind to be drinking. drinking to help your mood rarely does just that. at least for me itdøésnt . sure the first hour i am good and then rhe messiness crumbles out and i xant take the word comit. i turned 17/18 again that night and was in a state that pissed a lot of people off. alcohol is a depressant why would i think that id be happy and carefree that night whwn death was on my mind. that whole day i was planningout my funeral saying i want a party and everyone must wear purple to match my casket or urn. i ended up irking my friends and now i wil forever be imbeded in their minds as the drunk girl who cried about being fat ugly ånd alone and how i wasnt THAT drunk. i was trying so hard to get blissed out but ended up sleepingon steps and whatnot. id kill to redo that night. now i dont even want to go anywhere. i want to be ashut in and only go to workand see eclipse by my fucking self. i cant help but think how my friends must perceive me as and how mad they must be at my apalling behavior. i told my friend that i am going to take a break from everyone this week and i think she took it a sa personal attaxk on her but this is for me. a week of meditation to give thwm amuch needed break from me before they start to hate mw. i refuse to go anywhere with anyone this week. i am grounding myself. i hope that all of my friends can open up their hearts and minds and see its not pettiness and iam not hiding out although i am emvarassed but ithink this is a mature move on my part. if i dont know how to keep my shit in check nor hold my lq then i need t get it tgether. take a break from drinking for an extended period of timw. its not apersonal attack just need some alone time to get my head on straight.i am not trying to be a dramayic cry baby. isnt it bettrr ti be up front about my shut in status than making up excuses to not go out? ill be my happy bubbly sef soon. maybe i am having abad case of pms. am i making sense? i am not trying to lose or get rid of my friends. i am trying to save my friendship

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